Slow Leak Of Consciousness

FRIENDS:

How are you? I am good…busy…but not using busy as an excuse not to check in with you & let you know

I'm still alive

And narcissistic.

Life is zooming by like a tortoise on a bullet train. The days drag, the years accelerate

And accumulate and leave me feeling irrelevant,

Though somehow, by some magical technicality, also feeling like the most

Relevant person alive at 8:13 a.m. on July 22, 2015

How does this work???? Seriously…it must happen in the temporal lobe.

New version of the 8 alter egos

******

BREAKING OCTOPUS DIARY NEWS

Armadillos carry leprosy, I repeat, ARMADILLOS

Carry LEPROSY [??????]

That news does indeed break me.

Into little centipede chunks. Segments, I guess you'd call them.

"They" say, 'Never trust a person who doesn't like a dog.'

"I" say, 'Never trust a person whom your cat does not like.'

"I" am "they" and we are both right.

Now go out & get yourself a parrot. Or a drone. They don't need anyone's trust or approval.

Experimental nursery school art

************

BREAKING CENTIPEDE NEWS SEGMENT

How much hate can live in Donald Trump's head nest?

Since he stores all his eggs in towers across the country, 

I'm guessing LOTS OF HATE.

Last summer was a scary fire to walk through…Last year planes were falling from the sky…

This is the year of the shark-bite, the Republican-clusterfuck, the If-I-die-in-police-custody

Hashtag-hashbrown-skintag-price-to-pay-for-being-black-and-having-American-hyphenate-blood-and

Freedom-type-boundaries & limitations-far-from-the-sky-on-roads-less-traveled-now-that-they-are

So-treacherous

This is the year your car could be hacked instead of hijacked

This is beyond the future--it is a dystopian backlash caused by too many people existing @ once

Dot commune. Dot botched fantasy. Dot shoot!

[No filter]

Vivian Boy w/ Balanced Chakras. My phone works better than our scanner, dammit

*************

This summer I am in waiting mode. This is okay---waiting is better than breaking down.

Last summer was terrifying…but I forgot to mention how scary winter was too --- the 14/15 border

Patrolled by earthquake forces.

But now I wait.

I am the patient.

I is good at patiency. Most of times.

As long as times don't end & the clock keeps horsing around like a heartbeat…

I will race toward the borders of my new voice…I will look for new floors

To dance on…Search for a new garage to be goth in…Find new rooms to fill with

Presence…and never cut the ribbon of the past so drastically wrestled to the mat,

But not denied or forgotten…

The tears of salt water/jet fuel cleared a path for take-off!

Oh, and I have some art for you…..

The 8 again--our scanner scans cool & cooler tones only

[taking inspiration from a friend, I'm doing a drawing-a-day for July/Aug. The sad thing is--I don't feel very arty right now. I am so immersed in writing that the art part of my brain is numbed significantly. I guess it's best to keep it on life support by forcing creativity daily….the results aren't always pretty, but it's the effort that counts right now : )) 

And I've decided in my next blog I will share some art by my friends…'mmmmmkay]

See you soon, friends, in the Octopus's Garden Variety Centipeep Talent Show!

WHY I DON'T WANT A WOMAN PRESIDENT

BECAUSE WE'RE NOT READY FOR ONE.

Friendly-Americans,

Remember how ready most of us were for a half-black President? We were really stoked about it & not only because he promised hope & change, he WAS hope & change! He was young & eloquent & historical & confident & the fact that he was half-white didn't seem to make him any less black to us. In 2008, we were ready for him!!!!

I'm not sure why, or how, or exactly when it happened but we have entered an era of severe backlash. The racial divide is a deadly chasm filled with bodies and spent shell casings. I can't help but think this backlash is somehow tied to having a blackish President who stands as the figurehead of all American power.

There are more people than I realized in America who are not comfortable with this. I've seen it more with each passing year of Obama's office. I'm pretty depressed about how our Congress and our citizens have responded to having a blackish President, but I can't say I didn't see it on the horizon even in '08.

So racial tension is taut as a slingshot aimed at a beehive.

