Can You Get Akathisia From Typing "aka" Too Much?

 Frienz,

The reason I had such severe akathisia, on both occasions, is because I live a pretty sedentary lifestyle. I did mention that dopamine is metabolized by inhaling great gusts of oxygen & exchanging those for full exhales of carbon dioxide, aka BREATHING!!!???  When you live an active lifestyle and do a lot of exchanging oxygen for carbon dioxide, you aren’t at too much risk of getting dopamine clots. As a writer/artist whose days are spent typing at a computer or drawing at a table…I did not have much oxygen breaking up those clots.

So not all akathisia looks like mine. If you have a very active job like landscaping or porn star, you may just feel anxious & sleepless in the middle of the night. You may feel overly caffeinated at times, but will be able to dispel all that restlessness as you work. You may or may not feel the depressive symptoms of akathisia. If you work a desk job, you may feel more anxious and jittery at work, and more depressed and restless at night. It can manifest in many different ways. It may not knock you over the head like it did me, so just pay attention to your own reaction to any medication you take.

'Juliet' was my alter ego before I was Vin. Very complicated — don't even try to understand

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SO, I’ve made some bold claims as to why I KNOW certain celebrities & school shooters died from akathisia. I stand by those claims whole-heartedly. And I will defend them for you now:

HOW I KNOW ROBIN WILLIAMS DIED FROM AKATHISIA:  more intuitively than anything else. Because RW’s suicide happened during my own worst phase of akathisia, it came with flashing warning lights. Of course, I thought at the time that it was because I was getting the same disease that RW had been diagnosed with — Lewy Body Dementia. I had no idea until recently that the reason both RW & I were feeling so horrible was not because we had Lewy Body Dementia*. I have since read commentary from his family that states they believe it was medication side-effects that were the direct cause of suicide.

*RW did have LBD, but that was not the direct cause of his suicide. 

HOW I KNOW DAVID FOSTER WALLACE DIED FROM AKATHISIA: When I read ‘Infinite Jest’ in 2017, I was absolutely bowled over by the passage in the middle of the book in which Wallace writes w/ such painful clarity about “DEPRESSION”.  

“This is exactly my 2014 experience!!!” I thought. I couldn’t have described it with any more alarming accuracy. In fact I was jealous that Wallace had captured the essence of “DEPRESSION” with his brilliantly simple metaphor. I had tried to write about it when I was going through it but I could not capture the profound horror of it.

Of course, I thought then that I had been suffering the same level of Major Depressive Disorder as David Foster Wallace. Wow, maybe depression really IS that bad, I thought.

And of course, I later found out that it was akathisia and not depression that was being described. If you google ‘David Foster Wallace akathisia’ you will find the passage from ‘Infinite Jest’ I’m referring to. 

Reports from Wallace’s girlfriend at the time of his suicide reveal that he was experiencing some pretty severe akathisia symptoms for quite awhile. Amazing that he hung on for as long as he did.

post-akathisia art 2015 (I was still calling it a *nervous breakdown*)

HOW I KNOW THAT ADAM LANZA (& ALL HIS VICTIMS) DIED FROM AKATHISIA: 

NOW PAY ATTENTION! The other two were easy. They just killed themselves. I told you akathisia looks different for everyone. Mostly it manifests as a strange combination of severe restlessness and horrific sadness. But it can also manifest in violent ways. [Is it any surprise that extreme sadness & restlessness could lead to violence?]

Now here’s the part of this story that’s going to get weird if I’m not careful how I tell it. You may or may not know that from 2017 — 2019 I went on a ‘psychic safari’ that was planned, open-ended and not focused on writing things that sounded like gibberish today but might mean something in the future. 

It started with simple automatic writing in Dec 2017, and soon it found its purpose after the Feb 2018 massacre at Marjory Stoneman Douglas school. I knew that i wanted this psychic safari to ‘show me’ what we need to do about school shootings. That’s all I knew. I wanted answers to all this deadly violence that no one seemed concerned about. [No one being Congress & the gun lobby.]

I was very focused on the guns. And I was very focused on Nikolas Cruz for much of 2018, as we all were at the time. Sometime in the summer of 2018 I started experiencing some out of character emotions (like really violent bouts of anger). And a persistent, urgent voice seemed to be emerging from the din — ‘Lambert.’ Lambert seemed to be taking direction of my psychic safari.

As the whole experience deepened and sharpened into something I can only call ’shamanistic fight club’, I hope you all were astute enough to guess that it was Adam Lanza & his mother Nancy whom I met with from Mar 27 — Apr 29, 2019 on the psychic plane. Lambert was Lanza.

Before I embarked upon my psychic safari, I was not particularly interested in school shootings; I did not have a special interest in any particular shooting or shooter (though I had read Elliot Rodgers manifesto, mostly for knowledge of the enemy]. I just knew I was tired of feeling helpless & hopeless every time I heard another report of multiple dead bodies on school property.

