The Surgeries

 Oh dear friends,

I’m clutching my pearls happily — which is not usually how it’s done — because I did receive some statistical data on the things I requested statistical data on! And I will tell you a little bit about it before I start talking about The Surgeries.

First of all the statistical data is still pretty trans-positive. 82% of transitioners do not want to detransition. TERFs and detransitioners are pretty rare creatures — they just happen to be making a lot of internet content right now. They are whining the loudest. They are begging for money to put behind their brands. They’re looking for new & exciting angles w/ which to grab the attention spans of the wholewideworld. And it’s true that the trans-positive narrative had peaked. Especially since I myself was having such a slow transition, I knew there were some not so great narratives to be had.

Now this doesn’t mean I have less compassion for people who feel their transitions were a mistake — it just means I am glad there aren’t as many as I feared. And I want to hate all TERFs equally, but I’ve come to realize even such a specialized group as trans-exclusionary radical feminists is not monolithic. There are women in this world who have a genuine phobia of men (and probably for good reason). There are women who just need space, who prefer the company of women, who actually do feel erased by men. I can understand wanting women-only spaces in this world. What I can’t understand is not wanting to include trans women in these spaces; Not being able to tell a perverted serial killer stereotype from a regular old trans girl; Believing that autogynephilia is the force behind every woman’s transition.

Let me just give you some statistics about autogynephiles and what a danger they are in the western world — about 1% dangerous. There are certainly cases of males identifying as female who have behaved criminally, throughout history. But “criminal autogynephilia” is much more of a problem in places like India, the Middle East, and Latin America — places where there are lots of sexual taboos, and gender roles can be extreme. For white American/Canadian/ British women to be afraid of toilet rape by a dude in a dress is laughable. But not really. I understand white feminism is fragile and loves victimhood, but I also understand the valid fear of owning a penetrable female husk in this world. I think TERFs are 97% more prejudiced than afraid though.

So…there are some statistics for you! Still nothing on trauma being a precursor to gender dysphoria, or pre/post transition suicide statistics.

OK, onto The Surgeries…

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I know “they” have been doing vaginaplasties since the 1950s (or before). Knowing that, I would think that “they’d” have a quick, no fail, peen-to-vag nip & tuck operation perfected by now. Easy-peasy sewn-up covergirl — no such thing as hedwigian botch jobs. But I don’t think “they” do. 

Unlike trans guys, trans girls almost always go for bottom surgery. It’s part of their trans rites. And while most trans girls report being happy with their vag*o*plasties , they also report it is not an easy road to go down. Perhaps it is in fashion now to over-report the negative aspects of being trans, but I haven’t heard of anyone who hasn’t had significant complications after genital surgery of any kind.

It would stand to reason that the anatomical structures that have come to define us as biologically binary would be complex and not conducive to cutting. The pelvic floor of the human anatomy bears some of the most pressure of upright living. It is basically our center of gravity. It is built for standing, coughing, speaking, giving birth, peeing, pooping, laughing…And it’s so full of tubes & ducts & blood vessels & nerves that were some of the earliest structures to develop in utero. To me, genital surgery seems as delicate as brain or heart surgery. 

But it is necessary in some cases. I always come back to Jazz on this — here is a kid who thinks she can have this kind of surgery in June and be ready to start college in August. If there were doctors who led her to believe that, they should be looked into. But I’ve seen too many stories of girls who have blocked out 3 -4 months of their lives for healing, then go through a period of depression as the healing process takes more like 1 -2 years, or longer in Jazz’s case.

But now it’s been 4 years and Jazz is happy she had the surgery. I think she may come to regret that she didn’t wait until after college to do it though. The complications that Jazz had after her first surgery are the kind of stories I keep hearing from other patients — the ripping open of surgical wounds because of the pressure of gravity on the pelvic floor. Not to mention swelling of recently cut tissue. Having to wait about 6 months to find out if the results are aesthetically pleasing…and if they’re not, deciding whether to have more surgeries.

Then there is the prolonged indignity of having to dilate your newly formed vagina so it doesn’t collapse upon itself. That’s right, you have to use a medical-grade dildo on yourself to avoid closure. It has been described as very painful right after surgery, and just uncomfortable after healing. Errr, is it weird that it sounds a little erotic to me? I guess that would be my inappropriately pansexual way of dealing with it.

 

Anyway I have listened to some nightmarish tales of post surgical complications, I have seen depression crop up in the lives of some of the strongest, most charismatic trans femmes after The Surgery…but I have heard of few who regret The Surgery.

