Your Rx and Their Special Side-F/X

 FRIENDS & HURRICANE SURVIVORS,

You are alive and that’s all that matters. Alive to read this important thinkpiece about why everyone is dying of akathisia! (and not hurricanes)

I’ve made some bold claims on this internet lately. Robin Williams died from akathisia. David Foster Wallace died from akathisia. Adam Lanza & all his victims — they too died from akathisia.

But didn’t they all die from horrific automatic rifle assault? Well…yeah, that’s what it says on their death certificates. But I boldly claim & guarantee that if Adam Lanza hadn’t been experiencing akathisia, the massacre of 12-14-12 would not have happened when it did, how it did. 

This is a well-kept secret that Big Pharma and big medicine do not want the general public to know. 

2012 prophetic rx art

I have a lot to say about this topic after surviving akathisia in early ’21. When I say it is the most horrific thing I’ve ever experienced, with the exception of alcohol withdrawls, I am not lying. I’ve been alive a long time & have had injuries, surgeries, illnesses and other indignities that I would much rather re-live than akathisia. And to be fair, alcohol withdrawals only last 3 or 4 days…

So…this may be a 3 or 4 part thinkpiece. Have your attention spans handy like you did for the Detransitioners Series. It should be interesting & informative even if you’ve never had akathisia.

I just have to figure out where to start…with all my bold claims surrounding the high profile deaths mentioned above? With all the lesser known deaths this horrific side-effect has caused in our country and around the world? With some mindblowing secrets about how these drugs & their side effects have been used on the battlefield? 

I mentioned that I also had akathisia in 2014. This is a whole ‘nother can of worms to open, because I did not get akathisia from a pharmaceutical medication. I will tell you how I got it, and nobody will like it, but it needs to be said.

I think I’ll just start by lightly reiterating some akathisia information. This is a terrible side-effect that mostly occurs with anti-depressant and anti-psychotic medications, but can be caused by ANY medication. Anti-nauseants, anti-biotics, recreational drugs. The only drugs that miraculously seem clear of causing akathisia are opioids (heroin) and alcohol.

When you take the offending medication, akathisia usually occurs as the chemicals go into their half life. So usually you’re fine right after you take your meds, but about halfway between doses you start feeling horrific.

Art I did on 2/6/21. I remember that being a very difficult day.

For me it would start with a burning spine. My back would burn, then tingle, then all the bugs would come crawling out. I had to rock back & forth, rub my legs, roll around on the bed to stop the bug-sensations. I felt like tears were about to come crashing out of my skull but they wouldn’t. I would hold onto my bedroom door so I wouldn’t fall down crying. I remember begging the angels to pass a suicide vest down from the clouds so I could blow myself up. 

These were my 2021 symptoms. My 2014 symptoms were slightly different, but totally recognizable as akathisia. In fact, when I started feeling awful in 2020, I called it 2014 Syndrome, because I never found out what it was that happened to me back then until it happened again.

Anyway…the romance language they use in the TV commercials to describe the symptoms of akathisia really offends me! I never would’ve identified what was happening to me as “Restless Leg Syndrome” or “suicide ideation”.

To me restless legs is something that happens when you’re kind of tired & need to lay down. Suicide ideation sounds like you’re sitting there sadly taking inventory of your life, and deciding to end it.

There is no sitting with akathisia. No thinking straight or deciding anything. There is the terrifying feeling of losing one’s mind. And my request for a suicide vest should give a clue as to how urgent and violent the desire to end one’s life becomes. [it can also be a clue as to how these drugs are used in the most nefarious scenarios]

Someone else's akathisa art which is eerily similar to mine! Unfortunately I don't know the artist's name. It is from an article or blog called "Mad in America".

I guess the most alarming thing I’ve discovered about akathisia so far is what a race against the clock it is! I’m basing this estimate on what I’ve found reported on the internet by families who have lost a loved one — but from the onset of akathisia, the time of death is usually 6 — 8 weeks.

6 — 8 weeks of akathisia is about all anyone can take. I lasted for 12 weeks before I got the right help. Could I have made it another week? I honestly don’t know. I can tell you I wouldn’t have made it all the way through March of 2021. Guaranteed. I would’ve found a way to end it.