So…to end up in communion with these two spirits was UNEXPECTED to say the least. Frustratingly enough, I still had trouble understanding what they were trying to tell me. I remained focused on the guns.

And don’t get me wrong — the guns are bad. GUNS ARE BAD, mmmkay, and STUPID. They just are. They suck. They do kill people. They were to blame for all the school shootings just as much as the shooters & the medications involved. It is a three-pronged problem.

But I was missing one of the prongs. In an effort to keep the gun lobby from deflecting blame onto MENTAL ILLNESS, there was a big push to deflect blame right back onto the AUTOMATIC WEAPONS. And rightfully so. No civilian human being should own an automatic weapon.But I digress.

If anyone had told me that it wasn’t so much MENTAL ILLNESS that needed looking at, but the MEDICATIONS used to treat mental illness, I would’ve decried it as another distraction from the GUNS.

It took me going through it myself — experiencing the potency of these side effects — to understand that yes, this could definitely contribute to a person’s urge to commit utter destruction.

Anyway…my time in the spirit realm with the Lanzas was not easy to understand, but the dialogue we did maintain led me to believe that Adam was feeling very “strange” for months before the killings. That’s all I kept hearing “I feel strange” “I feel weird” I feel bad all over”. And in 2019, I just thought that was because he was a psychopathic school shooter. Of course he feels weird & bad.

I felt weird & bad the whole time I was communing with them. I was angry the whole time & my arms hurt really bad. Switching between spirit world & real time was a harsh transition every afternoon when Tony came home. I yelled at him a lot. I yelled at my mom. I yelled at my cat. I felt weird & bad…but it wasn’t quite the weird & bad I needed to feel to understand…

One thing I forgot to mention about my 2014-15 akathisia was…I used to RUN. I carved a path through my house & whenever I felt unbearably restless, I would RUN back & forth through my house—too embarrassed & scared to go outside—FOR HOURS. 

If I tried to run for 10 minutes right now, I would huff & puff & fall to the floor in a heap of out-of-shape exhaustion.

And I was NOT in great shape in 2014-15. As I said I was living a pretty sedate lifestyle. But I was able to run for hours at a time. Three hours was not unusual. Non stop until I could feel my dopamine clots loosen.Until I felt like I could finally sit down & think.

After communing with the Lanzas, I had more questions than answers. I went online to find some more personal stuff about Lanza. I had never had any interest whatsoever in the freaky kid with the asylum haircut who had killed all those children! I expected to find out he was a silent loner, a computer geek with no life beyond the screen.

And there was some of that — but not until later in his life. He presented pretty normally until puberty, when it seems he developed some pedophilic feelings. He also started seeing a psychologist and taking Lexapro (or Fanapt) around this time. Reports vary on which medication it was, and the fact that Lanza’s records from this psychologist were destroyed shortly after the crime is…SUPER SUSSSPICIOUS.

But the details of his life in the months before he committed the murders? Riddled with textbook akathisia. Nancy had reported many mornings Adam would spend crying for hours on the bathroom floor. He covered the windows in his bedroom with black bags & hardly ever came out of there. (I can attest to light-sensitivity during akathisia —especially light shining through windows. Unbearable.)

The only reason Adam would leave his room was to go to the local movie theatre, where he would spend HOURS playing Dance Dance Revolution in the lobby. Three — six hours was not unusual, according to employees at the theatre.

I don’t know any normally functioning human who could play DDR for 3 - 6 hours. Just like I don’t know anyone who could or would run through their house for 3 hours. When the tv says “restless legs” do you picture someone playing DDR all day or running frantically from room to room?

I don’t.

Anyway..there’s the nutshell version of why I KNOW all these famous names died from akathisia. I hope I haven’t scared you or sizzled your synapses with all this info. I hope that if you are experiencing any symptoms that resemble akathisia, you may recognize them & call your doctor, or tell someone you trust.

Hope you enjoyed this comic strip about Vin doing all of Juliet's emotional labor, while she walks away, ungrateful…isn't that the way alter egos always are? 

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And so…if these famous people can kill themselves, and if these kids can feel so badly that they pick up weapons and shoot their peers, and it still goes unnoticed that they were all taking the same kinds of medication…

…then I have questions about the other suicides-- an alarming number of famous suicides in the last decade --

Chris Cornell, Chester Bennington, Kate Spade, Anthony Bourdain, Scott Hutchinson, Naomi Judd, et al…

and what of the other mass shooters? I remember the kid who shot up the movie theatre in Colorado was schizophrenic and had stopped taking his meds; same with the kid who shot Gabby Giffords in Arizona. Elliot Rodger took medication for awhile but stopped. So what meds was Nikolas Cruz taking; what about Ramos? What about the guy who shot up the concert in Vegas? How about the guy who shot up PULSE nightclub? I have questions!!!!!!!!! [exclamation point]

And I have questions about the people in my life —

my uncle Brett who committed suicide during the time I was separated from my family? He had Parkinson’s for several years and was on different medications — did they play a role in his “decision”?

