Full Circle: The Octeaux Twines Around the Tines of a Forklift

HAPPY NEW YEAR FRIENDS:

How are you? I am fine.

Well, I’ve been meaning to stop in here and make some profound statements about how transformed I am by the madness that was 2017. How scared I was at this time last year, and how much stronger I feel now. 

So, YES, I am transformed, but I can’t even begin to put it into words. Yet. (I know—some writer I am). 

When I say I almost did not survive 2017 I’m not exaggerating in the slightest. Someday I may tell that story, but I’m not ready to visit it yet. Let’s just say that nothing went as expected—on both the microscopic & macroscopic levels. The Trump presidency didn’t play out in quite the technicolor splendor I had envisioned, but it was bad enough to ruin each & every day in some fashion. I’ve never called/written more Senators in my life. In the past I’ve voted, protested, spraypainted, boycotted, zined, blogged and otherwise stood up to the Powers in a creative, independent way. But there was no room to be creative or subtle in standing up to the Trump admin’s BS. I’m not one who likes such a direct, pragmatic approach but… I got some practice doing it this year.

The Obligatory Portrait of Alters 2017

As for my own personal goals in ’17? None of them worked out quite the way I envisioned either—

Publishing? After a streak of good luck in ’15-’16 I got zero (0) submissions published in ’17. I had a manuscript shortlisted at two (2) small presses all summer but, days apart in Oct, they both sent rejections. Then all the single submissions I sent out in defiance of that were rejected too. So I spent the whole holiday break revising my idea of what kind of writer I want to be. Do I want to be a famous internet poet? There are already a lot of those (who are admittedly more exciting than me).

I’ve decided I’m going to go back to automatic writing for awhile. I really feel the need for it. I know it’s not a respectable form of WRITING, but it’s what I do. And I’m considering ditching poetry for fiction. And POSSIBLY returning to my old screenplay (which I’ll remind you of later. Though I did just read of an alleged ‘L Word’ reboot in the works. Why all the reboots?)

Anyway, one amazing terrific thing that happened on the publishing front—that I had no idea would happen at the beginning of ’17 —was that The Octopus went indie! I was so inspired by the contemporary poetry scene I found online and wanted to become more a part of it. So I sent out a call for submissions, thinking I would be ignored & overlooked (as usual :)) but NO!! I got so much response from such a great group of people. I was stoked to share the words & images of so many talented people right here in my humble slice of the internet.

You all can look forward to the Winter issue of The Octopus Review coming out any day now—just waiting for those artist submissions to straggle in!

One of the best things that happened in '17? A bunny showed up on our doorstep & lived w/ us for a few days (until s/he went to live w/ our friends who are bunny experts)

Another thing I planned for at the beginning of ’17 was to do a run (either a 1K or 5K) by the end of the year. My mom & I were training in Jan & Feb, then in Mar I broke my foot and couldn’t run for 12 weeks. So that kinda broke my momentum, and I never quite regained it. We’ll see if I ever find it again, but so far I have no plans to do a run this year.

At the start of ’17 I was pretty depressed because I’d been on T(estosterone) for a year and was still not passing AT ALL. In fact I was getting called ‘ma’am’ more than ever (probably because I look really old now). I was seriously doubting my ability, and my very right, to be doing a transition like this. I know that sounds transphobic, but all my doubts & fears are about MY transition, not yours. 

Because I was so discouraged, Moonchild & I decided to do a dining out venture where I could experiment with my appearance & presentation and find out what was working & what wasn’t. I work at home and don’t get out around people much, so I was a bit clueless about how to present “masculinely.”  I spent so much effort “feminizing” myself in my 30s, so it’s kinda like knocking over a jenga tower and rebuilding.

We had a hurricane

When we started our dining adventures, I got ma’amed no matter what I wore or how my hair was styled. It was demoralizing but I knew I needed the honest feedback. About 3 months in, I started getting gendered correctly some of the time (not quite half). It was like that for a few more months, but finally at the end of ’17 I started getting called “him” or “gentleman” or “sir” everywhere I went. I walked into the shoe store the other day & the woman at the counter said “Welcome to Acme Shoes, sir.”  I don’t think it’s my fundamental physical appearance that’s changed so much as I’ve learned how to carry myself & dress more guyishly.

[And just as an aside—why does “ma’am” seem like a veiled insult (no matter your gender identity) while “sir” seems like a title of respect?]

Eloise died...

WHAT ELSE? What else went on in ’17? Oh yeah — Adventures in Ethereality

I had a big crisis of faith this year. That was no secret. I wrote all about it & bored the shit out of you and made you think I was even crazier than I really am.  But the fun thing about spiritual crises is that you grow from them. Like a gorgeous tulip, my spiritual awareness has bloomed again after being dormant for quite awhile.

I always thought of myself as a spiritual person, even when I wasn’t actively pursuing or practicing anything spiritual. I had a wake up call regarding this assumption—beginning with a tree limb that almost fell on my head, and ending with me coming out as a mystic. (are mystics even more hated than trans people? Well, mystics are FEARED, trans people are HATED. Does this mean I’m intersectional now?)

I am still offering FREE TAROT READINGS for this year, or until I feel I am worthy of the going mystic rate. I’ve done exactly one (1) reading since I made that offer and I think it went pretty well. This is another thing I hadn’t planned on for ’17. I had no mystical ambitions in Jan, but I had one of those subconscious breakthroughs with The Cards, where you achieve a next level of understanding through dreaming about something.

So please hit me up if you want a reading. Don’t be AFRAID. I know I said in my last blog that I may be able to do this over the technology (Skype, phone) but I really prefer to do it in person.

