Lost In PuberSpace

Hey Buddies,

Sorry I haven't been the most reliable Octopus Diarist lately. I'll explain why in a moment.

********(a moment passes)*********

I started Testosterone in December and I'm going to tell you all about it.

But one thing I've realized is--I am a horrible disgusting no good writer. I can't convey an honest thought or emotion to save my life. When did this happen? I think it happened when I decided to become a serious writer. When I stopped writing from my intuitive giblet basket & started contriving genetically modified responses to the controlled environment around me.

Also, I think I lost a lot of creative brain matter when I went through that nervous breakdown thing. That thing I've tried to write about, tried to document in words, but failed. Word retrieval is not in my wheelhouse anymore. I cannot adequately describe what happened from mid-2014 to mid-2015--

Was it a nervous breakdown? If it was, it was a really long one. 

Was it Major Depressive Disorder? As severe as that sounds, I think what I went through was more acute and dangerous than that even.

Was it my Chakras suddenly aligning with the new world order? To me, this makes more sense than any medical diagnosis. 

Was it the emotional backlash from solving my mystery? Definitely, but not exclusively.

Was it evolution? Was it peri-menopause? I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS!!!! And I may never find out exactly. And it may happen again. All sanity is temporary after all…

What I do know is: when I realized how serious it was getting I sought help. Not just for the anxiety/depression but for the big "secret" thing that plagued me all my life--

gender dysphoria--

(go ahead & laugh)--

At first I just wanted to meet people who felt like I did--ie, really bad about their gender. 

It was good to know there were other people right in my own area code who knew the struggle.

Between my first transgender meeting in Aug '14 & the second one in Sept was the peak of the nervous breakthing. I got on medication and things improved.

I had no real plans to start hormone therapy. I didn't think Moonchild would be in favor of it. And he wasn't. I didn't think transition would be a real goal for me, but I still wanted to be with people who had their own stories about transitioning.

Once I got on medication, things were mostly okay but I did keep having little relapses. Most notably in Winter & Summer of '15. During the Summer relapse it was Moonchild who asked if I thought testosterone would help the situation.

I said I didn't know but I was willing to try anything. So I inquired of the mental health professionals and they provided the documents I needed to start hormone replacement therapy (HRT).

The only thing was--that was in July and I couldn't get in to the endocrinologist til December. It was a long wait but I had the feeling that this was going to be the answer to my lifelong dilemma.

Aug 2015 Waiting patiently...

So…that beautiful day in December arrived and I was so excited. I was kind of dreading the injection because who likes needles, ya know?

But it was just a little pinprick and was nothing compared to the elation I felt at starting this new adventure.

I noticed changes right away. Mostly that I had more energy & was way more horny. 

I did my next injection on my own with the nurse's supervision. Then I started doing them at home. Definitely getting used to needles. Not just from injections but because you have to have your blood tested often, and if you're lucky like me you'll develop polycythemia and have to donate blood ever so often to get rid of excess red blood cells. Those needles at the blood bank are the killers. Like 12 gauge shotguns shoved into your veins.

Anyway--it's been three months and that's the point where many guys start to see real changes in appearance. And vocal range.

I am seeing some very slight changes. My cheeks, nose & upper lip look bigger. I have some lip fuzz. Definitely a little pitchy in the vocal region. I still sing every day and check my range--I can still hit some pretty high notes but I keep waiting for that to change.

When I was being fueled by Estrogen my main concerns were write/write/write draw/draw/draw sing/sing/sing

On Testosterone my main concerns are skate/skate/skate ????/????/???? sleep/sleep/sleep

[I won't say what ???? is, but I'm sure you can guess…]

My lack of interest in the creative pursuits that sustained me for most of my life is a little worrisome. But I hear it is normal to be consumed by other thoughts--I am literally going through puberty again!