My friend James who committed suicide in 2010? My step-cousin Diana who killed herself in 2013? My friend Jenna who killed herself in 2016?

I worry about our veterans, so many of whom are on these medications for their post war ailments. Are these meds only compounding problems that are unbearable to begin with?

In the next installment of the Akathisia Series I will share some of the more esoteric, conspiratorial things I’ve found about akathisia. And I will also share some links to interesting akathisia stories. You read them yourselves, and decide what you think about what I’ve written here today.

Your Rx and Their Special Side-F/X

 FRIENDS & HURRICANE SURVIVORS,

You are alive and that’s all that matters. Alive to read this important thinkpiece about why everyone is dying of akathisia! (and not hurricanes)

I’ve made some bold claims on this internet lately. Robin Williams died from akathisia. David Foster Wallace died from akathisia. Adam Lanza & all his victims — they too died from akathisia.

But didn’t they all die from horrific automatic rifle assault? Well…yeah, that’s what it says on their death certificates. But I boldly claim & guarantee that if Adam Lanza hadn’t been experiencing akathisia, the massacre of 12-14-12 would not have happened when it did, how it did. 

This is a well-kept secret that Big Pharma and big medicine do not want the general public to know. 

2012 prophetic rx art

I have a lot to say about this topic after surviving akathisia in early ’21. When I say it is the most horrific thing I’ve ever experienced, with the exception of alcohol withdrawls, I am not lying. I’ve been alive a long time & have had injuries, surgeries, illnesses and other indignities that I would much rather re-live than akathisia. And to be fair, alcohol withdrawals only last 3 or 4 days…

So…this may be a 3 or 4 part thinkpiece. Have your attention spans handy like you did for the Detransitioners Series. It should be interesting & informative even if you’ve never had akathisia.

I just have to figure out where to start…with all my bold claims surrounding the high profile deaths mentioned above? With all the lesser known deaths this horrific side-effect has caused in our country and around the world? With some mindblowing secrets about how these drugs & their side effects have been used on the battlefield? 

I mentioned that I also had akathisia in 2014. This is a whole ‘nother can of worms to open, because I did not get akathisia from a pharmaceutical medication. I will tell you how I got it, and nobody will like it, but it needs to be said.

I think I’ll just start by lightly reiterating some akathisia information. This is a terrible side-effect that mostly occurs with anti-depressant and anti-psychotic medications, but can be caused by ANY medication. Anti-nauseants, anti-biotics, recreational drugs. The only drugs that miraculously seem clear of causing akathisia are opioids (heroin) and alcohol.

When you take the offending medication, akathisia usually occurs as the chemicals go into their half life. So usually you’re fine right after you take your meds, but about halfway between doses you start feeling horrific.

Art I did on 2/6/21. I remember that being a very difficult day.

For me it would start with a burning spine. My back would burn, then tingle, then all the bugs would come crawling out. I had to rock back & forth, rub my legs, roll around on the bed to stop the bug-sensations. I felt like tears were about to come crashing out of my skull but they wouldn’t. I would hold onto my bedroom door so I wouldn’t fall down crying. I remember begging the angels to pass a suicide vest down from the clouds so I could blow myself up. 

These were my 2021 symptoms. My 2014 symptoms were slightly different, but totally recognizable as akathisia. In fact, when I started feeling awful in 2020, I called it 2014 Syndrome, because I never found out what it was that happened to me back then until it happened again.

Anyway…the romance language they use in the TV commercials to describe the symptoms of akathisia really offends me! I never would’ve identified what was happening to me as “Restless Leg Syndrome” or “suicide ideation”.

To me restless legs is something that happens when you’re kind of tired & need to lay down. Suicide ideation sounds like you’re sitting there sadly taking inventory of your life, and deciding to end it.

There is no sitting with akathisia. No thinking straight or deciding anything. There is the terrifying feeling of losing one’s mind. And my request for a suicide vest should give a clue as to how urgent and violent the desire to end one’s life becomes. [it can also be a clue as to how these drugs are used in the most nefarious scenarios]

Someone else's akathisa art which is eerily similar to mine! Unfortunately I don't know the artist's name. It is from an article or blog called "Mad in America".

I guess the most alarming thing I’ve discovered about akathisia so far is what a race against the clock it is! I’m basing this estimate on what I’ve found reported on the internet by families who have lost a loved one — but from the onset of akathisia, the time of death is usually 6 — 8 weeks.