***************

Now onto The Other Surgery…

Phalloplasty. Which “they” have not been doing for as long as the Vag*O*Plasty.. Maybe in the 1970s they started doing phalloplasties?

[I just looked up the first vaginoplasty done in 1930; first phalloplasty 1946.  The Surgeons have been experimenting on our genitals longer than I thought!!]

So…despite the barrage of complications that come with the vag*o*plasty, it usually does heal up in time, with decent sexual and urinary function. Not so with the phalloplasties. Sadly I haven’t seen many cases of phalloplasty that don’t require years of repair and tweaking. The main complication with this surgery is making a urethra that is long enough and strong enough to withstand the pressure of urination. As I watched the channels of young trans guys who are in the midst of post-phalloplasty fall-out, I again have to wonder about the doctors who are willing to take such risks with vulnerable patients. And sure, I know the guy has come to you asking, pleading, begging for a neo-phallus (aka new dick)…but if the risks involve fistulas ( tears in a tubular structure like the urethra), strictures (blockages of tubular structures) and having to wear a catheter for months — years, possibly— is it responsible to perform these surgeries when they are not quite ready for mass consumption yet?

The horrific complications described by some of these guys made me wonder how dysphoria is not aggravated by having so much focus directed at the genitals in their weakened, injured state. Some guys do report increased dysphoria after surgery. Another complication that can arise from phalloplasty is loss of nerve function in the arm that is used for the skin graft. A significant triangle of arm skin is harvested from the forearm (where there is little hair growth). This can get infected, or worse the patient can lose sensation and coordination in the wrist. The scarring is pretty significant and gruesome (but some people are into that).

After listening to all these horror stories about fistulas and strictures and supra-orbital catheters, I had to wonder when getting phalloplasty became a trans rite? I also had to wonder what a successful phalloplasty looked like. So I did a visual browse and found… better results than I was expecting! A nicely healed phalloplasty doesn’t look half bad. I’ve heard the TERFs describe them as “skin tubes” but they look pretty passable to me.

I still plan on waiting until the 3D printed version is a vailable. That should be by the 2030s.

Just kidding — no bottom surgery for me.

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So there you have some fresh perspective on gender confirmation surgeries (remember when it was okay to call it gender reassignment surgery?). What do you think? Is it okay to do experimental surgeries on young people who claim they will die without it? What if they don’t claim they will die, just won’t feel like their “complete selves”? Is it okay then?

I think we’re putting too much emphasis on the negative aspects of healing — it takes a long time! And if you feel brave enough and strong enough to get through it, knowing that it will be difficult, I say it’s okay to do whatever you want with your body. In the 90s we experimented with pharmaceuticals — anti depressants and fertility treatments mainly. In the 00s we experimented with every kind of plastic surgery you can imagine!! Yikes, remember that??  So now we’ve come to gender confirmation surgeries. And people are lining up to get them. And most of them will come through the grueling process of healing and decide they don’t regret their choice.

Folks, I think I will do one more installment of this series. It’ll cover everything I haven’t covered yet. This has been such a SERIOUS series! I hope you still enjoyed it. I need to get back to being silly and delightful. I am on a new art binge, but it’s not ready yet. I’ll have it for you next time, in the Octopus Diary.

Clock App Is The Latest Gymnast

 In other words…TikTok is the new Tumblr

Holy Shit, Friends:

I really do want to wrap up this series on the trials and tribulations of being trans in the 2020s, but the intricacies are endless. This may be the deepest rabbit hole in existence at the current moment. There are even transgender conspiracy theories (which I will definitely summarize for you, or you can look into them yourselves on youtube and reddit).

I was hoping to get right into The Surgeries for this post, but I feel like I need to get a little introspective just for my own sanity. Just to keep all of this real. Because the things I’ve been reading and seeing are beyond what I imagined would be happening when I decided to pursue my own medical transition.

I’ve always been a live and let live person. “If it harms none, do what thou wilt!” That was the basic tenet of Wicca, which I had embraced as a teenager and continue to believe in my old age. But this is an endlessly abusive world, and sometimes in order to prevent harm from being done to onesself, one must do & say things that may be hurtful to others. We’ve come to understand that this is called “setting boundaries” or “calling someone out” or even “canceling someone.” 

I started writing this series as a response to the shitstorm surrounding Dave Chappelle’s comedy special, which took a specific interest in who & what trans women are in our society. How can transgender folks be doing better than black folks, when trans is such a “new” phenomenon and black folks have been fighting for equality for eons? There was a lot to unpack there — a lot Dave got wrong, but a lot of valid questions as well. It was something I was interested in from a sociological standpoint, something that went beyond comedy for me.

