Greetings From The Labyrinth

HI FRIENDS! HI FRIENDS!

HI FRIENDS! HI FRIENDS!

Wow, it's shaping up to be a very busy summer & it's not even officially summer yet.

You might notice that I did a little summer-cleaning at The Octopus Diary. It was time to remove some clutter as I prepare to embark on new adventures.

2010, '11, & '12 were a dark labyrinth, much like the caves described in Sidney Sheldon's The Other Side Of Midnight. That is an awful romance book I read once at a motel when I forgot to bring my own reading materials.  There is one scene where the guy abandons the chick he's tired of fucking in this labyrinth of pitch-black caves. That scene has always stuck in my head & as I look back on those years that I call the Masters of Fine Mystery Solving…

…I have a bird's eye view of how dark & deep & convoluted they really were. But I used these black crumbs of text to guide me through the labyrinth. Words, and bright neon pictures drawn from inside the pitch black void.

That's how I got through 10-11-12.

By '13, I wasn't completely out of the caves but I could see the exit & it was a glorious reprieve from the punishing blindness.

I am so very thankful for those years & the answers that came from them. But one thing is certain--I have gone from the pitch black caves of midnight to a madcap funhouse labyrinth strobing with acidic lights and sounds.

Yep. From one labyrinth to the next. This new labyrinth is well-lit but unforgiving. It is navigable but narrow. It is exciting in the most overwhelming way. I will need more than black text-crumbs & neon pictures to guide me through….

…but I survived the initial shock of changing mazes & am determined to make it through this one to the next one ('cause I know there'll be another. I'm onto you, Life. Only in death will we lie in green pastures and even those may be labyrinthine…)

Me & Pixel in the goth garage

*****

So, last week I wrote about "passing" at my place of volunteerism. It was a glorious moment. 

And though I knew it would only last a moment, I wasn't prepared for the doomsday feeling that would come with being scrutinized, being whispered about, then being confronted.

This all happened, and I won't go into detail, but my courage was tested. It's not just disappointing & shattering to the self-esteem--it's scary. I am starting to understand the danger of being outside my circle of supportive friends (ie, you all!)

With friends, with the media blaring about how brave Caitlyn Jenner is…it's easy to feel like the world is ready for this. But not everyone is.

When I was representing as female, I represented with sass & rebellion ('cause that's how I felt about it).

As a trans person I have to be a patient, unafraid educator. I have to not get so nervous I can't speak (that only fuels the fire). I have to not get angry. This is all challenging for someone who has just come out of a labyrinth of caves.

But I'm willing to try. It's all I can do now. Just try to be what I've always hid from, and if I get hurt mentally, physically, emotionally…that's just part of the deal.

It shouldn't be. But it is, still.

Just the other day, the Pope issued his holy litany of statements. And he had some amazing things to say about the environment & how the Earth is a gift to us & we should care for it instead of ravaging it like we do. (Duh?)

But his statements about gender & body acceptance cut me deeply, because those are things I have struggled with on this journey. People ( including Popes) who have not struggled with gender identity tend to reduce the whole thing to the physical--a casual, whimsical costume change!

They don't get the mental, emotional, spiritual struggle that goes with the costume change.

I know I was put on this Earth in a female body because I had lessons to learn about being female. But I also know that I am closing in on 50, and most people do not live to be 100 (or 90 or even 80). I've lived more than half my life learning how to be female & accept that without doing harm to myself or others or the Earth.

Though I'm not religious, It fills me with renewed doubt to hear someone as influential as the Pope say that people like me should suffer in silence rather than seek change. Seek happiness. Seek truth.

Ahhhh…like I said…I'm stuck in a new, bright, loud labyrinth & there will be blind alleys & impasses. If the Pope feels like he has been chosen to make statements about the dominion we do or do not have over our bodies…

…then I feel I have an obligation to challenge that.

Some neon cave drawings from 2011

*****

There is so much in the news lately that I want to comment on--

New mass shooting by lone gunman. This time with racial motives. I was just thinking we've gone a long time without an open fire killing spree in the news. 

And speaking of "racial" there's Rachel Dolenzal. I was also just thinking that "racial dysphoria" would become a topic of discussion and a few days later it was! I have a lot to say about Rachel's dysphoria, but not today.