6 — 8 weeks of akathisia is about all anyone can take. I lasted for 12 weeks before I got the right help. Could I have made it another week? I honestly don’t know. I can tell you I wouldn’t have made it all the way through March of 2021. Guaranteed. I would’ve found a way to end it.

And some kids (the ones at most risk are younger people) kill themselves right away. One girl jumped off a roof after 2 weeks. People with illnesses like schizophrenia or bi-polar have chronic akathisia from their medications. They have to constantly keep adjusting their doses & medicines to keep it from getting too bad. And unfortunately for me, akathisia can cause permanent damage to your dainty little dopamine pincers. If you’ve had it before, you’re likely to get it again.

What causes akathisia is a flooding of the dopamine centers of your brain. Your dopamine receptors get clogged & can’t move the chemicals around freely. Basically, you have dopamine clots in your brain. And that’s just about as bad as having blood clots in your heart. Accompanying this is often a depletion of serotonin, causing indescribable sorrow to go along with all the creepy-crawly sensations.

2014 akathisia art. I had just finished drawing this when I heard of RW's death. Note the Hanged Man from the Tarot in the lower left corner.

When the news of Robin Williams’ death broke on Aug 11, 2014 I was sizzling with akathisia. I didn’t have a clue what it was, but I knew that I was on the verge of suicide myself.

My akathisia had been building slowly all summer long, and by August I was in a desperate place…

And I think that is a good place to start this Series — with my earliest experience with the horror that is akathisia. I’ll stop here for now… your attention spaniels have been good little puppers today.

I will let you know that I successfully tapered off my medications — Seroquel and Cymbalta — this summer. These drugs are both on record as causing akathisia if you are on them for too long. I was feeling very happy & strong in June & decided it was a good time to do the dreaded taper.

Tapering off Seroquel was easy. I didn’t notice any side effects. Tapering off the SSRI (Cymbalta) was a whole ‘nother story. It was rough. For the last 10 days in August I experienced “brain shivers”, which are exactly what they sound like. If I had to work outside the house or drive anywhere, it wouldn’t have been possible. This is why people stay on these drugs for too long, far after they’ve re-couped their serotonin/dopamine levels. It is hard to get off of them!

I’m doing much better now. I have the occasional “brain shiver” but it doesn’t seem to be interfering with daily life anymore. I am VERY scatterbrained & low on concentration powers. Writing is near impossible — all manuscripts are on hold for the moment. But I can do art. And I have the energy for music now that I’m not sedated!

The latest drug to be heavily linked to akathisia is Rexulti. I hope none of y’all on that one!!!

So…next time…I’ll tell you all about how I survived akathisia (for about a YEAR!!!) before anyone knew what the fuck it was! PLUS lots more exciting cutting-edge info that will blow your pea-sized pituitary glanses! Stay tuned, don’t drop out! Of The Octopus Diary, a safety net for subversive thinkers like yourself.

The o'BLIGatory New Year BLOG

FRIENDS;

We’ve made the vertiginous leap from 2018 to 2019 & I hope all of you survived.

For the past few years I’ve had this thing I call New Yearitis. I think it started in ’14 when I had a bad break-up w/ a best friend who had been toxic for many years. It was a rough start to the year & ’14 felt wrong right away. Since then the first few days of any year, I am in this odd fluctuating state — literally my body feels like a lava lamp or a rocking boat — and it’s an intense joy & a horrid anguish that rise & dip over & over. Barely anything in between.

And the weirdest thing is, I often find myself asking — Wait, is that the joy? Or the anguish?  It’s really hard to tell them apart.

These sensations were particularly intense & long lasting in ’17 & ’18. In 2017 I felt seasick until Jan 20, whereupon I returned to feeling angrier than I ever had. So I’m happy to report that 2019 has begun on placid waters. I feel more like an ice rink than a lava lamp. Better than I’ve felt for the past 5 new years. I won’t make any grand pronouncements about the meaning of that, but yes… I do feel like I’ve passed (or just barely squeaked by) some huge karmic BARDO EXAM. 

Someday I may write about the whole ordeal — it was quite a JOURNEY (w/ more turbulence than bubble baths). But NOW….

…. I want to write about 2018. And 2019.

         **********It Was All About Vogon Poetry & The Exegesis *************

I think the hardest part about the last 2 years was trying to figure out who I was in a world that no longer made sense to me. And having the painful awareness that I DO NOT MAKE SENSE to THE WORLD (aka Peoria, aka middle america, aka rural america, aka heteronormative america, aka family values america). The empathic knowledge that I make those people as uncomfortable as they make me. Actually feeling their pain!

Ouch.

I did a lot of processing through writing & art throughout 17 & 18. And it payed off because I think what I (re)gained in ’18 was just a clarity & understanding I had really lost. It’s difficult & depressing to go through your days by the light of a crescent moon. I feel like someone built a window in my little outhouse of a skull. 