This makes me laugh. I've been in denial about how old I am getting and it finally caught up with me. And what did I do? I went and started adolescence all over. I feel like a kid who has all the knowledge & experience of a grown up. Who doesn't want to feel like that?

There are some scary aspects of transitioning. Not everyone is down with it, and even people who are accepting don't really understand much about it. At this stage of the game most trans people are ambassadors of transness. I feel pressure to be a good representative of what Trans is. That's a tough call-out for an anti-social surrealist like myself.

There is the social policing of the trans experience. Now that Transgender has made its way into mainstream culture there is this big uproar about who's doing it wrong & who's doing it right. What language we can use to talk about it because--hello--if you use the wrong words to describe your own experience you could come across as transphobic or god forbid trigger some yucky sad feelings in the millennial sitting beside you.

But I refuse to use dead phrases like "designated female at birth." That sounds like some kind of technical/clerical error someone made at the hospital the day you were born. It totally discounts the grievous incongruity that follows you around while you live in your "designated" role. The absolute Twilight Zone your life can be when you feel like 'he' and people keep 'she-ing' you. It also removes all blame from God, who is totally to blame. (<

Then there is the bathroom issue. Public restrooms, as you may have noticed, are the battlegrounds on which trans rights revolutions will be fought.

I know that when I tell friends of my transition the first thing they ask after "Are you going to have the surgery?" is----

"Which bathroom do you use?"

And it's funny because---- ----- -----when I presented as female and was so dainty & femme--- I used to use the men's room all the time. It was part of my surrealist charm. 

When I knew I was going to start T, I got nervous using the men's room. Now that everyone knows there are trans people lurking about I'm a little wary of …getting my ass kicked in the bathroom. This is something all trans people worry about, male or female. It is a THING right now, but I hope it stops being a THING and that using a public restroom becomes a less gendered experience in the future.

For now, I try to not have to use the restroom any time I'm out. Since I am not yet passing as male I don't want to attract any unwanted attention. But it's also getting awkward to use the women's room. I'm in that between-phase where it's best to leave your bladder at home (with your American Express card).

And as for that other question "Are you going to have the surgery?" I know that it means "Are you going to have a dick somehow, someday?"

(or if asked of a MTF, are you going to have your dick cut off?)

Basically, it's a dick question disguised as a medical inquiry. I've been trans long enough to know this.

And I know the politically correct answer that I, as a trans ambassador, am supposed to give is--"It's not appropriate to ask about someone's genitals. Would you ask a cis-gender person what's in their underwear?"

But here is my answer (listen closely because I don't want to have to say this ever again):

I do not plan on having "the surgery." There are two surgeries that trans men can get on their lower regions, and the results are much better than they were last decade. As of now I don't plan to have those surgeries. The effects of testosterone on the lower regions are good enough for me. So if you're asking if I have a dick--I'll say "I have two."

Puzzle over that for awhile. But then quit asking me or anyone about their genitals. It really is inappropriate.

Btw, the only surgery I plan to have is top surgery. I'll wait to see how the T redistributes my body mass and for insurance co's to cover it! : )) 

Another strange thing is---I think I have been called "Ma'am" more since I started T than in my whole adult life. It really pisses me off, but it tests my ability to be a patient reasonable ambassador. Seriously though, it's getting to the point where i might get violent.

Feb 2016---3 month on T

Also…pronouns. In a politically correct world, you cis-people are supposed to honor my wish to be called by male pronouns. I do understand how hard this is when I still look like a female pronoun. So you get a grace period from me. I know when I start looking more like 'he' it will be much easier. If you call me 'she' and I have a moustache and talk like Barry White--you're going to look like the weirdo.

All right!! That's my first 3 months on testosterone. I will write more when it's time. I kept trying to put my trans experience down on Tumblr or Twitter but that seems dumb to me now. I'm going to put it in the Octozone. 

Hopefully I'll be back to writing & drawing soon. I'm only writing today because the ice rink is closed. Have patience w/ me.