And there is also, in the last year, an increased rancor between genders. Even as gay and transgender rights have their day in the courts & minds of America, the perceptions & definitions of male & female have been reduced to their crass anatomical parts. 

Even as rainbow flags fly and transwomen grace magazine covers, I've seen so many old gender stereotypes reborn & promoted & celebrated in all realms of media. [And of course this means pro-male/anti-female.]

That's right. The Man is back. White is in. Girl Power is out. People-of-color are fucked (at least for now) Dicks are symbols of supremacy; vag's are once again objects of scorn.

I knew we would be back here one day, but I didn't expect it to be so ugly. There are more people in the world than ever before. And we are connected by the festering filaments of social media like a big syphilitic worm. (yum) So things happen faster…trends, ideas, jokes, memes bubble to the surface and lead the collective conversation, and the collective conversation becomes The Word and then it metastasizes quickly into the Next Big Thing. And on & on….

In my riotous drunk youth, I feel I did my part to create a progressive path for humanity in general ( and females in particular, because as a biological female, I was told lots of horrible things about myself and asked to behave in really self-debasing ways that were called "normal" in our society). 

I fought as a child against valuing prettiness over intelligence. I fought as a teenager against hundreds & thousands of "girls don't do this" or "girls aren't good artists" or "girls can't rock" or "you will probably fail this Chemistry class." It blew my mind that seemingly well-meaning people (teachers, parents, boyfriends) would discourage me from even trying to reach my full potential. So I fought.

In my 20s, when I realized that all the misogyny in the world was based in anatomical fear, I fought against that too. Against being an inorganic, disingenuous object who didn't burp, fart, speak, or masturbate. In the '90s, before vaginas were mentionable and every party I vaguely attended devolved into a chorus of dick jokes & pissing contests, I was the girl who would respond with anecdotes about my lady parts and I had no qualms about pissing anywhere (with or without foliage nearby).

[Oh, those were fun days & drunken nights…Guys who were accustomed to silencing ladies with their dick jokes looking at each other & asking 'Did she just say 'vagina'??? Sometimes it made them angry and more dickish, but a lot of times it made them shut up and move along. 

And honestly, I don't mind a good dick joke if it's just that. But most dick jokes aren't about penises--they are about keeping women subordinate. Period.]

Period. I mentioned that a lot too. There was too much silencing & shame & taboo around it. A lot of people were not happy about me bringing menstruation out of the closet. Too bad. It needed to be a much less shameful subject. And there came a point when it wasn't such a big deal. [Now it is again. And we need to Get. The Fuck. Over it. Period.]

Anyway…around the time I was fighting my good fight against anatomical misogyny there emerged a slew of female comics who were doing the same. They were much more adept than I at bringing female anatomy out of the repressive cave and letting the world know that being a vagina-ed human was not erroneous, shameful or restrictive. It was just an alternative to being male. And that was just fucking great. [Y2K would've been a great time for a female President!]

Somewhere between Riot Grrl & the Vagina Monologues I felt that we had all come to terms with there being separate but equal genders which could complement each other or exist independently. End of issue. 

Or was it?  I am beyond thrilled that gender has moved away from the binary in our collective conversation, but I noticed that the feminist movement that made it all possible has disappeared.

While there is a spectrum of genders visible all around us, FEMALE has devolved again to mean something inorganic, objectifiable and looks-based. Girl Power has been replaced by Overbearing Materialistic Diva.

That is not something I would ever want to align myself with. But it is the new Femme.

Just as I am disgusted by the racial divide magnified by having a blackish man in power, I am jaggedly, adamantly against women who take their hard-won power to mean entitlement to be a Diva. That is not what I was fighting for. 

The Riot Grrl in me is old & tired. I am ready to embark on the latter part of my life and it will be quite a journey. I really want it to be a lot more about BEING than FIGHTING. But I want to know that someone somewhere has picked up where I left off, because we aren't done yet.

I think more people are perceiving themselves as genderqueer or trans or agender because the binary scales are still swaying. Women gained much foothold in the world between 1990 -- 2010, but many proved they would abuse their power in insidious ways. Different ways than men abuse power, but still dangerous & contemptible ways. We need that balance to quit its vertiginous lurch.

