Showing posts with label gender dysphoria. Show all posts
Showing posts with label gender dysphoria. Show all posts

Friday, December 17, 2021

TERVISH WHIRLING

 Hi Friends,


I’m back w/ episode 3 of what is shaping up to be a “Holiday Series” on the state of LGB  TQness from the inside and the outside.


Without further adoo-doo I want to introduce you to a Triad of TERFs whose voices rise above the rest. They’re critical! They’re smug! They’re special! And they’re always right because they have all the facts you could ever want on gender!  Please welcome —


Kellie-Jay Keen


TT Exulansic


     and


KAREN!!!!!!!!!!!!


Yes, one of our TERFs is indeed a Karen. Karen Davis to be exact. I have given you the real names of these women in case you want to experience them for yourselves. However, when I write about them down below I will be using cutesy little nicknames for them, and I will also be misgendering them, just as they insist on doing to the trans folks they talk about.


 



Let’s start with Mr. Keen, whom I will heretofore refer to as HOSEY HARKER:


Hosey Harker is a British TERF whose smugness is matched only by his technical inabilities. I’ve had to stop watching his videos because it’s embarrassing to see him fumble with the technology, bobbling his blond Monroesque head saying “Oh my, what am I doing?” Plus all he does now is thank his army of haters for their cash donations and beg everyone to buy his merch.


But let’s start at the beginning. Hosey Harker was a progressive left feminist until one day a trans woman showed up at the feminist rally Mr. Harker was attending and dared to say things that didn’t align with Mr. Harker’s idea of what a feminist should be. Now this trans woman may or may not have been out of line. She may or may not have been an autogynephile. She may or may not have been wearing “woman face”, which is how Mr. Harker describes trans women who wear too much make up and sexy clothes w/out bothering to shave or get surgery, making “womanhood” into some kind of drag farce.


I was not at the meeting and I don’t have the facts. I have to rely on what Mr. Harker has said about it. 


Unfortunately, around this same time, a couple of things happened in the UK that brought negative attention onto the trans community. Karen White, a trans woman who was an inmate at a woman’s prison, raped other inmates whilst there; you can read about it here—


https://www.theguardian.com/society/2018/oct/11/karen-white-how-manipulative-and-controlling-offender-attacked-again-transgender-prison


Aside from the obvious tragedy resulting from this bureaucratic error, another thing about this Karen that stood out to me was that she — stood out. She had a history of prior violence; she seemed “off” to her psychologist, ie different from other trans patients; she was jailed for a very violent crime and probably should’ve been confined from the rest of the prisoners whether she was in a men’s or women’s facility.





Another thing that happened in the UK around this time was the case of Keira Bell. Bell was a depressed and dysmorphic teenager who sought help from Britain’s Tavistock Gender Clinic. This clinic operates on an “affirmative care” model, which means that anyone who walks through their doors must have gender identity issues significant enough that no questions are asked — they are immediately “affirmed” as the opposite gender and practically pushed into treatments like hormone blockers, HRT, & surgeries.


Bell went through all the “trans rites” I mentioned in my previous blog and she still was not feeling that she fit into society any better as a male. You can read here about the lawsuit she brought against the Tavistock clinic, and how the initial ruling in her favor was overturned recently —


https://www.catholicnewsagency.com/news/249026/keira-bell-uk-woman-who-regrets-teen-gender-transition-sees-court-victory-overturned-on-appeal


Anyhoo, back to Mr. Hosey Harker. He really felt that his lifelong identity as a feminist was being hijacked by not only autogynephilic trans women (and in Mr. Harker’s mind it seems all trans women are autogynephiles) but by those doctors and lawyers on the left who enable them. So now he is a right wing gatekeeper of feminist politics, his central purpose being to define the word WOMAN.


I ask you dear readers, what do you think the word WOMAN means?


(and you can be as snarky about that as you want. But then give it some serious thought and see what you come up with.)

Obviously a woman is an adult human female, as Mr. Harker and the dictionary agree. But what is a human female? Someone who can give birth? Not all human females can do that. Someone with XX chromosomes? For the most part this is true, but there are female-identified humans who have variations on this chromosomal combination. It’s hard to draw the line, even medically. It’s much harder to do so legally. 