[And it was me—I built the window! With art & words. That’s kind of the magic of being a human.]

Another thing that really gave me comfort & magnified clarity was reading The Exegesis of Philip K Dick. I will call it the prescient text which has helped define this 5-year period of spiritual darkness I just passed through.

I’m actually still reading The Exegesis & can’t wait to blog about it at length once I’m finished. Not since A People’s History of the United States has it taken me this long to read a book. It’s just not possible to go any faster. I read one paragraph and have to mull it for days. And I’ve also been reading all of your chapbooks in between, so thank you for the glut of humor & feels to reflect on whilst exegeting.

I gave you lots of Vogon poetry this year! I submitted nothing & wrote only for the pleasure of writing & figuring shit out. In my own words. In my own style—which is way out of step w/ ‘real poetry’, which I was sad about for much of the year, but about which i am no longer sad AT ALL.

Vogon poetry is basically automatic writing, or stream-of-consciousness, unedited, flowing, without concern for publication or universal themes. In the past, this form of automatic writing has proved to be prophetic on some level. Often on a global level. It may take till mid-’19 to find out if any of the ’18 Vogons are prophetic but I’ll let you know.

Most of 2018s Vogon poems seemed to be in direct correlation to what I was about to read in The Exegesis. Almost like I was in contact w/ PKD himself! But I won’t make that claim or my credibility will be on the line w/ Peoria & beyond.

Speaking of such squeamish things: Tarot. I forget exactly when I began offering free readings so that I may improve my mysticking, but I think it was 10-27-17. I have done several readings since then, but still not enough for me to feel comfortable charging money for it. So I will continue to offer free readings until I know it’s time to say Pay up, bitches.

[My dominant cards for 2018 were definitely the Knight(King) & Ace of Swords. Barely any reading w/out those two!]

And then there was The Octopus Review! I can’t tell you how this little spontaneous combustion of a zine practically saved my life in ’17 and just made me happy & proud in 2018.  I would love to do more this year and I will be asking for submissions again soon. And folks, there is nothing more Xmasy for me than an inbox full of submissions, no matter what time of year it is. So thank you to everyone who has been a part of it! I hope the tiny press still thrives in 2019.

A lot of great stuff did happen in 2018. We got the cutest bunny in the world, no lie. The cutest. And meanest : )) We did a lot of stylish mutations to our house. We inherited a future business. I pass way better than I did in ’17, and also unlike ’17 I haven’t battled waves of suicidability all year. 

But there was

        *****************************TURBULENCE************************

A lot of weird shit happened this summer & I blame it on all those planets that went rogue for several weeks. It felt like i relived lots & lots of different chapters of my life in rapid succession & nearly melted down. Or more accurately did melt down for a while. Hulk rage, T rage. 

When I had my T levels checked in Sept, they were in the 1500s (like, higher than Aquaman!) So I’m still having trouble regulating/metabolizing the hormones. And it got the best of me for a few months. 

One thing I realized during the T rage was that I would need better, more permanent ways of managing it if it were to become a recurring thing. And I decided I needed to start singing again, 

A) to once & for all find my new vocal range and 

B) because singing always made me feel better…

…it hit me that I hadn’t sung at all since before 2014. I sang a lot in 2013. And then something happened. And I could no longer sing. I could just run & run & run & cry & cry & cry. I sang to my cat a few times in 2015 when I was entertaining the idea of doing a trans-themed podcast, but it wasn’t, like, serious singing. And then I decided to take hormones & my voice changed a little bit—not enough to sound masculine—but enough to ruin my female vocal range. And I just thought…

   …. do I really need to sing? Am I ever going to need a voice again? 

I must’ve decided ’no’ because I stopped singing altogether sometime in 2016. But this summer I revved up the old, creaky, cranky vocal cords & there they were. It took a few weeks, but I found a new range. I can sing a lot louder now… and it has helped me feel        alive. (that sounds dumber than balls, but it’s true as piss flaps)

Another thing that happened this summer was that on the day Anthony Bourdain died, I had a garage sale (you remember!) And as I was closing up shop, a truck stopped in front of my house & Anthony Bourdain got out & told me he was going to be my neighbor.

Of course, it wasn’t really Anthony Bourdain but it did look like him & I had a moment of spiritual dissonance. And if you know me, then you know I have post traumatic neighbor disorder (PTND) from someone I lived next to in another life. So when ghostie sidled up & said he was about to go to town building a huge mcMansion next to my humble blue beehive, my buzzing T rage was compounded by stinging anxiety — 

Who was this person moving into my tranquility zone?

When exactly would it happen?

How loud or disruptive would it be & could I handle it?

So far he seems decent. He did not seem decent on the day I met him, which was scary. (You may have read my Vogon poem about him in December’s dossier.) He started construction—very loudly— right after Thanksgiving & I was ready.