Today I just wanted to say 'Hi' from the entrails of my new labyrinth! Hi!! Hi!! Hi!!!!!!

Pix!!!

p.s. I will have new art & music for you someday, I promise. I have a big art project planned for July & Aug. Now is all about writing.

Addendum to Passed, Present & Future

FRIENDS!!

I forgot to mention in yesterday's blog that I will be a guest blogger for a wonderful feminist podcast called Vagina Chronicles. 

If you are a guy or girl with feminist leanings, please check them out: vaginachroniclespodcast.com 

They are also on iTunes, where you can listen to each episode from the past 2 years.

I'm really excited and honored to be doing this because, aside from being a spy, being a blogger is what I'd most love to do with my life.

This will be different from my own personal blog where I just ramble & get silly. I will be covering serious topics about life on this planet as a biological female, particularly as a survivor of sexual abuse.

I know it may seem weird that right as I begin my gender transition, I will be doing something with such a feminist slant. But I will ALWAYS be a feminist. That is not going to change no matter what physical changes I decide to go through…

I spent enough time on this planet as a female to have a deep understanding of why we need equality & justice for women, and how traditional gender roles can be toxic to both genders.

Also, Vagina Chronicles is male friendly. There have been male guests & survivors of abuse featured on the podcast.

So….I'm pretty excited! And I do want to clarify a couple things from yesterday:

1) I am NOT delighted that workplaces have "male" chores & "female" chores. I am only delighted that I got assigned to do "male chores." I would've happily done the "female chores" if that's what they had asked me to do. I rarely pass as male, and the fact that I did that day is what I was happy about.

2) When I say "shrinky-dink, shy, hunched-up girly-girl," I am only referring to myself as a gender dysphoric person. I don't mean that all girls/women are shy, hunched-up creatures, nor do I think they should be. I am amazed (verily, jealous of) women who are happy and proud to be women. I would give anything to feel that way about being a woman. I've tried very hard to feel that way about being a woman.

But…I know I am a dude. A feminist dude : )

The 'C' Word

FRIENDS!!!

Hi I'm back already. I just had to get some thoughts out

Re: Caitlyn…and all the fuss/publicity

Firstly I'm thankful that MOST of the buzz about

Her is positive. THAT is what will make it

Just a little easier for Average Joe & Josephine 

To go through their own transitions, to

Come out to parents & friends who may be in the dark

(Ages) about such things

But…of course the negative buzz is SO grievous

And comes from such a place of ignorance & privileged intolerance

(I'm talking to you, Mike Huckabee. Do you know

What would've happened to ANYONE from

Your generation coming out as Trans?

Let's just say there would've been a lot of

Violence, bruising & bloodiness before you

Ever made it to the girls' showers…)

BUT…

I want to revisit a topic I used to rage against

When I had a blog way back

On MySpace (oh My!)

And that is the topic of infertility & the

"Artificial" means of achieving it

That had its heyday from the late '90s

Til Jan 26, 2009--when a woman called 

OCTOMOM

Gave birth to…I don't know…8..10…babies

At once and who already had several young children

To take care of

I was appalled by this 'trend'

I spoke up loudly against it and probably

Earned some enemies because my exact

Thoughts on the matter were: If you can't

Make a baby the natural way, that is God's way

Of telling you "Do Not Breed!!!"

And I referenced God because

Most of the folks who were engaging in this

"Over-breeding" trend were religious

And they would call their litters of children

'MIRACLES!'

And downplay the science that allowed those

Children to exist

And that pissed me off

I was very much of the mind that until

The foster system in this country and

Orphanages around the world were

Free & clear of unwanted children,

Then no new humans need to be

"Created"

Of course the recession hit--and

We witnessed the torment of John & Kate Gosselin

And Ms. Octomom as they tried to support

And manage and discipline and dress and feed

Their ridiculous amounts of offspring

It wasn't pretty

And people quickly came to their senses

Regarding the number of children they

Wanted to bring into the world

Advances in endocrinology made

Singular and twin births more possible than

Say, octuple births…

The overbreeding trend normalized

But around the same time as the

Breeders were booming, a young "woman"