But Mr. Hosey Harker seems to think defining womanhood is as easy as misgendering transwomen and wearing a black T-shirt that states in bold sequin lettering “WOMAN = adult human female”


Of the three TERFs I’m profiling here, I think Hosey Harker is my least favorite, because he doesn’t seem to have the intellectual capacity of the other two. He seems very emotionally strung out about his “special women-only spaces” being taken over by this cavalcade of perverts that don’t really exist. Are there autogynephiles out there who put on “woman face” just to assert themselves into women’s spaces? Yes, a few cases have been documented. But this is not a fair representation of trans women on the whole, and I’m sorry that the few known cases have frightened Mr. Harker so badly and that he is so emotionally fragile about his womanhood that he’s now a hateful TERF with a big loud lipsticked mouth, shouting about who qualifies as female and who doesn’t.



 



So now let’s talk about Mr Exulansic, whom I will heretofore call PP Sexual Antics:


Mr Sexual Antics actually seems like an interesting fellow. He is a speech pathologist and knows lots about voices and vocal maladies and why trans people talk in “tranny voice”. He has extensive medical knowledge, beyond just voice stuff. He knows a lot about THE SURGERIES, and can rhapsodize in fluent medicalese about why it’s not a good idea to take a scalpel to the pelvic floor of anyone, or what long term effects hormone blockers can have on the entire endocrine system (gender hormones are not the only hormones flowing through our human meatsacks). Mr Sexual Antics also studied languages along the way and is very clever with the word play — touche Mr SA !! Good one! Ouch. Anyway…he entertains while he makes his salient points.


Another very important thing about Mr Sexual Antics is that he once suffered from gender dysphoria. He is a rare specimen who succumbed to conversion therapy — I’m not sure where or how — but he had a psychologist who was not gender-affirming, and questions were asked and realizations were made, and poof, Mr SA’s gender dysphoria was cured and he was content with living the rest of his life as a woman, bypassing the option of becoming a lifelong hormone patient. Good for him! I am genuinely happy that he found a solution for his gender dysphoria that didn’t involve being medicalized for a lifetime. Except maybe he will be on anti depressants forever?


Mr Sexual Antics seems like a rather bitter person. He became a presence on youtube, TikTok and Twitter, he claims, to strike out at the medical professionals who are ruining the lives of young people. He is contemptuous of the gender therapists who use the affirmative model. He is livid at the surgeons who carve up healthy genitals only to have to repair and revise their work over & over. This seems pretty noble to me — to place the blame for negligence on the professionals who act negligently. Fair enough.


But Mr. Sexual Antics is also pretty hateful toward the young trans people he purports to care about. He mocks their videos. He misgenders them. He thinks every trans person should be converted by therapy rather than be on hormones forever. He thinks gender dysphoria is just depression gone wild, and kids are too stupid to realize this for themselves and give themselves over to the medical monsters who want to capitalize on them. He snickers when a trans kid is on his/her third surgery & still maintains no regrets about it.





Mr Sexual Antics is particularly obsessed with Jazz Jennings, whom he sees as the ultimate sacrificial lamb to the trans medical machine. Not to mention the media machine.


I have followed the story of Jazz’s life since she was a 6-yr-old being interviewed by Barbara Walters. Because when I saw that interview I saw me as a 6-yr-old, desperately wishing for a second chance to be born as a boy instead of a girl. I saw the look on little Jazz’s face and saw the same deep sorrow that I felt about my gender at that age. 

[There are many opinions out there about “who is really trans?” “how can someone know from such a young age that they are not a boy or a girl?” “what criteria do professionals look for when diagnosing a person as Trans?” There are people who believe that gender dysphoria must be present — that it is the very condition that marks the need to medically transition. There are others who believe that dysphoria does not need to be a factor — a person just needs to feel euphoria about being the opposite gender. The people, like me and Jazz, who knew from the time they could talk that they were in the wrong body, are sometimes dubious of the people who experience Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria (ROGD). It’s not just the surgeries that are still in their experimental phases — it’s the whole ideology around gender that’s not quite understood by anyone, really. By a few very insightful people, maybe. It’s all very complicated and there is no right answer…yet.]


