FRIENDS;
We’ve made the vertiginous leap from 2018 to 2019 & I hope all of you survived.
For the past few years I’ve had this thing I call New Yearitis. I think it started in ’14 when I had a bad break-up w/ a best friend who had been toxic for many years. It was a rough start to the year & ’14 felt wrong right away. Since then the first few days of any year, I am in this odd fluctuating state — literally my body feels like a lava lamp or a rocking boat — and it’s an intense joy & a horrid anguish that rise & dip over & over. Barely anything in between.
And the weirdest thing is, I often find myself asking — Wait, is that the joy? Or the anguish? It’s really hard to tell them apart.
These sensations were particularly intense & long lasting in ’17 & ’18. In 2017 I felt seasick until Jan 20, whereupon I returned to feeling angrier than I ever had. So I’m happy to report that 2019 has begun on placid waters. I feel more like an ice rink than a lava lamp. Better than I’ve felt for the past 5 new years. I won’t make any grand pronouncements about the meaning of that, but yes… I do feel like I’ve passed (or just barely squeaked by) some huge karmic BARDO EXAM.
Someday I may write about the whole ordeal — it was quite a JOURNEY (w/ more turbulence than bubble baths). But NOW….
…. I want to write about 2018. And 2019.
**********It Was All About Vogon Poetry & The Exegesis *************
I think the hardest part about the last 2 years was trying to figure out who I was in a world that no longer made sense to me. And having the painful awareness that I DO NOT MAKE SENSE to THE WORLD (aka Peoria, aka middle america, aka rural america, aka heteronormative america, aka family values america). The empathic knowledge that I make those people as uncomfortable as they make me. Actually feeling their pain!
Ouch.
I did a lot of processing through writing & art throughout 17 & 18. And it payed off because I think what I (re)gained in ’18 was just a clarity & understanding I had really lost. It’s difficult & depressing to go through your days by the light of a crescent moon. I feel like someone built a window in my little outhouse of a skull.
[And it was me—I built the window! With art & words. That’s kind of the magic of being a human.]
Another thing that really gave me comfort & magnified clarity was reading The Exegesis of Philip K Dick. I will call it the prescient text which has helped define this 5-year period of spiritual darkness I just passed through.
I’m actually still reading The Exegesis & can’t wait to blog about it at length once I’m finished. Not since A People’s History of the United States has it taken me this long to read a book. It’s just not possible to go any faster. I read one paragraph and have to mull it for days. And I’ve also been reading all of your chapbooks in between, so thank you for the glut of humor & feels to reflect on whilst exegeting.
I gave you lots of Vogon poetry this year! I submitted nothing & wrote only for the pleasure of writing & figuring shit out. In my own words. In my own style—which is way out of step w/ ‘real poetry’, which I was sad about for much of the year, but about which i am no longer sad AT ALL.
Vogon poetry is basically automatic writing, or stream-of-consciousness, unedited, flowing, without concern for publication or universal themes. In the past, this form of automatic writing has proved to be prophetic on some level. Often on a global level. It may take till mid-’19 to find out if any of the ’18 Vogons are prophetic but I’ll let you know.
Most of 2018s Vogon poems seemed to be in direct correlation to what I was about to read in The Exegesis. Almost like I was in contact w/ PKD himself! But I won’t make that claim or my credibility will be on the line w/ Peoria & beyond.
Speaking of such squeamish things: Tarot. I forget exactly when I began offering free readings so that I may improve my mysticking, but I think it was 10-27-17. I have done several readings since then, but still not enough for me to feel comfortable charging money for it. So I will continue to offer free readings until I know it’s time to say Pay up, bitches.
[My dominant cards for 2018 were definitely the Knight(King) & Ace of Swords. Barely any reading w/out those two!]
And then there was The Octopus Review! I can’t tell you how this little spontaneous combustion of a zine practically saved my life in ’17 and just made me happy & proud in 2018. I would love to do more this year and I will be asking for submissions again soon. And folks, there is nothing more Xmasy for me than an inbox full of submissions, no matter what time of year it is. So thank you to everyone who has been a part of it! I hope the tiny press still thrives in 2019.
A lot of great stuff did happen in 2018. We got the cutest bunny in the world, no lie. The cutest. And meanest : )) We did a lot of stylish mutations to our house. We inherited a future business. I pass way better than I did in ’17, and also unlike ’17 I haven’t battled waves of suicidability all year.