Named Chastity Bono decided to

Become Chaz--

(w/ much less fanfare than Bruce becoming Caitlyn)--

And becoming Chaz required the same

Sorts of endocrinological magic that

Making in vitro babies required

And I became entangled in an

Ethical dilemma, because…

I had struggled with the very same issue

That made Chaz want to become

Himself:

Gender Dysphoria

I always had it

I still do

I was told I would have to live with it

Silently, selflessly, gladly, invisibly

Period

The end

And I learned to live with it

Not always silently or invisibly

And definitely not gladly, but

I tried and tried and contorted myself

Inside & out

To find reasons to be happy in the

Gender I was assigned at birth

I never felt entitled to turn to science

For help

I didn't even realize I could turn to

Science…until I saw Chaz's

Transformation--

And it was quite a transformation--

But I felt almost as opposed

To changing one's gender with

Hormones as I did to women shooting up

Hormones to become more fertile

I had convinced myself that I was

Put here on Earth in a female body

Because I had something to learn from being female

That perhaps I was some fucked up rapist

Or child molester in a previous life

And as much as I felt like I should've been

Born male

I was absolutely forbidden from

Entertaining that possibility--

I was to serve my sentence here

As Fate had prescribed--as an unhappy

And humiliated female

[Who was grateful to be healthy

But was still unhappy & humiliated]

When I saw Chaz become,

I thought, 'Oh he can do this because

He has money, notoriety, a showbiz name'

A regular dude-girl like me cannot do that

Plus…

If I didn't believe it was okay for

People to make babies in any way

Except the natural way, how could I

Condone gender reassignment?

I tousled with my angels & demons

On this issue

I started doing non-hormonal things

In my own home

Like cutting my hair & dressing up

In masculine attire

Then I saw more & more 

Transgender people appearing on 

Big Media platforms like Oprah!

And Dr. Phil.

I started to reconsider my beliefs

About many things

About what was possible in this world…

Look how LONG I have

Rambled on & on again…!!!

The point I am making (mostly for

My own eyes to see)

Is how far I have had to come 

To accept something once so controversial

I have Gender Dysphoria & it

Took me a goddamn long time to wrap

My head around the fact that it was

OkAY

To seek relief from feeling

That horrific discomfort!

So of course it has taken the

General (non-dysphoric) Public

A little longer to wrap its big old

Planet-head around the whole concept

But it hasn't taken AS LONG

As I thought it might

Maybe the world is more accepting

Than I imagined

But maybe it's really because of people like

Chaz, and Jaz, and Isis*, and Kristin

And Ryland and Caitlyn and Janet and

Laverne and Aidan….etc…etc…etc…

Who are a lot braver than I could ever be

And just SHOWED the world how

OKAY 

It really is…

SO…if you've read this far & are all fired up &

Inspired by people being whoever they want

To be,

I just want to keep it real by reminding you all

That there was a big oil spill off the coast of California

This week

And

ISIS** is taking root on American soil as we speak

Good Day

*Isis, not ISIS

**ISIS, not Isis

Also, you can always go here for more of my (concise) thoughts on gender:

https://www.tumblr.com/blog/vindicationdonkeystar

Vogonball Championships

Hello Friends,

I hope you are well. I am feeling pretty good these days,

But realize my nervous system is like the solar system--vast & unattainable

In its far-reaching dimensions & I'm only renting space in it until it

Kicks me out.

And since last summer, it keeps trying to kick me out

Every few weeks/months/days.

************

This blog is a funny thing…it is my way of talking

Without having to call anyone on a phone and force them

To listen to my voice, or worse getting in their personal space & rambling on & on & on

All the stuff I ramble on quietly about in print. Lately,

I mostly write on & on about the choice I've made to transition from the one true gender

To the other true gender (because there are only 2 true genders in this world)

But I'm going to do something different now--

Instead of writing here about transitioning & all its convolutions 

I'm going to do that on my fabulous Tumblr page,

(Which I created to connect to more transitioning people, but which

Is mostly a younger crowd.) I will write my short, random confession-style

Thoughts about transitioning here: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/vindicationdonkeystar

Also---whenever I put the word 'Vogon' in the title of a blog, it gets tons of hits

From Russia

(and when there is a big airplane crash -- which there hasn't been in awhile -- my

Short story 'Distressica Finds The Source Of Happiness'  gets lots of hits)

Just some patterns I've noticed…patterns…patterns…blogosphere pitter-patter

Stream-of-conscious non-threatening pansexual jibber-jabber.