Jazz has grown up on television, which I have no doubt is the greatest contributor to the mental health issues I’ve watched her struggle with. Mr Sexual Antics seems to think it has more to do with puberty blockers (Lupron) and an over-involved family dynamic. Mr SA says that Jazz’s mother has Munchausen-by-proxy, and that she is the one who pressured Jazz into transition and surgeries, so that she could reap all the sympathy and admiration that comes with having a trans child. I totally agree that Jazz’s mom is way too involved in her daughter’s private life. But I totally disagree that she pushed Jazz in any way. I think she supported Jazz in her identity as a girl, and kind of let Jazz lead the way (which has also been criticized by many).


Also, I believe that the sadness that comes with being gender dysphoric at such a young age never leaves you. You can take hormones, you can have surgeries, you can dance, you can do art, you can do sports…but somewhere inside you lives that prehistoric sorrow of being born wrong. It can be managed, it can be molded & directed & channeled any which way, but there are times when it’s just going to flare up, where it will be recalled by old neural pathways you thought you’d paved over. And I think that’s what Jazz is experiencing right now.


Just for the record, Jazz started puberty blockers at 11. She had been depressed many times as a child, and continued to have depressive episodes throughout her teens, even after starting HRT. Shortly before her 18th birthday (which I agree is too soon) she had her first gender confirmation surgery (vaginoplasty). It was all televised, including the doctor visits where they determined that the puberty blockers had stunted the growth of her male genitals enough to be a problem for constructing proper female genitals from them. There was footage from the operating room. There was footage of doctors advising her to go off the estrogen to allow for some growth of the male genitals. There was footage of a few doctors advising her to wait on the surgery until it was a little more fine-tuned. But Jazz chose to go right ahead and have experimental surgery in June of 2018. She didn’t want to go off hormones and risk any facial hair or deepened voice.  So the surgeons did the best they could with what they had to work with.


The smuggest post op photo I could find --Back at ya terfs!



And there were complications. And more surgeries. I think she had a total of three surgeries to get a functional and aesthetic vagina. And she was on pain medication. And she was on bed rest. And she had to dilate herself three times a day. And she had to apply to colleges. And she got into Harvard but wasn’t sure she could go because her surgical wounds were not all the way healed, and she was still on medication, and on TV, and on & on & on…Do you see what I’m saying? Wouldn’t anyone be depressed and anxious in the face of all that? I would! In fact I did go through a period of depression after my (single) top surgery. It’s a big deal, and then it’s over…and you kind of come crashing down from it.


It surprises me that PP Sexual Antics can’t account for all that emotional turbulence, and tries to paint Jazz as the poster child of her mother’s Munchausen syndrome and the surgeons’ predatory egos. PP SA was himself gender dysphoric at one time — is he just feeling a little jealous? He calls the medicalization of trans people a “church” and a “cult” but I think he was just converted by a different “church” whose believers embrace “harsh scientific truth” as their God and don’t allow for the more diaphanous aspects of human nature.


Anyway, I don’t hate PP Sexual Antics as much as the other two TERFs. I allow for his smugness because he really is as smart as he thinks he is. But sometimes being too smart, too factual, closes you off from your humanity. It’s a delicate balance — I love science, and facts, but I also know that there are bits of being human that are indefinable, that defy scientific scrutiny or factual pedantry.


Farewell, Mr PP Sexual Antics. Enjoy your time in Twitter jail.





Woo-hoo, now it’s time to talk about KAREN, whom I will refer to as Ziwe’s Kanundrum:


Oh what can I say about Ziwe’s Kanundrum??? Well I’ll tell you this — he is a black TERF named Karen. So much kanundrum!


Like Hosey Harker, ZK pretty much thinks all trans women are autogynephilic perverts. But like PP Sexual Antics, ZK is a fairly educated, talented, funny person. He is a music teacher who plays guitar and keyboards and writes some clever songs about being a TERF.


It’s harder to argue against or discredit TERFs (terves, as ZK calls them) when they are witty and charming, and when they are friends with other reputable intellectuals like Ute Hagen.


I’m not sure how ZK and Ute Hagen became friends, but I imagine it was through the academic pipeline. I remember Ute Hagen giving a theater lecture at FSU when I was a student there so many years ago. So these two creative academics are good friends and make videos together. And it so happens that Ute Hagen is a “trans widow”. That means that her husband of many years suddenly came out as a trans woman, and he was indeed of the autogynephilic persuasion. Sadly, he insisted on Ute participating in new and strange sexual configurations that were never before part of their marriage, and which were really against her will. She finally had to admit that their marriage was over, that there was no “working things out” with her husband, and what he was doing to her was toxic and abusive.