And some kids (the ones at most risk are younger people) kill themselves right away. One girl jumped off a roof after 2 weeks. People with illnesses like schizophrenia or bi-polar have chronic akathisia from their medications. They have to constantly keep adjusting their doses & medicines to keep it from getting too bad. And unfortunately for me, akathisia can cause permanent damage to your dainty little dopamine pincers. If you’ve had it before, you’re likely to get it again.

What causes akathisia is a flooding of the dopamine centers of your brain. Your dopamine receptors get clogged & can’t move the chemicals around freely. Basically, you have dopamine clots in your brain. And that’s just about as bad as having blood clots in your heart. Accompanying this is often a depletion of serotonin, causing indescribable sorrow to go along with all the creepy-crawly sensations.

2014 akathisia art. I had just finished drawing this when I heard of RW's death. Note the Hanged Man from the Tarot in the lower left corner.

When the news of Robin Williams’ death broke on Aug 11, 2014 I was sizzling with akathisia. I didn’t have a clue what it was, but I knew that I was on the verge of suicide myself.

My akathisia had been building slowly all summer long, and by August I was in a desperate place…

And I think that is a good place to start this Series — with my earliest experience with the horror that is akathisia. I’ll stop here for now… your attention spaniels have been good little puppers today.

I will let you know that I successfully tapered off my medications — Seroquel and Cymbalta — this summer. These drugs are both on record as causing akathisia if you are on them for too long. I was feeling very happy & strong in June & decided it was a good time to do the dreaded taper.

Tapering off Seroquel was easy. I didn’t notice any side effects. Tapering off the SSRI (Cymbalta) was a whole ‘nother story. It was rough. For the last 10 days in August I experienced “brain shivers”, which are exactly what they sound like. If I had to work outside the house or drive anywhere, it wouldn’t have been possible. This is why people stay on these drugs for too long, far after they’ve re-couped their serotonin/dopamine levels. It is hard to get off of them!

I’m doing much better now. I have the occasional “brain shiver” but it doesn’t seem to be interfering with daily life anymore. I am VERY scatterbrained & low on concentration powers. Writing is near impossible — all manuscripts are on hold for the moment. But I can do art. And I have the energy for music now that I’m not sedated!

The latest drug to be heavily linked to akathisia is Rexulti. I hope none of y’all on that one!!!

So…next time…I’ll tell you all about how I survived akathisia (for about a YEAR!!!) before anyone knew what the fuck it was! PLUS lots more exciting cutting-edge info that will blow your pea-sized pituitary glanses! Stay tuned, don’t drop out! Of The Octopus Diary, a safety net for subversive thinkers like yourself.

Confessions Of A Tree Falling In A Forest

FRIENDINISTAS,

The other day I bought some plants for the yard. I know, that’s so unlike me. My relationship to any living things that aren’t cats is pretty questionable. [ask me about bamboo & pumpkins. No, don’t]

But we’re trying to create a lush green wall between us & the neighbors—just for our own privacy & comfort—no problems w/ the neighbors in this ‘hood.

So I scouted out a nice spot for the new plants—a sun dappled area between two large pines. I stood there a moment, picturing the potential lushness & fertility.  Moonchild joined me & we remarked what a nice part of the yard it was, how we should bring our chairs over & spend more time there.

Then we went inside because it was noon & too hot to start digging & planting. I planned to return later in the afternoon. So we did our indoor stuff for a few hours, which included binge-watching Kimmy Schmidt Season 3. We started an episode around 5 o’clock & after that one I was going to head out to the yard.

Well…about halfway through the episode we heard a loud boom. Moonchild asked Was that thunder?? And if I hadn’t caught sight of a shadowy figure that looked like one of Danaerys’s dragons flying through the yard I would’ve said Yeah, that was thunder.

Instead I ran to the window to see what the flying shadow was. And there, right where we’d been standing earlier, was a big chunky limb that had fallen from one of the pine trees. 15 minutes before I was scheduled to be standing there again. It was big enough to do some serious skull, neck, or shoulder damage. Possibly a fatal blow.