Speaking of which!!! Here are some Vogon poems from early this year. Enjoy.

**********************

PHANTOMS FLYING OFF THE SHELF

Despite a hundred percent

Price hike

Back-ordered til Independence

Day – all single-malt drinking

Single dads and beer-swilling

Basement dwellers observe

The layaway lent

Til availability extends its hand

Til wrought iron fortresses flap

Like veils of Maya

Then leak like sieves and thread-

Bare doormats

Not committed to geospatial

Relations

Not all snipers make

Good nannies

What can we, the

Undisciplined

Aerialists modify to make

The phantom obey?

To convince the lark to spy

Or swallow anthrax?

To deliver boy band contraband

To Sasha & Malia

(by the way, can they come

out and play?)

The sprinklers, honestly

The worthiest defense

Spray them like mosquitos

From the sky,

Droning to their deaths as

Well-compensated sentinels

Decide there’s some playfulness

In the grave

Your phantom,

When it arrives,

When you fondle its

Dynamic and delicate parts—

and take them gently apart—

Will resonate only in the

Pathways of bats

Over drinks w/ a trusted

Yet disadvantaged neighbor who

Can’t wait to share in your

Reputable mission

You release

Your outgoing phantom & promise

It will find its intended 

Target by 3 a.m.

While you guide it from

Your inner wasteland

1-30-15

****************

Ancient unfinished art c. 1990 Just 'cuz

EVERYONE KNOWS

Everyone knows laughter is for

Fools who dropped out of

Society and can't find the ropes

To drop back in…

Everyone knows

A woman who is 8 heads tall

And wears a size zero shoe

Everyone knows 

A man w/ a beard who has won

A modern day sword fight

Everyone knows how to write code

Everyone knows how to make a tunafish sandwich

Everyone knows the difference

Between "sex" and "gender"

Everyone still calls me 'Miss! Miss!

Ma'am!'

Everyone wishes they could

Board a spaceship & feel the

Consolation

Of leaving this planet behind

Everyone loves being green

Everyone can blithely say

'I would wear a sexy dress if my boss

Wouldn't see a picture of it

On Facebook'

Everyone loves Halloween

But dreads Secretary's Day

Everyone's ear is tuned to a

Different frequency

But none are equipped with

Volume knobs

Everyone's eye sees what it

Wants to see & ignores

What it doesn't

Everyone's mouth is made

Of the same meat it eats

Everyone including me

4-12-15

*******************

UNDER CONSTRUCTION

I planned to contribute to the million-line poem

But decided to write a poem of my own

I don't already have enough of them

Like children & courage, poems are scarce

Around here…

I need to make an effort

To put this line here & carefully

Place this one right below it

Focusing on what I want to say

Like cameras & corneas collaborating on

One point of view

My poem looks like

A rezoned neighborhood

And now my doorbell rings

Witnesses or joint casers

For I know it's not a friend 

Indeed

I can't make people stay

Yet I can't make them go away

I'm not pregnant

And never will be…I've had a vasectomy

My binder glows in the black light

This is all making sense now

The moon cries

Through every social media guru

Preaching 'Crying is for the infirm,

The ungrateful, the weak,

The unevolved!!'

I've seen the stars & your transformation

You are spellbinding

I am still under construction

It will take the rest of my life

Just to change my name

5-2-15

**************

There you are, Friends. If you are still reading, I hope you are having a good evolutionary time period. And I'll see you next time--it's been a while since I made a horrible music video for you. And I've written a few new songs, so…perhaps next time, something from the Garage!

Stream Of Mad Manliness

Friends & Allies,

I hope all is fine in your worlds, as I am battling a feeling of unease

With all the soft, nerfy tendrils of my heart

I feel an earthquake inside me

Again….every few months

Like a natural disaster I rumble

My tectonic chakras slamming into place &

Opening inner eyeball doors

Life is as safe as it is unsafe

And as fair as it is unfair

And as balanced as Fox News,

No just kidding…even Fox News is balancing something 

We may not be hearing over here

Over here over here in the U.S.A.

I try to keep my sense of humor,

But sometimes I give it away--

I donate it to the humorless void

I can't quite locate inside my frame

Is it in my skull?