“Trans widowhood” is common when one partner in a relationship comes out later in life, well into the marriage, and the other partner cannot adjust to the change. Not all of these situations involve autogynephilia however. Perhaps through his association with Ute, ZK formed the opinion that the vast majority of trans women are homewrecking, wife abusing perverts. 


ZK is a bit of a bully. He sings his TERF songs loud and proudly, he misgenders and provokes and insults the bodies of the trans women who populate youtube and twitter (most of whom are not representative of what an average real-life trans woman is). He likes to take down the white male pervs with his astounding musical ability and wit.





The worst thing about Ziwe’s Kanundrum is that he is so blinded by his own splendor he fails to see the HUGE picture all around him — that far from being all white male perverts, trans women are usually just nice ladies who come in all shades of pink, brown, black, turquoise and ochre. That far from always being the perpetrators of sexual abuse/violence, trans women are usually the victims of such violence. He may be shocked to discover that there are trans women as smart and talented as he is, who don’t spend their days putting on “woman face” and traipsing into locker rooms to expose their “peens.”


SO…that’s all I will say about the Triad of TERFS. I did not include the most famous TERF of all — JK Rowling — because she is pretty boring as TERFs go. Her stance may be much more damaging due to her high visibility but she only strikes occasionally on Twitter and I don’t want to give her any more “air time” than she already gets. 


As for Dave Chappelle — I really don’t think he is Team TERF. I think he only has half an understanding of what a TERF is. I think he is a former transphobe who recognizes that he was woefully under-informed about true trans experiences. I do think his friendship with his token trans friend fostered in him a desire to be more tolerant. I think like most straight men, his fear of trans women came from an overtly sexual place. We all know straight men are terrified of being duped into anything that resembles homosexuality. And that’s what trans women represent to a lot of straight men. Just like TERFs think trans women are autogynephilic pervs who want to invade their spaces, straight men think trans women are homosexuals who want to trick them into doing gay stuff.


I thought I could wrap up this “Holiday Series” in 2 or 3 episodes, but I do feel I have more to say about Detransitioners, Autogynephiles, Surgeries and the Conservative Movement within the trans community. I’m chronicling all this stuff not just for yall’s entertainment, but for my own enlightenment. I can get way too complacent about the state of things in my own little bubble and I need a reality check on occasion.





P.S. I had my first colonoscopy this week! And it was not without some drama. I may tell you all about it in the next episode. HERE in the Octopus Diary.

Monday, April 10, 2017

Valentine Tremens: The Octuple Life of Zin Hitman

Friends,

What was it like to be trapped in the gender binary in the 1930s? I don’t even want to think about it.

But I did think about it when I read the biography of sci-fi author James Tiptree, aka Alice Bradley Sheldon. As a young girl—the only child of two wealthy socialites—Alice accompanied her parents on adventures all around the world, but they spent most of their time deep in the heart of Africa, where few American children dreamed of going. They explored and hunted in regions barely accessible by foot; they spent time in a cannibal village in the Congo; they slept in hammocks in the mouths of volcanoes.

Mary & Alice in Africa


Alice was always guarded like a rare jewel in Africa. She had big Congolese bodyguards, and was often left in their care while her parents hunted big game and did research on the tribal cultures. It was a dangerous place for a 6-yr-old white girl whose survival skills were pared in Chicago’s elite social circles. It was a unique set of environments that left young Alice feeling like some kind of valuable object—just another of her parents’ collectibles.

Alice knew her father would’ve rather had a son (like every father in America!). But her parents did the best they could for her. She went to good schools. She had several exciting careers. She joined the Army in the 30s and worked at the Pentagon during The War. She had an almost creepy-close relationship with her mother, but had difficulty connecting w/ other people her age. She was especially confused about men, women and dating.

Her life was not that of a “typical girl.” Even among the privileged debutantes of Chicago, Alice’s life resume was packed with hijinx so uncommon for a young woman, it was hard for her to find a man she felt was her equal. (She was also super-intelligent, like CIA-intelligent, a brilliant artist & writer, and very ambitious career-wise). She felt stifled playing the role of “the pretty & helpless object” which was the only role for women within the bounds of 1930s heteronormativity. 