And how I wish I could close Pandora’s Box and just recite all the things I had once believed without question — that trans women are women, and trans men are men!! That all TERFs are evil bridge trolls with vaginas! That affirmative care is the only right way to treat gender dysphoria, no matter the age of the patient.

But what I’ve realized as I navigate this labyrinthine rabbit hole is — I have questions about my own beliefs. And that’s okay. But I want to be careful with how I communicate some of my new realizations, so that I DON’T sound like a smug TERF, or a half-informed comedian.

I’m not sure where to start, except at the beginning. When I was a little tiny child, it was the 1970s & that was NOT a conservative era. Nudity and sexuality are things I can’t even remember being introduced to because they were always there. Naked children everywhere, naked adults, kids poking and prodding each other in the bathtub, Playboy (and PentHouse!) stashes under the bed, sexual innuendo punctuating every conversation within earshot. I had only brothers and most of my parents’ friends had boys too, so I was often the only female-bodied child at any gathering. I rarely had the protection and camaraderie of other girls. There was nothing resembling privacy or dignity for me right from the get-go. This all seems like enough to make a small child feel uncomfortable with their gender. But add to it a father who was super-misogynist, often exhibiting contempt for my mom & me, enough that one of my brothers became just like him. And I had to share close space with this brother all the time, with no protection from either parent.

The thing is, I can’t remember when I “became” gender dysphoric either. I didn’t look around at all my male playmates, or hear my dad say something demeaning about my mom, and think “Oh I want to be a boy.” It was more like I couldn’t accept being a girl from the time I became a conscious being.

A few years ago, I wrote all about my experiences growing up. I put all the pieces of my life together and made some shocking discoveries, which I called “solving my mystery.” I will spare you the details, but I realized there was some significant trauma in my first years of life that may have pointed me in the direction of dissociating from my gender.

My feelings about being female never changed. The years I conformed to gender norms were just an attempt to make the best of a bad situation — the absolute futility of fighting against puberty. I never knew any other child or teenager who felt at odds with their gender. No one who spoke of it or acted on it, anyway. After high school I had one friend who I suspect now was a trans girl, but who has since committed suicide. When I aligned with the LGBs in the 90s, I knew lots of gays and lesbians but no one who wanted to change their gender.

When I got out of the hospital after drinking Drano, my mom was giving me shit about it. All her friends’ kids were off to college, doing great things. What the fuck was wrong with me, she wanted to know. And I blurted out “I want a sex change!!” Because that’s what we called it back then. And her response was something along the lines of: “That’s impossible, Deadname. They can turn a man into a woman, but they can’t turn a woman into a man. You have to accept that you are a female. You HAVE TO!!!!!!!!”

And so that’s what I did for the next 25 years, with varying levels of success. I loathed my body and often mutilated it with glass or razorblades. But I was somehow able to get jobs, and keep them, and finally get through junior college with a degree at 28. I met my husband when I was 29, and finally felt like I had met someone who cared about me as a person. We had a fun, but pretty conventional marriage for ten-plus years. But right before I turned 40 I got really scared that I was going to go through another round of severe gender dysphoria. It had happened at 20, then at 30 (right at the start of our relationship), so I wanted to prevent it from happening at 40. I adopted a more androgynous look and started dissecting my life in writing, making the aforementioned discoveries.

I cruised along pretty happily in my androgynous state for a few years. Then in my mid-40s, the emotional backlash of solving my mystery hit me, and I had a for-real mental breakdown — worse than anything I’d experienced in previous years. I cried uncontrollably for several months. It was almost like the akathisia I just lived through, but more emotional/less physical. It was so huge that I can’t even say gender was at the heart of it. But gender is where I started to try to fix it. I knew that was what had bedeviled me for the longest time in my life.

I Googled gender counselors in my area & actually found one. I wasn’t expecting to. That was in the summer of 2014, and I sat with her and her support group for a full year before I decided I was informed enough to take the plunge into my trans rites! I was feeling more stable & happy in the summer of 2015. I had the support of my husband. Why not at least try this avenue while it was available?

So there’s my life story in a nut’s hell —my trans trajectory! I know I’ve written about all this stuff before, but I sometimes have to remind myself how I got here & how well things are going for me. Of course, the trajectory has been ongoing since 2015. It has not been a success only journey. The first year I was absolutely giddy with excitement. I was horny all the time and busy fulfilling all my trans rites. But then it was 2017, Donald Trump was president, the world was erupting in hateful discord, and I was not passing as male at all. 2018 came & I still wasn’t passing very well. I never considered stopping T, I just exercised my patience and waited for it to work. By 2019 I was passing sometimes, feeling better about my transition. I felt like I would be satisfied if that was as masculine as I ever got. But I did transform even more in the next couple of years. I pass all the time now…well…98.4% of the time. It has been a much slower transformation for me than it is for most people.