My ribcage?

Sometimes it's a tremor located

In my legs and they collapse

Like third world infrastructure in 

A 7.3 quake

I have had 3 wonderful months in a row

Spring is my favorite season after Autumn

But here comes Summer, that bitch…

I fear her. Or him. I don't mean to

Gender the seasons…  SPEAKING

of GENDER:

I almost made it out to the 

Harvey Milk Festival--I planned on going

I wanted to go & show my support &

See the music & hear the murmur of progress

But I realized:

I am absolutely SATURATED with the LG(BT)Q dilemma

Right now, and I need to step back from it

I need to remember who I am besides someone

Who is changing slowly into

Who he really is…

Yes I said it: He. HE.

PEARL

So far I have shared mostly the shallow aspects 

Of transitioning--the clothes

The outward appearance, the attempts to

Avoid being called "Miss" or "Ma'am"

But now I am thinking of myself in male pronouns

I think "He" instead of "She"

And that is much harder than

Choosing what neutral, masculine outfit to wear

Because all my neurons scream

"No No NO NO NO  NO!!!!!!"

You are not allowed to be in that club!

You are not anatomically correct!

"You are too short to be a man. You've GOT to 

Accept that you're a female!!" (Mom's voice after my suicide attempt

always echoing in my head)

The laughter…the questions…the jokes…the

Unwanted gropes

There is a lot of POLITICS surrounding GENDER TRANSITION

We have polarizing figures like Bruce Jenner & Kristin Beck

So public, both hated & revered for doing what they're doing

There are TERMINOLOGY issues--

Apparently it's not okay to talk about "passing"

It triggers things in people who have made it

Through their transition already

But I am okay with the word "passing"

That's all I can do right now

There is issue with the phrase "born in the wrong body"

But that is EXACTLY how I describe my situation

I guess the preferred phrase is

"Assigned female at birth (AFAB)"

That seems a) like a mouthful b) euphemistic

c) it doesn't have the gravitas that accompanies the kind

of gender dysphoria I've experienced all my life

And there is friction between those who are public about

Their transition (Jenner/Beck)

And those who wish to remain "stealth" (just live as their

chosen gender w/out letting anyone know there was a "journey"

from one to the other)

And I can respect both of those decisions

I can understand why some people would go "stealth"

Even though I don't feel I could do that

I need this to be a "journey" I can share with

The world, no matter what 

And hey, I just have to ask--

Why has the "trans community" forgotten about

CHAZ??

He is a public figure; he shared his transition

On a mini reality called 'Becoming Chaz'; he was on

Dancing With The Stars, for chrissakes!!

I never hear his name lumped in with

The famous (mostly female) trans population.

Anyway…enough about all that

I am moving along slowly, slothfully, snailishly

Forgiving myself for all the years

Of anger and hate and frustration

And restlessness and fakery,

And any hurt that has caused the people around me

I'm trying to accept myself for who I am

Someone who WAS born in the wrong body

And who has come out in a time when it seems safe to do so…

Attempting to be who I really should've been

From age 2.

That is the truth, and sometimes it robs me of my happiness, humor & sanity

And sometimes it is the very

Source of those things

Aaahhhhh, LIFE. You mysteriously little angel w/

Devilish afterbite. I'm still with you.

And if you're still with me, here is an art project that didn't go so well

I wanted to draw "something shiny" in pencil. 

I chose scissors, but did not do a good job with the shininess…

Frustration ensued.

“I am so angry with myself because I cannot do what I should like to do,” he wrote in a letter as he tussled with mental illness —

FUCK

Social Experiment & Feline Poetry

HI FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry to SHOUT but I'm excited to be here,

Blogging away pretentiously about my sloth-like transition.

The Moonchild & I went on a little excursion to the East coast last week

And since it was a new place/alien space

I decided to really see how andro I could be

Sometimes it's hard for me in my home town because everyone knows I'm

"really a lady" 

It's hard to suddenly embody a more masculine persona

Shit, I've tried all my life NOT to be too masculine

And I have perfected so much WASPy feminine daintiness, it's

Downright embarassing… & even when I'm hunched up in layers of T-shirts and flannel 

I get called "Miss! Miss!…Ma'am!!"