It hasn’t been the horrifying experience I expected & I’m so relieved. 

One thing that was good about the extreme T rage was I got a lot done. Not just the usual artsy stuff, but the “heavy lifting” I might not have been able to do if I was all calm & happy.

              ******** HI DEFINITION NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS********

Oh golly. I’ve rambled. You’re sleeping. Well, WAKE UP! I have to tell you what my New Year resolutions are —

          …………………………………………………………………………………………….

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………

……………………………………………………………………………………….errrrr, I resolve to be less of a thinking person & more of a FEELING person this year…………………………………I resolve to reconcile my public & private selves………………………………….I resolve to keep working on VOICE, whether musical or poetic……………I resolve to sleep………………………..

[SLEEP is my new drug of choice. I’ve been a professional insomniac since 2nd grade, so imagine my pleasant surprise at my fondness for sleep lately. I look at my bed & see a pina colada. Or a big syringe full of sugar crystals. Or any other addictive substance. Mmmm, mattress fluff.]

I resolve to enjoy social media for one more year. Have I ever told you all what a magical invention social networking was in my life?? Do you all know how many times in my sorry pre-digital days I longed for contact with friends from the past? Oh why can’t I talk to so & so again? And I would tell myself  You’ll never see so & so again. You’ll have to find new people or just learn to comfort, delight & entertain yourself. 

But I did see “so & so” again! Every so & so I ever knew! And I’ve met so many other so & sos since then. It has been really wonderful. 

But I am pretty old now & I’m a little bit tired of being in constant contact w/ so many people. Much as I love it, much as it has contributed to our evolution, I feel it has overall been damaging to my mental health. And yours too. But you’ll have to decide on your own when to ditch it. I resolve to enjoy the fuck out of being so connected to everyone in 2019, and to de-connect in 2020.

I also resolve to post my Favorite Music of 2018 in a list format by next week. I will also be posting Octopus Review submission guidelines soon.  Okay,

HAPPY NEW YEAR FRIENDS, whatever that means for you!!

Confessions Of A Tree Falling In A Forest

FRIENDINISTAS,

The other day I bought some plants for the yard. I know, that’s so unlike me. My relationship to any living things that aren’t cats is pretty questionable. [ask me about bamboo & pumpkins. No, don’t]

But we’re trying to create a lush green wall between us & the neighbors—just for our own privacy & comfort—no problems w/ the neighbors in this ‘hood.

So I scouted out a nice spot for the new plants—a sun dappled area between two large pines. I stood there a moment, picturing the potential lushness & fertility.  Moonchild joined me & we remarked what a nice part of the yard it was, how we should bring our chairs over & spend more time there.

Then we went inside because it was noon & too hot to start digging & planting. I planned to return later in the afternoon. So we did our indoor stuff for a few hours, which included binge-watching Kimmy Schmidt Season 3. We started an episode around 5 o’clock & after that one I was going to head out to the yard.

Well…about halfway through the episode we heard a loud boom. Moonchild asked Was that thunder?? And if I hadn’t caught sight of a shadowy figure that looked like one of Danaerys’s dragons flying through the yard I would’ve said Yeah, that was thunder.

Instead I ran to the window to see what the flying shadow was. And there, right where we’d been standing earlier, was a big chunky limb that had fallen from one of the pine trees. 15 minutes before I was scheduled to be standing there again. It was big enough to do some serious skull, neck, or shoulder damage. Possibly a fatal blow.

As we stood there in shock & puzzlement, I had three rapid-fire thoughts:

A) wow, our guardian angels are hard at work today

B) wow, what vengeful deity is out to get us??

and finally my inner Zen master came through with C) wow, timing may not be everything but it sure is something

********************

Friends, I promised I was going to start a summer blog series called Adventures In Spirituality. And I am going to do that. I’m looking forward to doing it actually. I’ve been very busy, and…I must admit…

….I’m falling into a GREAT DEPRESSION again. I’m not (too) ashamed that I struggle with depression. I know a lot of people do. But I don’t like to go on & on about it in my sacred blog space which I reserve for fun stuff like stream-of-conscious poetry.

When I went through this in 2014, I only told a few close friends & didn’t write much about it. But I’m seeing lots of folks going through some size or shape of depression these days—and surprisingly, it’s mostly GUYS who are talking about it. So it feels kind of gender appropriate for me to join in.

Usually when I’m feeling depressed I stay busier than usual & refrain from bothering people; I do art therapy, I write, sing, read awesome books; I talk to Moonchild until he reminds me I’m not any worse at being human than anyone else. I seek professional help if needed.

I’ve already done all of those things ^^^^ this year and I keep spiraling down. Being “busy” doesn’t really cure depression—it often adds stress & anxiety to the equation. Or it holds it at bay until you’re un-busy again. But it’s impossible to sit still when you are deep in the shit, as I seem to be now.