So…let’s talk about “most people.”  When I reached out to the gender therapist in 2014 I knew no trans people in my real life. I’d seen Jazz and Chaz on tv; I’d heard rumors about Caitlyn; I didn’t know Laverne Cox was really trans; I had read Kristin Beck’s botched memoir; I’d cringed at Max’s story arc on The L Word… I was woefully uninformed about my very own situation. And very alone.

The first thing I learned when I joined the trans support group in my town was — No One Is More Trans Than Anyone Else. Don’t be transier-than-thou. Don’t question anyone’s story or validity. Just because you knew you were trans when you were 3 doesn’t mean you are more valid than someone who figured it out at 13. Just because you had severe dysphoria doesn’t mean you’re more trans than someone who had no dysphoria. I obeyed this rule, even when I had my doubts about it. I mostly just sat quietly and listened to other people speak.

The group was primarily young people, teens and twenties. There were one or two guys in their 30s. There were a couple of guys in their 60s. I was the only 40-something person in the group. And it was mostly the younger kids talking about their parents/teachers/bosses wouldn’t acknowledge their gender/pronouns/new name, etc…and how hurtful that was. Sometimes they were being bullied at school. Sometimes they talked about being afraid to use the bathrooms at school and holding their pee in all day. The 60-something guys would talk about failed marriages to men, the children they had birthed as women, and how elated they felt to be living as their true selves after so many years of sucking it up in silence.

It was interesting to listen to their stories, but I always felt I had a different set of concerns. I was the only person in the group who was in a relationship with a man. Everyone else had girlfriends. I was assured that this didn’t make me any less trans — sexual orientation had nothing to do with gender identity (which is true). But I was still kind of insecure about talking about my relationship with this group. I was actually struck by how “unsexual” the conversations always were. Sex was not discussed. Self-harm and mental illness were not discussed. Eating disorders — though I could see they were present — were not discussed; nothing about body image was explored too deeply. We stuck to sharing stories about getting parents to accept our new pronouns, scheduling top surgeries & name changes, using the men’s room without incident. We kept it more political and less personal.

As I watched kids who had started T around the same time I did go through their changes at a rapid pace, I started to feel kind of….jealous. Jealousy is a valid emotion, but there is an immaturity about it. It was very awkward to feel jealous as I was pushing 50. I kept thinking, “If only I could’ve started T at 17 or 18, I wouldn’t have had to feel so shitty for so many years…” I stopped going to the group so I could just focus on my own trajectory without comparing myself to people half my age. Ah, self care. It is a beautiful thing.

I made it through 2017—2019 doing my own thing, patiently waiting for change. I made peace with my jealousy. I realized that my identity as a woman, a feminist, a riot grrl was important to who I was. I wouldn’t trade that experience for a different life. I realized that my opportunity to transition came at just the right time in my life. I never would’ve experienced the joy of a loving relationship with my husband if I’d started T at 17. When I was 17, the world would NOT have been a kind place for a transgender man. It was very difficult to accept being a woman, but I did finally accept it in my 30s — it felt like I’d fulfilled some spiritual duty. I feel privileged to have pushed boundaries as a female artist, musician & activist. And I feel extremely privileged (in a good way, not an entitled way) to now be experiencing the other side of that coin. To be perceived and treated as male by 98.4% of the world. To look in the mirror and see someone strong, grounded, fuzzy-faced, wise.

I have started wondering what ever happened to all the guys in my trans support group. Researching and writing about all this stuff has made me curious if anyone I knew has detransitioned, or if anyone in the group was autogynephilic or autoandrophilic (yes, I finally did read something about autoandrophilia — it’s pretty self-explanatory, just the converse of autogynephilia). I hardly see any of them on FB anymore, and I just wonder what they look like, what’s happening in their lives. Perhaps I am just sentimental, but I would love to know how they’re doing. I wish I’d had the courage to ask them more questions about their early lives, what made them want to transition, how did they really feel about being female, and what did they think of someone who had to wait until their 40s to transition.

Anyway…I wrote about growing up in the ‘70s because it was very different from how kids grew up in the ‘90s & ’00s, I think. Sometime in the mid-80s a nice lady named Oprah came onto our television screens and talked openly about things that hadn’t really been talked about before. Including one of the downfalls of the sexual revolution — the predation of innocent children.  From there, it seems, children were more sheltered not only from sexual actions and content, but also from sexual knowledge. Preserving children’s innocence became the mantra of the times. But right at a very crucial point in these innocent children’s lives, a new invention called the internet seeped into their lives and with it came the scourge of pornography. And bam…innocence torn asunder, imploded like a tower rigged with dynamite sticks! Yet the veneer of conservative family values draped itself over the screen like a doily.  

