Greetings From The Labyrinth

HI FRIENDS! HI FRIENDS!

HI FRIENDS! HI FRIENDS!

Wow, it's shaping up to be a very busy summer & it's not even officially summer yet.

You might notice that I did a little summer-cleaning at The Octopus Diary. It was time to remove some clutter as I prepare to embark on new adventures.

2010, '11, & '12 were a dark labyrinth, much like the caves described in Sidney Sheldon's The Other Side Of Midnight. That is an awful romance book I read once at a motel when I forgot to bring my own reading materials.  There is one scene where the guy abandons the chick he's tired of fucking in this labyrinth of pitch-black caves. That scene has always stuck in my head & as I look back on those years that I call the Masters of Fine Mystery Solving…

…I have a bird's eye view of how dark & deep & convoluted they really were. But I used these black crumbs of text to guide me through the labyrinth. Words, and bright neon pictures drawn from inside the pitch black void.

That's how I got through 10-11-12.

By '13, I wasn't completely out of the caves but I could see the exit & it was a glorious reprieve from the punishing blindness.

I am so very thankful for those years & the answers that came from them. But one thing is certain--I have gone from the pitch black caves of midnight to a madcap funhouse labyrinth strobing with acidic lights and sounds.

Yep. From one labyrinth to the next. This new labyrinth is well-lit but unforgiving. It is navigable but narrow. It is exciting in the most overwhelming way. I will need more than black text-crumbs & neon pictures to guide me through….

…but I survived the initial shock of changing mazes & am determined to make it through this one to the next one ('cause I know there'll be another. I'm onto you, Life. Only in death will we lie in green pastures and even those may be labyrinthine…)

Me & Pixel in the goth garage

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So, last week I wrote about "passing" at my place of volunteerism. It was a glorious moment. 

And though I knew it would only last a moment, I wasn't prepared for the doomsday feeling that would come with being scrutinized, being whispered about, then being confronted.

This all happened, and I won't go into detail, but my courage was tested. It's not just disappointing & shattering to the self-esteem--it's scary. I am starting to understand the danger of being outside my circle of supportive friends (ie, you all!)

With friends, with the media blaring about how brave Caitlyn Jenner is…it's easy to feel like the world is ready for this. But not everyone is.

When I was representing as female, I represented with sass & rebellion ('cause that's how I felt about it).

As a trans person I have to be a patient, unafraid educator. I have to not get so nervous I can't speak (that only fuels the fire). I have to not get angry. This is all challenging for someone who has just come out of a labyrinth of caves.

But I'm willing to try. It's all I can do now. Just try to be what I've always hid from, and if I get hurt mentally, physically, emotionally…that's just part of the deal.

It shouldn't be. But it is, still.

Just the other day, the Pope issued his holy litany of statements. And he had some amazing things to say about the environment & how the Earth is a gift to us & we should care for it instead of ravaging it like we do. (Duh?)

But his statements about gender & body acceptance cut me deeply, because those are things I have struggled with on this journey. People ( including Popes) who have not struggled with gender identity tend to reduce the whole thing to the physical--a casual, whimsical costume change!

They don't get the mental, emotional, spiritual struggle that goes with the costume change.

I know I was put on this Earth in a female body because I had lessons to learn about being female. But I also know that I am closing in on 50, and most people do not live to be 100 (or 90 or even 80). I've lived more than half my life learning how to be female & accept that without doing harm to myself or others or the Earth.

Though I'm not religious, It fills me with renewed doubt to hear someone as influential as the Pope say that people like me should suffer in silence rather than seek change. Seek happiness. Seek truth.

Ahhhh…like I said…I'm stuck in a new, bright, loud labyrinth & there will be blind alleys & impasses. If the Pope feels like he has been chosen to make statements about the dominion we do or do not have over our bodies…

…then I feel I have an obligation to challenge that.

Some neon cave drawings from 2011

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There is so much in the news lately that I want to comment on--

New mass shooting by lone gunman. This time with racial motives. I was just thinking we've gone a long time without an open fire killing spree in the news. 

And speaking of "racial" there's Rachel Dolenzal. I was also just thinking that "racial dysphoria" would become a topic of discussion and a few days later it was! I have a lot to say about Rachel's dysphoria, but not today.

Today I just wanted to say 'Hi' from the entrails of my new labyrinth! Hi!! Hi!! Hi!!!!!!

Pix!!!

p.s. I will have new art & music for you someday, I promise. I have a big art project planned for July & Aug. Now is all about writing.