So, that is why I don't want a woman President right now. It would be a disaster. Even if---especially if---there were any good, sincere, capable female candidates to choose from, I think they'd all be quite ineffectual at this moment in time. 

We are not ready. PERIOD.

So…what I really want to say is 'Go Trump!' You are just the Donkeynine Sub-chimpanzeerific candidate America is hard for right now!

**********

I've started on a 60-day art project, but it's unraveling slowly. When something shareworthy arises, well…I'll share it!

In the meantime, enjoy all this vintage art I scrounged up for you ^^^^

GOTH GARAGE: EEYORE INTERVIEW

Here is a video from the Goth Garage. Please pardon the sound quality (it sounded great live, but recording sucks!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EX512KJeBy8&feature=em-upload_owner

RACHEL'S DYSPHORIA

Friends,

I've been wanting to address this issue for a few weeks now, but I've been a busy mess lately.  

A couple weeks ago the world was introduced to a lady named Rachel Dolezal who we all know now was born white though she worked her way up to being President of the NAACP by not only being an activist & advocate, but by lying about being white. She basically "passed" as black by adopting a black-ish appearance and telling a black backstory.

In the weeks following this story there were many fascinating analyses made about what harm was done by this woman. I mean, she was doing good work, right? And what's the difference between one changing one's gender and changing one's race? Can't someone be "transracial" if another can be transgender?

After listening to all the news stories and reading dozens of articles (both pro and con the "transracial argument") I was surprised that no one ever arrived at this point:

"Transracial" does not mean the same as transgender. Transracial refers to adoptive families of blended race. So the word just doesn't fit.

Also race isn't as hormonal or fundamental as gender. There is not hormone therapy for making skin lighter or darker. Or for achieving any of the characteristics of a race not your own.

But I don't think the fact that there are no known medical procedures for "race-transplants" just yet means that a person can't feel as "alien" in their biological race as they can in their biological gender. For as many times as I saw the word "transracial" bandied & buried, I never once saw anyone get to the real issue--RACIAL DYSPHORIA.

While "transracial" is not a THING, I do believe racial dysphoria IS.

I have known quite a few white people who love and admire & even appropriate many elements of black culture. They love "black" music, food, speech or all around community.

But their appreciation does not equate with a wretched desire to scrape off their whiteness and actually BECOME black. 

HOWEVER….I have known a tiny percentage of white people who WOULD do anything (surgical, genetic, hormonal) to become black if that were an option. I think Rachel Dolezal would fit this profile.

And vice versa, I have known black people who love and admire white culture a whole lot but wouldn't "have the surgery" if it were available. And yet there are a few who would. I think Michael Jackson does fit this profile (despite what some African-American journalists said about MJ always claiming to be a proud black man. Actions speak louder than words!) I believe Michael had an extreme case of racial dysphoria that caused him to take the drastic measures that made him look like a freak to us.

I would say that racial dysphoria is not as pervasive as gender dysphoria. And it doesn't only pertain to black and white. When I was little I not only knew I was a boy in a girl's body, but I also felt like I should be Chinese. My bout of racial dysphoria did not persist past age 8, while the gender dysphoria never left.

And let's just say there WERE options for getting a "race change"--how many people would choose to do this? I'll bet more would do it than we think right now. And I'd say a race change would have to be done on a genetic level rather than a hormonal level, but I see it being a possibility in the future.

SO…back to Rachel. What harm or good has she done by "pretending" to be black? 

First of all I don't think it's right to simply say she was pretending. I think there were much deeper issues in play. She was the only white child in a transracial family. Enough said.

Secondly, I don't think this is a matter of race--it's a matter of truth or fiction. She lied. She lied big! I have known some people who are pathological liars. They move through this world in a very unique way & seem to have a low-frequency magnetic power to them. They are emotionally detached enough from everything & everyone that lying is a do-able thing for them.

I have tried my luck at lying a few times in my life and know it is not the thing for me. In fact, I've become almost the opposite of a liar: a truth teller to a fault!

Rachel was not only able to make up these grandiose tales, but to believe them. To move about the world in such a way that her lies transformed into truths right before her eyes. I've witnessed that when lying works for someone, it becomes an addiction. I think Rachel was HOOKED. A junkie.