The thing I didn’t get until recently is: if you struggled with depression in your youth it doesn’t necessarily get better with time, it usually gets worse. The more you know about the world, the harder it is to distract yourself. The more medications you’ve tried, the harder it is to find ones that work. All medications lose their effectiveness over time.

And some even leave you feeling worse over time. That’s why I tried so hard, for so long to manage without medication. But I caved in 2014 & latched onto the big pharma-tit…It was a necessary evil at the time. I felt relief from the indescribable anguish that was plaguing me, but I also felt exploited, gauged, monitored & profiled by the corporate health care beast.

[Oh, did I tell you I lost insurance coverage last week? They (United) decided my “condition” didn’t meet the standards of approval for coverage of the medication I’m using to treat it. I suppose this will be happening to many of us. It feels very violating to be reviewed as unfit for coverage.] 

I miss the days when the liquor store was my pharmacy.

The death of Chris Cornell really hit me hard. I’ve read a lot about his struggle in the week since he passed & I marvel at what a valiant fighter he was. Especially in light of the nihilistic movement he was part of. He was the one I’d assumed had found that magic combination of strength / love / creative talent / medicine / realistic expectations.

But even with that auspicious alignment of elements, depression can kick you right into the abyss.

Suicide has been a big presence in my life lately. Last summer a friend committed suicide & it left me questioning everything I’d assumed about “pushing through it” or “staying busy” or “not bothering people with your personal shit.” Because if anyone was able to push through & stay busy & not burden others it was her. 

Until she couldn’t do it anymore.

Then I read the Tiptree biography and found yet another literary hero who ended his(her) own life. So many, many literary heroes end their own lives. I used to take comfort in knowing this author or that one had been as depressed as me—that I at least was in good company. Now it scares me, and makes them much more human to me (though no less heroic).  

The show 13 Reasons Why slunk its cold tentacles around my heart in April.

And this week Cornell’s passing has me just … just….what? Asking for strength? Striving for clarity? Willing myself not to do the same thing to my own loved ones?

It’s a precarious time for me to be delving into Spirituality because I feel vulnerable to the temptation of Big Answers. I sometimes yearn for Bigger Answers than I’ve already received on this plane, but I’ve also come to terms with knowing that I’m not supposed to know everything. 

[Like why did a tree limb narrowly miss falling on my head the other day??]

I also know it’s risky to talk (write) about “religion & politics.” And for good reason—peoples’ religious & political beliefs tend to define the core of their beings. So I will try to tread carefully & not use my dickish Blog Emperor voice when relaying my personal stories.

So get ready! Next time in The Octopus Diary—Adventures in Spirituality: Xtianity Part One! 

I’lll also keep you updated on the “medical situation” if I can bear to write about it.

I’m also still accepting submissions of personal, political, heartfelt, newsworthy, ranting & surreally raving poetry.

Also….if you are not a Friendinista, you are not required to read this. You CAN look away.  

13 Reasons Why The Octopus Diary Will Be Taking Submissions

FREDS,

After learning from a friend about its evocative 80s soundtrack, I went ahead and watched a show called ’13 Reasons Why’ (out on Netflix now). The show is set in the present & I couldn’t wait to see what kind of drama would play out to the very songs that accompanied me through my own troubled youth.

I had no idea what I was getting into. The show was captivating right from the start—all character driven & narrated (on cassette tape!) by a girl who had recently killed herself. As compelling as it was, I kept expecting this all-too-human storyline to morph into something with vampires or zombies or cannibals or some idiotic supernatural (angels? fairies, maybe?) premise which would ruin the believable intensity. I absolutely hate the vampirization/zombification/superheroicazation of every fucking thing these days.

But this story did not turn into vampires & zombies, oh my.

It stuck to being uncomfortably human to the point where I was thinking—Okay, they can bring in the angels any time.

*******WHY THE SHOW WAS EFFECTIVE******

The show was effective for several reasons. The writing was honest. It wasn’t trying to impress by being too clipped & cool & “whatevs.” A lot of things written for the young adult gaze are just so, you know, Tumblr-y. Social networking was hinted at here, but it was a background character, lurking ominously behind real life. As it should in the televisionary medium.

It didn’t underestimate the intelligence of young people, or diminish the complexity of their emotions. Or gloss over what it’s really like to interact w/ the vampiric hormones & uncooked frontal lobes that swarm through high school hallways.

The haunting quality of the dead girl’s voice-over really gets under your skin, into your psyche, no matter what your age, gender, or level of disenchantment with the world. It’s one of those shows that makes you feel rather than think. Which is unusual these days.