I did the first episode of Shelter Cat & Trust Fund Baby. I should reprint it & then do the next one!

*******************SO?????????****************************

What’s up for ’18????????

I really don’t know. I’m hesitant to have too many predetermined goals. Still gunshy from last year. In fact, 2014 —17 have been so busy, noisy & exciting, I would be thrilled if ’18 is BORING AS FUCK!

When I was writing the Distressica Prequel, I found an Adventure in Reality I started in early ’17 about Trump & Putin trading shit to destroy the world with. I abandoned it about 3/4 of the way through because it seemed too dumb & juvenile for the current situation. But I think I’ll revisit it, and do some art to go with it.

[I did a lot of “art therapy” in ’17. I anticipate more to come in ’18.]

Okay, I know my life is boring as shit & I have no right to bore the crap out of you —oh wait—I DO have the right to bore the crap out of you HERE in The Octopus Diary!!! You have the right not to read. And please don’t “hate read.” That’s so 2013. When I do my end-of-year blogs I always feel like that relative who sends out the Xmas Newsletter—detailing what their family has been up to all year!!—and everyone groans & makes fun, but I secretly love the newsletter & wish we were all required to do a sort of year-end life-report and send it out to our respective social circles. 

(laughter. laughter. snort. laughs)

All right. No matter what’s going on in the macro, I hope everyone’s micro is just scopacetic.

The 8 of Tentacles Bodes Well for Travel & Impeachability

OH Friends, What’s Up?

Let’s hear it for our contributors to The Octo Review #2. Hundreds of views from all over the world, everyone loved it. (why do I feel like Donnie Trumpo when I say that?) 

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Well I keep meaning to drop in here and let you know what’s going on, but these past few months have been so busy I haven’t had time to think, let alone be an octopus. 

You know how i HATE being busy, too.

And you know I’m trying to determine whether I have early onset dementia or if all the technologies have made my brain less linear and organized. (or maybe it’s the testosterone? but probably the dementia.)

There is so much i want to address here in The Octopus Extra Extra Fake News Diary—I’m going to make a list so I remember it all, and I’ll get around to expounding on it whenever.

1. The #metoo hashtag. This was eye-opening for me, but probably not in the way you think. I wasn’t surprised by the numbers, I was surprised at how sexual assault has come to include the slightest micro-agressions—stuff that was considered “nothing” when i was young—along with the most violent physical attacks. And despite all this redefining and boundary-setting we’re still not 100% clear on what sexual assault is. I think the hashtag started out as a “raise your hand if you’ve been harassed at work” but it became much more than that; women shared accounts that ran the full spectrum from verbal harassment to horrific bodily injury. [Some men chimed in too, either in support of women in their lives, or in revolt against sexual assault being seen as only a “women’s issue.”] But so many of the posts began, “I’m not sure if this qualifies as abuse or not…”

And since we’re still not sure what qualifies as abuse, it keeps happening with alarming frequency.

[I didn’t chime in. Had I known #metoo would be trending in 2017, i wouldn’t have written extensively about my experiences with sexual assault in 2010/11 (back when I was a better writer & didn’t have dementia). I didn’t feel like recounting it —again!— on the Facebook wall. But I do have more to say about the whole phenomenon; I picked up lots of cool academicky gender-studies lingo too, so you bet I’ll be slinging that around. SOON, in The Octopus Diary.]

2. I heard it was National Coming Out Day a few weeks ago. I read some (mostly) heartwarming coming out stories and it made me think… I’ve never told my coming out story because my coming out was sooooo prolonged and squashed and deformed and untimely and shapeless. I’ve decided I’m going to “architect” a coming out story that is both true and heartwarming, possibly w/ illustrations. Possibly an Adventure in Reality. I will share it here in The Octopus Diary. Soon. 

3. Speaking of coming out, Adventures in Transitioning continues and I’ll share some of my progress because you’re all adults and you can handle it: I’m still afraid I’m going to be made fun of (or labeled crazy, or beaten up) if I take myself seriously as a trans man. So I go about it in a half-hearted manner. Lately though, I’ve been passing as male more often, so I’m forced to reckon with seeing myself as a guy. It’s quite a mindfuck, both exhilarating & scary. I’ll say more about it SOON (you know where)

4. I experienced age-ism for the first time. I say “we’re all adults here” but are we? Just like gender and sexual assault, adulthood falls on a spectrum. There’s a funny little anecdote that goes with this & I’ll try to remember to tell it to you , here , in T.O.D.

Eloise & Pecker

5. But here’s the most important thing: In preparation for becoming a mystic in my twilight years, I’ll be offering free Tarot readings for the next year or so, or until I feel like I’m skilled enough to charge the standard mystic rate of $120/hr.

As you may’ve read in my Summer Series on Spirituality I have studied and dabbled in many mystical arts since I was young, but a couple years ago when I was going through an extra difficult time, I returned to studying the Tarot deck in depth. I found much comfort and reliable advice (not always easy, but reliable) in the cards, and I feel like I have a much more intimate, intuitive relationship with this fascinating oracle than I ever have. 

I would love to practice reading for other people, so if you’re interested, let me know. (If you’re local we can meet in person, but I can also read for you via Skype or the dreaded phone if you’re out of town.)

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Eloise & Pixel

All right. That about covers it. As you probably heard (on Earbook) our little kitty Eloise died. Enjoy these photos of her unbelievably cute life.

I may not be back here until I finish my Illustrated Adventure in Coming Out, so if you don’t hear from me before the end of November, remember—

—submissions for the Winter Equinox issue of The Octopus Review open on Thanksgiving weekend. Send me poetry & art!!!!!!!!!!!!