And that's the real harm I find in this story. She did a lot of good stuff, but she did it under a bad umbrella. A shady pretense. Do I think she was lying to intentionally hurt others or even to gain power? No. I think she was lying because something about her own (white Montana privilege) truth made her feel worthless, hopeless, depressed, etc…

I believe no matter what you do, even if you are a politician, you should do it honestly. If you feel so badly about your own true story that you're compelled to make shit up…then you better work on fixing that before you try to help others.

Well, that is my 2 sense about Rachel, racial dysphoria, and the future of genetics in regard to "race changes."

I swear on Gideon's and King James' bibles as well as the Old Testament, the Torah & the Quran that I will have art & music to share with you this summer. 

I'm keeping busy, but still very much prone to those disconcerting nerve-quakes. AAAaaaaaaaaaGggggggHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Greetings From The Labyrinth

HI FRIENDS! HI FRIENDS!

HI FRIENDS! HI FRIENDS!

Wow, it's shaping up to be a very busy summer & it's not even officially summer yet.

You might notice that I did a little summer-cleaning at The Octopus Diary. It was time to remove some clutter as I prepare to embark on new adventures.

2010, '11, & '12 were a dark labyrinth, much like the caves described in Sidney Sheldon's The Other Side Of Midnight. That is an awful romance book I read once at a motel when I forgot to bring my own reading materials.  There is one scene where the guy abandons the chick he's tired of fucking in this labyrinth of pitch-black caves. That scene has always stuck in my head & as I look back on those years that I call the Masters of Fine Mystery Solving…

…I have a bird's eye view of how dark & deep & convoluted they really were. But I used these black crumbs of text to guide me through the labyrinth. Words, and bright neon pictures drawn from inside the pitch black void.

That's how I got through 10-11-12.

By '13, I wasn't completely out of the caves but I could see the exit & it was a glorious reprieve from the punishing blindness.

I am so very thankful for those years & the answers that came from them. But one thing is certain--I have gone from the pitch black caves of midnight to a madcap funhouse labyrinth strobing with acidic lights and sounds.

Yep. From one labyrinth to the next. This new labyrinth is well-lit but unforgiving. It is navigable but narrow. It is exciting in the most overwhelming way. I will need more than black text-crumbs & neon pictures to guide me through….

…but I survived the initial shock of changing mazes & am determined to make it through this one to the next one ('cause I know there'll be another. I'm onto you, Life. Only in death will we lie in green pastures and even those may be labyrinthine…)

Me & Pixel in the goth garage

*****

So, last week I wrote about "passing" at my place of volunteerism. It was a glorious moment. 

And though I knew it would only last a moment, I wasn't prepared for the doomsday feeling that would come with being scrutinized, being whispered about, then being confronted.

This all happened, and I won't go into detail, but my courage was tested. It's not just disappointing & shattering to the self-esteem--it's scary. I am starting to understand the danger of being outside my circle of supportive friends (ie, you all!)

With friends, with the media blaring about how brave Caitlyn Jenner is…it's easy to feel like the world is ready for this. But not everyone is.

When I was representing as female, I represented with sass & rebellion ('cause that's how I felt about it).

As a trans person I have to be a patient, unafraid educator. I have to not get so nervous I can't speak (that only fuels the fire). I have to not get angry. This is all challenging for someone who has just come out of a labyrinth of caves.

But I'm willing to try. It's all I can do now. Just try to be what I've always hid from, and if I get hurt mentally, physically, emotionally…that's just part of the deal.

It shouldn't be. But it is, still.

Just the other day, the Pope issued his holy litany of statements. And he had some amazing things to say about the environment & how the Earth is a gift to us & we should care for it instead of ravaging it like we do. (Duh?)

But his statements about gender & body acceptance cut me deeply, because those are things I have struggled with on this journey. People ( including Popes) who have not struggled with gender identity tend to reduce the whole thing to the physical--a casual, whimsical costume change!

They don't get the mental, emotional, spiritual struggle that goes with the costume change.