She had an attraction to other girls in high school and college, but if she had trouble finding a man who was her equal, she was surely bored to tears by the way girls’ thinking was limited to love, marriage, babies, home. She would always try to rouse the wildness she knew must exist inside these poor unenlightened girls, but they never took the bait. They were content to have boyfriends, marry, & make babies.

After Tiptree's short story "The Girl Who Was Plugged In"


Much of her adult life was spent in the male dominated military, where she was well-respected and received lots of male attention (oh yeah, she was also good looking. Imagine that.) But she always resented having to pretend to “be less” so that her dates wouldn’t be intimidated.

Even in her childhood in Africa, Alice lamented being a girl. She knew that if she’d been a boy she would’ve been given her own gun & taken out on the hunts. Later, she knew that she would have a much higher rank in the military if she were a man. By age 30, she was pretty ate up about how being a woman had cost her things that would’ve been within reach if she had been born in a different body.

She spent a lot of time thinking & writing about bodies. Women’s bodies and the sovereignty that eludes them. She was very much like me in that she hated being a woman but fought hard for women to obtain the basic status of “human being.”

There were many times while I was reading this book that I reached for my phone because I wanted to call this person I was reading about who was so much like me (minus the trips to Africa & the wealthiness). Who felt as much like I did that her body was a loathesome birth defect that kept her from living up to her full potential.

Alice struggled with dating & relationships, with being considered an inferior version of an Army officer. With the question of motherhood—could she? should she? why did she feel nothing for children?

She was 36 (ancient in those days) when she finally met a man who was at least her intellectual equal, and they actually carved out a nice life. They retired and bought a chicken farm in New England. Her husband, Ting, stayed on at the CIA and Alice stayed home with the chickens and started writing. At first she wrote articles for magazines, like her mother did, but Alice wasn’t as successful as her mother at writing about “lady things.”

Because of course, that’s what the magazines wanted from her. LADY STUFF!!! Gardening. marriage advice. Blah blah blah. After several years, Alice began writing short stories. Speculaltive fiction, aka sci-fi.

Again, not many magazines wanted to publish fantastic stories by a …lady.  So one day at the grocery store, after seeing the name “Tiptree” on a jar of jam, Alice came up with a pseudonym. James Tiptree Jr was born in aisle 3.

We got to be bunny-parents for 3 days in March


Writing under a pseudonym gave Alice all the confidence she had lacked in her writing before. She submitted some of her new stories and they were immediately published. And not only that—everyone loved them. All the budding sci fi authors of the 1950s & 60s really loved Tiptree. All the publishers loved “him.”

Alice, like many housewives in that day, took dexedrine to keep her peppy & productive around the house. Dexedrine was also a great drug for writing crazy speculative space-age shit. Lots of writiers used it too. Writing on dexedrine was jet fuel to their synapses.

By the time she harnessed her identity as James Tiptree and had a reputation as a force in the sci fi world, Alice was about 50 years old. But this close-knit community had no idea, and everyone thought “he” was some young, hip author who had just materialized out of nowhere. A savant of sorts.

This was fine with Alice. She was thrilled with living this double life where she could be who she wanted and no one could “see” her and diminish her importance as a wordsmith. She struck up elaborate friendships with all the other sci fi authors of the time—Ellison, Dick, LeGuin, Heinlein, et al—they all corresponded by mail like we do now on Snapchat.

After several years of publishing works under her pseudonym, people started to wonder about Tiptree’s identity. They all had met at writer’s conferences, sci fi conventions, Nebula award ceremonies. Of course, Tiptree was always invited to these events but he always declined. Year after year after year. Even the year “he” won the Nebula, he avoided the ceremony & they mailed it to him.

It got to the point where people were trying to find him. Stalking him. Trying to put a face to the name. He had become such a compelling & mysterious figure. Rumors started that he had some highly classified government job — that’s actually how Tiptree kept his followers at a distance, told them his career wouldn’t allow for much socializing. And at one point young Harlan Ellison got wind of Alice’s parents’ address in Chicago, from some careless comment Tiptree made in his correspondence. 

It was Ellison who did the detective work that led him to the home of Alice & Ting Sheldon one day, about 10 years in to Tiptree’s masquerade. Ellison and his friend rang the doorbell & Alice answered and when they asked for Tiptree she pretended she had no idea what they were talking about. But the word was out. The rumors were spreading that James Tiptree was a 50-year-old housewife on a New England chicken farm.