So…on this East coast adventure I wanted to see if I could avoid being called

'Miss' or 'Ma'am' … basically I just wanted to see

If I could 'pass' even without being on T(extoxterone).

I dressed accordingly (as a grown up dude on a casual business trip)

I wore my binder

I repressed all my encoded feminine attributes (the giggling, squeeing, hand-gesturing)

I tried to keep my posture as tall and confident as I could

I refrained from using public restrooms

And I spoke in my lower registers when I had to talk to strangers….AND

I did not get called 'Miss' or 'Ma'am' once!!!!

We mostly got called 'You guys'

I was surprised at how happy that made me--all my life being misgendered or being told

I'd be a lot prettier if I smiled, or wore nicer clothes, or acted more lady-like

'Miss!!!! Misss!!!! Ma'am!!!!' Every time i heard those words I wanted to strangle someone,

But instead I just kept silent & then got drunk.

It was so nice to be called 'You guys' everywhere we went

I wanted to squee & giggle & do little dances with my hands

(And when I'm more secure in my masculinity, I will squee & giggle as much as I want

For now, I'm adjusting my settings that have been so badly tweaked for so many years…

SOooooo….many….yearrrrrrrssss……

Overcompensating a little to find that androgynous middle ground I want to stake out

And inhabit like a hobbit)

I was thrilled, ELATED, at how well my social experiment went. 

I read a lot of blogs about transitioning (both ways) and I know a lot of trans guys still

Get called "she" and "Miss" even after they've started T.

And I know a lot of trans girls still get called "dude in a dress"

And I know how that chips away at one's soul and drives one to drink or do other stuff

(Like stay at home all the time)

I'm feeling much better about dropping back into society these days,

But I know things will not always go well…I'm ready for that…I've made it this far…

********NOW…here is a video of me & my cat reading some poetry together. And when I'm on camera I revert right back to being so FEMME, I want to punch myself in the face! Enjoy…

https://youtu.be/2LLFZVdL1Q4

My Girl, Pearl

Friendliest-of-People,

How are you? I am fine.

Well, I started this blog intending to update you on how it feels to be starting the social transition process, but…

…it is hard to write about transitioning w/out going into things like gender dysphoria, childhood memories, mental gymnastics, suicide attempts, dropping out of society and dropping back in…

…now that I'm "on the path" I don't really want to go into all that stuff again. I've told you all my stories about suicide and gender dysphoria and mental gymnastics. You can go searching for them in this fabulously encyclopedic blog if you care to!

My memories are not to be feared or forgotten, but they are no longer to be combed through for their hidden nuggets. Been there, done that, found the nuggets!!

I just wanted to tell you that today marks my one-year anniversary of being Vin. He came to me last year, a brand new alter, and unlike some of my male alters of the past, I knew he was ME in male form.

And he is happy to be me, and I am happy to be him! That hasn't been the case w/ some of the other male alters & it got pretty ugly at times. 

Also I wanted to say that even though I am not the kind of guy who would limit his wardrobe choices to "only acceptable manly attire", I am choosing to relinquish my entire feminine wardrobe to my mannequin (and good friend) PEARL.

We got Pearl in Dec '12 at Sarasota Architectural Salvage. She used to work at Maas Bros.

Fashion--the versatility of the female wardrobe--was one of the only fun things about being a girl.  I have heard & read that a lot of transguys miss their more ample fashion choices after they transition. I thought I was the only one who would feel that way.

She is "well-armed" with great personality and acting skills

Luckily I have Pearl to act as my fashion ambassador. If I ever miss femme stuff while I'm trying to hone my masculine presentation, I can call on Pearl to model for me. She never says no. You can see she has inspired many photo shoots.

She inspires me in many ways

One thing I will not relinquish is my collection of colorful corduroys (I have every color including chartreuse, peacock and raspberry: ))

I will always wear my cords. They make me think of the 60s and 70s, and somehow I think of those as "better times" than the 2010s. (Even though they weren't : ))

She is a great dance instructor

So…no cords for Pearl…but she's such a girly-girl she'll be thrilled to wear dresses and lingerie every day!

She was our Winter Solstice Mascot one year

We're practically twins. That dashiki she's wearing was purchased in L.A. by Moonchild's mum right around the time of the Manson murders. Also, those are black cats on the red dress above--in case you can't tell.