I know I was put on this Earth in a female body because I had lessons to learn about being female. But I also know that I am closing in on 50, and most people do not live to be 100 (or 90 or even 80). I've lived more than half my life learning how to be female & accept that without doing harm to myself or others or the Earth.

Though I'm not religious, It fills me with renewed doubt to hear someone as influential as the Pope say that people like me should suffer in silence rather than seek change. Seek happiness. Seek truth.

Ahhhh…like I said…I'm stuck in a new, bright, loud labyrinth & there will be blind alleys & impasses. If the Pope feels like he has been chosen to make statements about the dominion we do or do not have over our bodies…

…then I feel I have an obligation to challenge that.

Some neon cave drawings from 2011

*****

There is so much in the news lately that I want to comment on--

New mass shooting by lone gunman. This time with racial motives. I was just thinking we've gone a long time without an open fire killing spree in the news. 

And speaking of "racial" there's Rachel Dolenzal. I was also just thinking that "racial dysphoria" would become a topic of discussion and a few days later it was! I have a lot to say about Rachel's dysphoria, but not today.

Today I just wanted to say 'Hi' from the entrails of my new labyrinth! Hi!! Hi!! Hi!!!!!!

Pix!!!

p.s. I will have new art & music for you someday, I promise. I have a big art project planned for July & Aug. Now is all about writing.

Addendum to Passed, Present & Future

FRIENDS!!

I forgot to mention in yesterday's blog that I will be a guest blogger for a wonderful feminist podcast called Vagina Chronicles. 

If you are a guy or girl with feminist leanings, please check them out: vaginachroniclespodcast.com 

They are also on iTunes, where you can listen to each episode from the past 2 years.

I'm really excited and honored to be doing this because, aside from being a spy, being a blogger is what I'd most love to do with my life.

This will be different from my own personal blog where I just ramble & get silly. I will be covering serious topics about life on this planet as a biological female, particularly as a survivor of sexual abuse.

I know it may seem weird that right as I begin my gender transition, I will be doing something with such a feminist slant. But I will ALWAYS be a feminist. That is not going to change no matter what physical changes I decide to go through…

I spent enough time on this planet as a female to have a deep understanding of why we need equality & justice for women, and how traditional gender roles can be toxic to both genders.

Also, Vagina Chronicles is male friendly. There have been male guests & survivors of abuse featured on the podcast.

So….I'm pretty excited! And I do want to clarify a couple things from yesterday:

1) I am NOT delighted that workplaces have "male" chores & "female" chores. I am only delighted that I got assigned to do "male chores." I would've happily done the "female chores" if that's what they had asked me to do. I rarely pass as male, and the fact that I did that day is what I was happy about.

2) When I say "shrinky-dink, shy, hunched-up girly-girl," I am only referring to myself as a gender dysphoric person. I don't mean that all girls/women are shy, hunched-up creatures, nor do I think they should be. I am amazed (verily, jealous of) women who are happy and proud to be women. I would give anything to feel that way about being a woman. I've tried very hard to feel that way about being a woman.

But…I know I am a dude. A feminist dude : )

The 'C' Word

FRIENDS!!!

Hi I'm back already. I just had to get some thoughts out

Re: Caitlyn…and all the fuss/publicity

Firstly I'm thankful that MOST of the buzz about

Her is positive. THAT is what will make it

Just a little easier for Average Joe & Josephine 

To go through their own transitions, to

Come out to parents & friends who may be in the dark

(Ages) about such things

But…of course the negative buzz is SO grievous

And comes from such a place of ignorance & privileged intolerance

(I'm talking to you, Mike Huckabee. Do you know

What would've happened to ANYONE from

Your generation coming out as Trans?

Let's just say there would've been a lot of

Violence, bruising & bloodiness before you

Ever made it to the girls' showers…)

BUT…

I want to revisit a topic I used to rage against

When I had a blog way back

On MySpace (oh My!)

And that is the topic of infertility & the

"Artificial" means of achieving it

That had its heyday from the late '90s

Til Jan 26, 2009--when a woman called 

OCTOMOM

Gave birth to…I don't know…8..10…babies

At once and who already had several young children

To take care of

I was appalled by this 'trend'

I spoke up loudly against it and probably

Earned some enemies because my exact

Thoughts on the matter were: If you can't

Make a baby the natural way, that is God's way

Of telling you "Do Not Breed!!!"