Bunny Farm w spider


Being found out was devastating to Alice. She loved her secret identity—the authority and relevance that never would’ve been been granted to an “Alice Sheldon.” She had a difficult “coming out” to all her sci fi pen pals, and though they all claimed it didn’t matter, that she would always be Tiptree to them—it did matter. The love & respect dwindled away slowly, the letters between them stopped, Alice could not be Alice with the people for whom she had been Tiptree.

And therefore she decided that she simply…couldn’t be. It wasn’t immediately after the Tiptree leak, but a few years later, depressed and robbed of all sense of belonging to the group that once held her in such high esteem, she proposed a murder/suicide pact to her husband. Ting was not in favor if the plan, but he was quite a bit older, losing his sight and becoming feeble. So—tragically—Alice carried out the plan without his consent. 

One night as he slept, she shot him in the head, then called a friend and told him to come right over, that he would find both of them dead, and she shot herself.  A terrible end to a brilliant mind, no matter how tormented by its own dysphoric perceptions.

******************

The story of Tiptree stuck with me for weeks, months after I read it. Shit, it’s still sticking to me. Another person who felt just as I felt, was damaged so hard by the gender binary that exists to box us in, to keep us separate & unequal, to define us as breeding machines, to label us “superior” & “inferior.”  

Most people don’t think about their gender anymore than they do about the color of the sky. Oh, it’s blue? Okay. That’s what it is. No need to question why the sky isn’t chartreuse. Most people don’t question the gender they’re “assigned” or the “role” that goes with it.

And that was always disappointing to me—I couldn’t relate to girls who were giggly & happy & cared so much about being pretty & having long hair & fingernails & which boy was cute. I was always like, let’s overthrow the regime!! And they were like, not now I’m playing with my little ponies!

I guess the 70s & 80s were not much better than the 30s & 40s. Anyway, I’ve always been terrible at communicating my issues with gender—

I’m too emotionally attached to the dilemma. I rant & spit upon myself like garbage. It scares people. But Alice at least came from a loving family who did everything to support her in her ambitions. And I think in those days, it was such a silent epidemic, absolutely nowhere to seek advice for gender dysphoria. Only destructive Freudian platitudes to turn to. It wasn’t as if she had any other way to communicate it except through sci fi, where all things are possible.

**************

“Women never seem to be zesty connoisseurs—Life not there for my savoring. But if women don’t sit around talking about wine, whiskey, cars or horses, What do they deal in? Are they alive?”  ~ Alice Sheldon (1972)

“Funny about that thrill; finally realized what it comes from: Subconsciously, a conviction that the really good writers aren’t human. That the works are messages in bottles from the writer’s world. You know? So when Sturgeon or Bunch or somebody turns out to be an actual Terran primate using—of all things—the U.S. mails, with zip number for god’s sake—I get about the same kick the Ozma people would if one of the pulsars began to rap out binary Yeats.”  
~ James Tiptree, to Phillip Dick after receiving complimentary correspondence from him (1969)

“The distasteful proof that my sexuality is bound up with masochistic fantasies of helplessness depressed me profoundly. I am not a man, I am not the do-er, the penetrator. And Tiptree was “magical” manhood, his pen my prick. I had through him all the power & prestige of masculinity. I was—though an aging intellectual—of those who own the world. How I loathe being a woman. Wanting to be done to…?
Tiptree’s “death” has made me face what I never really went into with Bob Harper—my self-hate as a woman. And my view of the world as structured by raw power… I want power. I want to be listened to. And I’ll never have it. I’m stuck with this perverse second-rate body; my life.”  ~ Alice’s journal entry in response to a report of child sexual abuse in the newspaper (1977)

*******************

Your old pals Cody & Hillary from Singlewood. We watched a show called '13 Reasons Why' this weekend. It was disturbing and PROBLEMATIC and I may write about it here…in the Octopus Diary


I hope you enjoy the Tiptree Art. It’s hard for me to be creative these days. I feel worried & anxious much of the time. But I am going to do something different—

I’m going to keep painting the same thing over & over. I will paint the African landscape & the girl who was plugged in many times over the year. And we’ll see what subtle variations (or not so subtle) arise…


ARISE!!!!!

Wednesday, March 2, 2016

Kalashnikov Dysphoria

HEY!!! Friends!