As we stood there in shock & puzzlement, I had three rapid-fire thoughts:

A) wow, our guardian angels are hard at work today

B) wow, what vengeful deity is out to get us??

and finally my inner Zen master came through with C) wow, timing may not be everything but it sure is something

********************

Friends, I promised I was going to start a summer blog series called Adventures In Spirituality. And I am going to do that. I’m looking forward to doing it actually. I’ve been very busy, and…I must admit…

….I’m falling into a GREAT DEPRESSION again. I’m not (too) ashamed that I struggle with depression. I know a lot of people do. But I don’t like to go on & on about it in my sacred blog space which I reserve for fun stuff like stream-of-conscious poetry.

When I went through this in 2014, I only told a few close friends & didn’t write much about it. But I’m seeing lots of folks going through some size or shape of depression these days—and surprisingly, it’s mostly GUYS who are talking about it. So it feels kind of gender appropriate for me to join in.

Usually when I’m feeling depressed I stay busier than usual & refrain from bothering people; I do art therapy, I write, sing, read awesome books; I talk to Moonchild until he reminds me I’m not any worse at being human than anyone else. I seek professional help if needed.

I’ve already done all of those things ^^^^ this year and I keep spiraling down. Being “busy” doesn’t really cure depression—it often adds stress & anxiety to the equation. Or it holds it at bay until you’re un-busy again. But it’s impossible to sit still when you are deep in the shit, as I seem to be now.

The thing I didn’t get until recently is: if you struggled with depression in your youth it doesn’t necessarily get better with time, it usually gets worse. The more you know about the world, the harder it is to distract yourself. The more medications you’ve tried, the harder it is to find ones that work. All medications lose their effectiveness over time.

And some even leave you feeling worse over time. That’s why I tried so hard, for so long to manage without medication. But I caved in 2014 & latched onto the big pharma-tit…It was a necessary evil at the time. I felt relief from the indescribable anguish that was plaguing me, but I also felt exploited, gauged, monitored & profiled by the corporate health care beast.

[Oh, did I tell you I lost insurance coverage last week? They (United) decided my “condition” didn’t meet the standards of approval for coverage of the medication I’m using to treat it. I suppose this will be happening to many of us. It feels very violating to be reviewed as unfit for coverage.] 

I miss the days when the liquor store was my pharmacy.

The death of Chris Cornell really hit me hard. I’ve read a lot about his struggle in the week since he passed & I marvel at what a valiant fighter he was. Especially in light of the nihilistic movement he was part of. He was the one I’d assumed had found that magic combination of strength / love / creative talent / medicine / realistic expectations.

But even with that auspicious alignment of elements, depression can kick you right into the abyss.

Suicide has been a big presence in my life lately. Last summer a friend committed suicide & it left me questioning everything I’d assumed about “pushing through it” or “staying busy” or “not bothering people with your personal shit.” Because if anyone was able to push through & stay busy & not burden others it was her. 

Until she couldn’t do it anymore.

Then I read the Tiptree biography and found yet another literary hero who ended his(her) own life. So many, many literary heroes end their own lives. I used to take comfort in knowing this author or that one had been as depressed as me—that I at least was in good company. Now it scares me, and makes them much more human to me (though no less heroic).  

The show 13 Reasons Why slunk its cold tentacles around my heart in April.

And this week Cornell’s passing has me just … just….what? Asking for strength? Striving for clarity? Willing myself not to do the same thing to my own loved ones?

It’s a precarious time for me to be delving into Spirituality because I feel vulnerable to the temptation of Big Answers. I sometimes yearn for Bigger Answers than I’ve already received on this plane, but I’ve also come to terms with knowing that I’m not supposed to know everything. 

[Like why did a tree limb narrowly miss falling on my head the other day??]

I also know it’s risky to talk (write) about “religion & politics.” And for good reason—peoples’ religious & political beliefs tend to define the core of their beings. So I will try to tread carefully & not use my dickish Blog Emperor voice when relaying my personal stories.

So get ready! Next time in The Octopus Diary—Adventures in Spirituality: Xtianity Part One! 

I’lll also keep you updated on the “medical situation” if I can bear to write about it.

I’m also still accepting submissions of personal, political, heartfelt, newsworthy, ranting & surreally raving poetry.

Also….if you are not a Friendinista, you are not required to read this. You CAN look away.