And I referenced God because

Most of the folks who were engaging in this

"Over-breeding" trend were religious

And they would call their litters of children

'MIRACLES!'

And downplay the science that allowed those

Children to exist

And that pissed me off

I was very much of the mind that until

The foster system in this country and

Orphanages around the world were

Free & clear of unwanted children,

Then no new humans need to be

"Created"

Of course the recession hit--and

We witnessed the torment of John & Kate Gosselin

And Ms. Octomom as they tried to support

And manage and discipline and dress and feed

Their ridiculous amounts of offspring

It wasn't pretty

And people quickly came to their senses

Regarding the number of children they

Wanted to bring into the world

Advances in endocrinology made

Singular and twin births more possible than

Say, octuple births…

The overbreeding trend normalized

But around the same time as the

Breeders were booming, a young "woman"

Named Chastity Bono decided to

Become Chaz--

(w/ much less fanfare than Bruce becoming Caitlyn)--

And becoming Chaz required the same

Sorts of endocrinological magic that

Making in vitro babies required

And I became entangled in an

Ethical dilemma, because…

I had struggled with the very same issue

That made Chaz want to become

Himself:

Gender Dysphoria

I always had it

I still do

I was told I would have to live with it

Silently, selflessly, gladly, invisibly

Period

The end

And I learned to live with it

Not always silently or invisibly

And definitely not gladly, but

I tried and tried and contorted myself

Inside & out

To find reasons to be happy in the

Gender I was assigned at birth

I never felt entitled to turn to science

For help

I didn't even realize I could turn to

Science…until I saw Chaz's

Transformation--

And it was quite a transformation--

But I felt almost as opposed

To changing one's gender with

Hormones as I did to women shooting up

Hormones to become more fertile

I had convinced myself that I was

Put here on Earth in a female body

Because I had something to learn from being female

That perhaps I was some fucked up rapist

Or child molester in a previous life

And as much as I felt like I should've been

Born male

I was absolutely forbidden from

Entertaining that possibility--

I was to serve my sentence here

As Fate had prescribed--as an unhappy

And humiliated female

[Who was grateful to be healthy

But was still unhappy & humiliated]

When I saw Chaz become,

I thought, 'Oh he can do this because

He has money, notoriety, a showbiz name'

A regular dude-girl like me cannot do that

Plus…

If I didn't believe it was okay for

People to make babies in any way

Except the natural way, how could I

Condone gender reassignment?

I tousled with my angels & demons

On this issue

I started doing non-hormonal things

In my own home

Like cutting my hair & dressing up

In masculine attire

Then I saw more & more 

Transgender people appearing on 

Big Media platforms like Oprah!

And Dr. Phil.

I started to reconsider my beliefs

About many things

About what was possible in this world…

Look how LONG I have

Rambled on & on again…!!!

The point I am making (mostly for

My own eyes to see)

Is how far I have had to come 

To accept something once so controversial

I have Gender Dysphoria & it

Took me a goddamn long time to wrap

My head around the fact that it was

OkAY

To seek relief from feeling

That horrific discomfort!

So of course it has taken the

General (non-dysphoric) Public

A little longer to wrap its big old

Planet-head around the whole concept

But it hasn't taken AS LONG

As I thought it might

Maybe the world is more accepting

Than I imagined

But maybe it's really because of people like

Chaz, and Jaz, and Isis*, and Kristin

And Ryland and Caitlyn and Janet and

Laverne and Aidan….etc…etc…etc…

Who are a lot braver than I could ever be

And just SHOWED the world how

OKAY 

It really is…

SO…if you've read this far & are all fired up &

Inspired by people being whoever they want

To be,

I just want to keep it real by reminding you all

That there was a big oil spill off the coast of California

This week

And

ISIS** is taking root on American soil as we speak

Good Day

*Isis, not ISIS

**ISIS, not Isis

Also, you can always go here for more of my (concise) thoughts on gender:

https://www.tumblr.com/blog/vindicationdonkeystar