I wanted to add this to my thoughts on 'PuberSpace'---

I get a little flipped out when I read accounts of people who transition (genderwise) and have somehow been deemed gender dysphoric but claim they have not experienced any distress about being born in the wrong body.

????????????????????????????????????????????????

Whaaaaa??????

I know this is the new THING in the transgender narrative. "Sure I felt the need to medically transition, but it wasn't because I felt bad about my body." I struggle to understand this, because….if it weren't for how bad I feel about this body I wouldn't have sought help to change it.

If I felt okay in a female body, but felt a little masculine-of-center, then I would be just fine "dressing the part." Carrying on as a tomboy or an unlady-like lady. (<< all things I've been accused of anyway)

But I've felt so bad in this body it has held me back in life. I don't even like going out of my house. I don't want to interact with my fellow humans because well…all interactions between humans are gendered & my body was a big flashing sign that said "Treat me like an inferior object!" No matter how I covered it up or acted detached from it---there it always was.

[On the flipside, I've also tried to enjoy being treated like a female--like an object. Pretty! Sexy! Nicely dressed! It was a game. It could be fun, but felt like such a clown-circus-lie-fest.]

Now I think I'm starting to understand why we would want to remove being Transgender from the category of being Mentally Ill.

We want Transgender to be something more like IBS. Something is not quite right, so we take our medication for it. But it doesn't mean we're Craaayyyyyy-zayyyyyyy! Or depressed or distressed or incapacitated in any way.

Right now, as mentioned in the previous blog, to receive medical treatment for gender dysphoria you need a note from a Mental Health Professional. Thus, being transgender is a mental illness. 

I was labeled mentally ill before I even started Kindergarten. But I have to say--I've always felt like I was the sane one in a world full of crazy, stupid people who weren't seeing things the way I was.

It was very frustrating. And it may have driven me to actually BE crayyy-zayyyy. I understand why it would be beneficial to all trans people moving forward to remove the stigma. For gender identity issues to be nothing more than a technical glitch---

Oops, we designated you female at birth because of some trifling anatomical features we detected on your neo-natal flesh.

It's hard for me to grasp being gender dysphoric without---the DYSPHORIA!!! 

It's also hard for me to take the lead of a younger generation. Because that's what I'm having to do. My generation & the generations before me were not allowed to have gender identity issues. It was more than the medical field or polite society could handle. So we sucked it up & became crazy people.

But now the world is listening, and people way younger than me understand how to communicate things I had to keep silent about. I am humbled by these kids. Why was I not brave enough to speak up?

Well…when I look at my whole life I know I was as non-conforming and outspoken as I could've been at the time. I have the scars to prove I wasn't just an accomplice in society's fairytale…

so…if we have to use sanitized phrases like 'designated female at birth' and 'gender confirmation surgery' to make Transgender more palatable to our fairytale society…

then I will do my best not to scream "Get me the fuck out of this vagina nightmare!!!!!! Aaaaaaghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"



Okay. Now here's a poem about something truly insane---guns.

*********************************************************************

3rd poem in trilogy about guns: WHICH CAME FIRST,

The 2nd amendment
Or your balls blue from edging
All day in your chamber?

Lady trigger finger done in 
Two minutes flat while you
Enlist the help of concubines

Somehow this fetish gives 
Birth to the great equalizer
Death on a leather harness
God in your pocket

From the humble prototype--
Ornate barrel 
At the spear's  tipping point--
To the lubricated void
Of the A-K
The infinite loop

Of assassinations
William the Silent was the
First to be silenced on the shores of 
His own bloodline
History looped endlessly
To repeat this sound

In Lincoln's, Garfield's, McKinley's, 
Ferdinand's,
Gandhi's,
Kennedy's, X's, King's, Kennedy's,
Milk's, Lennon's,
Sadat's, Gandhi's, Rabin's, Bhutto's
Eternal ear drum machine

To repeat the question
Which came first
The chicken or the bully?
The sperm or the egg?
Which came first
The dick or the pussy?
The happy or the tragic
End?

The answer never comes.
The answer is celibate, ace
Frozen in bed
The answer is suicidal
The song holds the answer like a newborn
Quickly letting go
Of its divinity

A Cobain or Shakur,
A Hemingway, Thompson or 
Joan Burroughs whose angelhoods
Dead-ended in glory 

Whose persons turned to ash
While their legends grew bigger wings
Than middle management angels
Or arch enemies' unbending
Arms


2-9-16