But there was
*****************************TURBULENCE************************
A lot of weird shit happened this summer & I blame it on all those planets that went rogue for several weeks. It felt like i relived lots & lots of different chapters of my life in rapid succession & nearly melted down. Or more accurately did melt down for a while. Hulk rage, T rage.
When I had my T levels checked in Sept, they were in the 1500s (like, higher than Aquaman!) So I’m still having trouble regulating/metabolizing the hormones. And it got the best of me for a few months.
One thing I realized during the T rage was that I would need better, more permanent ways of managing it if it were to become a recurring thing. And I decided I needed to start singing again,
A) to once & for all find my new vocal range and
B) because singing always made me feel better…
…it hit me that I hadn’t sung at all since before 2014. I sang a lot in 2013. And then something happened. And I could no longer sing. I could just run & run & run & cry & cry & cry. I sang to my cat a few times in 2015 when I was entertaining the idea of doing a trans-themed podcast, but it wasn’t, like, serious singing. And then I decided to take hormones & my voice changed a little bit—not enough to sound masculine—but enough to ruin my female vocal range. And I just thought…
…. do I really need to sing? Am I ever going to need a voice again?
I must’ve decided ’no’ because I stopped singing altogether sometime in 2016. But this summer I revved up the old, creaky, cranky vocal cords & there they were. It took a few weeks, but I found a new range. I can sing a lot louder now… and it has helped me feel alive. (that sounds dumber than balls, but it’s true as piss flaps)
Another thing that happened this summer was that on the day Anthony Bourdain died, I had a garage sale (you remember!) And as I was closing up shop, a truck stopped in front of my house & Anthony Bourdain got out & told me he was going to be my neighbor.
Of course, it wasn’t really Anthony Bourdain but it did look like him & I had a moment of spiritual dissonance. And if you know me, then you know I have post traumatic neighbor disorder (PTND) from someone I lived next to in another life. So when ghostie sidled up & said he was about to go to town building a huge mcMansion next to my humble blue beehive, my buzzing T rage was compounded by stinging anxiety —
Who was this person moving into my tranquility zone?
When exactly would it happen?
How loud or disruptive would it be & could I handle it?
So far he seems decent. He did not seem decent on the day I met him, which was scary. (You may have read my Vogon poem about him in December’s dossier.) He started construction—very loudly— right after Thanksgiving & I was ready.
It hasn’t been the horrifying experience I expected & I’m so relieved.
One thing that was good about the extreme T rage was I got a lot done. Not just the usual artsy stuff, but the “heavy lifting” I might not have been able to do if I was all calm & happy.
******** HI DEFINITION NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS********
Oh golly. I’ve rambled. You’re sleeping. Well, WAKE UP! I have to tell you what my New Year resolutions are —
…………………………………………………………………………………………….
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………….errrrr, I resolve to be less of a thinking person & more of a FEELING person this year…………………………………I resolve to reconcile my public & private selves………………………………….I resolve to keep working on VOICE, whether musical or poetic……………I resolve to sleep………………………..
[SLEEP is my new drug of choice. I’ve been a professional insomniac since 2nd grade, so imagine my pleasant surprise at my fondness for sleep lately. I look at my bed & see a pina colada. Or a big syringe full of sugar crystals. Or any other addictive substance. Mmmm, mattress fluff.]
I resolve to enjoy social media for one more year. Have I ever told you all what a magical invention social networking was in my life?? Do you all know how many times in my sorry pre-digital days I longed for contact with friends from the past? Oh why can’t I talk to so & so again? And I would tell myself You’ll never see so & so again. You’ll have to find new people or just learn to comfort, delight & entertain yourself.
But I did see “so & so” again! Every so & so I ever knew! And I’ve met so many other so & sos since then. It has been really wonderful.
But I am pretty old now & I’m a little bit tired of being in constant contact w/ so many people. Much as I love it, much as it has contributed to our evolution, I feel it has overall been damaging to my mental health. And yours too. But you’ll have to decide on your own when to ditch it. I resolve to enjoy the fuck out of being so connected to everyone in 2019, and to de-connect in 2020.
I also resolve to post my Favorite Music of 2018 in a list format by next week. I will also be posting Octopus Review submission guidelines soon. Okay,
HAPPY NEW YEAR FRIENDS, whatever that means for you!!
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