Not too long ago, I wrote extensively about my formative years right here in this Octopus Diary. When I did, I was writing from a safe distance, a detached narration, here’s what happened to me…blah, blah, blah…I didn’t let myself get too involved in my own feelings about what had happened, I was just telling it, to myself and to you, my witnesses.

But this show, with its brutal, accusatory narration, really transported me back to my Senior year in high school in a way that writing about it did not.

[Brief recap: my senior year was riddled with very adult situations that were way out of my league. I found myself in a very controlling, abusive relationship that I couldn’t get myself out of, and I didn’t know how to ask for help. I was hit, punched, burned w/ cigarettes, stabbed with scissors, drugged (not with roofies, but LSD), sexually assaulted, and finally held at gunpoint for hours when I tried to break up with this troubled boy; this boy I had wanted to be an ally to, this boy I had wanted to help, this boy I had looked up to.

My reputation was slandered, my social skills suffered, I was basically traumatized for years afterward, and became “that weird person no one likes”  (and I sometimes still slip into that role, even now.)]

Watching this show brought the devastation of all that back to me on a visceral level. Watching other kids go through a modern day version of that was actually re-traumatizing. I mean, I laugh at trigger warnings, because, really? But I could’ve used a trigger warning before this show!

So this is not something to just let your teens or young adults look at without discussion. And for my friends with kids that age, just know that this stuff happens, can happen right under your nose without you having a clue. My parents had no idea that many of my injuries & problems were stemming from a mad, crazy relationship just like the kids in this show carried on & tried to handle their own drama without seeking adult intervention.

Until it was too late.

*******WHY THE SHOW WAS PROBLEMATIC*********

Okay, so it was well-written, haunting, honest and realistic on one level, but I could hear all you social justice warriors in my head too.

This show probably wouldn’t have worked so effectively if the narrator had not been a beautiful white girl.

There were plenty of other characters getting “beat up” by life, and by each other. One girl, of mixed race, was raped while she was passed out at a party. 

One girl, black, gets into serious legal trouble when she runs over a stop sign after a night of partying, and another student is killed as a result. 

Another girl, Asian, was outed as a lesbian after the white girl’s stalker caught them kissing experimentally with his intrusive camera—

—why do movies & shows always need cameras & peeping Toms to give us that 3rd party angle?—

Any of those scenarios would be enough to make one suicidal, but would we care as much if our protagonist were black or Asian or Muslim or a transgirl? Why not?

And let’s not forget the boys here—the boys were being bullied & physically beat up, fighting each other, bleeding from their faces at a much higher rate, but hey, they’re boys and they can handle it, right? That’s just what boys do, right?

The boyfriend of the passed-out drunk girl was bullied and pushed to the floor by his big rich jock friend, who said “what’s mine is yours” as he proceeded to rape her. The smaller boy looked distraught that he could not protect her, or stop his friend’s selfish, criminal actions.

Another boy, a close friend of the dead narrator’s, ends up taking his own life a few weeks after she does. I think this was meant to show that ‘suicide begets suicide.’ That kids will follow one another to the grave if the grief is too much to bear. Which is true. But his death was glossed over compared to all the fanfare given the beautiful girl no one suspected was suffering.

Not to mention the boy who died in the car accident after the STOP sign was knocked over! He was just brushed under the rug like a one-dimensional prop. He was not a main character, but his death seemed to have such little impact on the school, and on the story itself. So wrong.

I had mixed feelings about the indicting tone on those cassette tapes too. First I was like—Yeah! You tell’em, girl!  But then as I saw how much shit was going on in everyone else’s life I just thought…

… damn girl, you’re just not …a survivor. You’re one of the ones who didn’t make it.

Okay…I think that’s all I will say about ’13 Reasons Why.’  I’m still a little disconcerted & it’s been over a week since I watched it. I will repeat this though—parents of teens, please know that all this can go on without a lot of obvious signs. Dig deep, keep your eyes wide, don’t be in denial & think ‘It can’t happen to my kid because s/he is a good student, or I raised him/her better than that.’ Kids are kids are humans are capable of just about anything…

*********13 Reasons Why The Octopus Diary Will Be Taking Submissions************

1. Because it’s the dawning of the Age of Aquarium

2.  Because Russia is waiting

3. Because the sky could turn orange any day

4. Because your brain is a microwave (it is—look into it)

5. Because words speak louder than actions

6. Because all tired old platitudes must be rewritten

7. Because I need the experience

8. Because you need the experience

9. Because 9 tentacles are not better than 8

10. Because this is the place to be seen & heard (scene & herd)

11. Because it’s for a good cause—Polycythemia Awareness & Prevention

12. Because all proceeds go to post nuclear clean-up and dandelion farming

13. Because I need you to be creative while I go through an Era of Seriousness

TaTa for now. I’ll have submission guidelines and new art—actually new versions of Tiptree art—for you next time. Be well, Fred.