I discovered “smut in real life” sometime between the ages 5–8. I’ve heard that the average child of the 2000s discovers internet porn between the ages of 8 — 12. This seems like a much more insidious time to first be exposed to gratuitous sex content. I can remember walking in on my cousins looking at porn on my mom’s computer when they were about 10 years old. I was shocked & dismayed to see my innocent little cousins giggling at such grown up shit!! It didn’t really dawn on me till later that I was much younger when I started looking at grown up shit. And yet it somehow seemed more WRONG for these 10-yr-olds to be exposed. Sex had gone underground somewhere between Oprah & the internet. I remember the ’80s & ‘90s being dominated by a prim cynicism that painted every adult as a potential sex offender, and every child as a sacred gift from God who should be protected from …well, everything. Baby On Board, motherfukkers!!!

And if I have this all wrong, you Millennials & Zillennials can call me out. I don’t mind being corrected when I’m wrong about something. Most of this series is based on my personal observations, not statistical findings** or peer-reviewed journals. One thing that most doctors, psychologists, counselors, authors & TERFS do cite as an instigating factor in the massive shift toward transgender & non binary identities is early exposure to pornography on the internet.

While the real life pervy uncle in the family has been banished from the house, there are thousands of pervy uncles & aunties on the internet waiting to groom your child into a sex slave.  Young girls are watching themselves in strappy lingerie getting pounded & throttled by faceless, unsympathetic males for pleasure. And young boys are watching themselves aggressively possessing these infantalized & helpless objects. And they don’t have any parental input about what they are seeing. This is negatively affecting kids of all genders and sexualities, but it is definitely cited as the #1 reason for the 5000% increase in teenage girls* wanting to transition to male in the 2010s. (* an actual statistic)

Going into the Internet Age with such smothering (& immature) views on sex has bred an incongruency. People who grow up in conservative environments believing that sex is some kind of unnatural perversion now have this alternate universe where they can be gratified anonymously. I just feel like we haven’t gotten sex right yet, and it’s time to rectify that. I really think that this generation of gender non conformists are just working through the rubbish they’ve been taught ( and not taught!) by previous generations. (Btw, role playing games are another online phenomenon that are believed to have influenced a generation of trans genders. I remember when all the guys used to want to have female avatars, for some reason, back in the Joss-Whedon-wave-of-feminism days).

One thing I know is, I was very sexually aware from a very young age. Probably an inappropriate age, due to early childhood trauma. I understood more than many of my peers, based on my observations. But I think all children are more aware of sexuality and gender than we want to believe. Anti-trans activists ask “How can a 3-yr-old know they are a boy, not a girl??” But I think they DO know. I think that is the earliest & most fundamental part of our forming identities. These activists will also say “My son is 3, and he thinks he is a dog, or an attack helicopter!’’

But does he think he is a boy dog, or a boy attack helicopter?

Wow, this has been quite a long-winded waffle. Sorry to get so personal, but I needed to clarify some of this incoming information in my own mind. I have been identifying as a TRANS MAN for over 6 years now. And in the past 4 months I have come to question what “trans” even means. I know that I am happier than ever to be who I am. Happier than ever with the dude in the mirror. But transitioning & taking hormones & having surgeries hasn’t solved ALL of my problems. I still take anti-depressant & anti-anxiety medications, so it didn’t CURE those things. It forged a truce between my self perception and my violent misogynistic upbringing.

To me, “transgender” was a medical/psychiatric issue. But it is not clearly defined as such in the general public. Do mental health professionals even agree on what “transgender” is? In the days when I intermingled with trans-identified people, none of them struck me as autogynephilic, or autoandrophilic, or people who would choose to detransition. But the stories I’ve read & listened to on podcasts about trans widows divorced from autogynephiles, or kids who sought hormone treatment to cure their depression & anxiety, only to detransition a few years later, not to mention some of the conspiracy theories I’ve heard… it makes me think we really need a better definition of what transgender is, who needs treatment, who needs protection, who needs to just wait it out and seek therapy in the mean time…

…I am exhausted, folks. So I’ll end this here. I still have a lot to say though. The Surgeries will be discussed next. Plus I’ve been watching this season of ‘I Am Jazz’ and I’m really concerned about her, so I will have something to say about that. I also wanted to air some thoughts on the whole non binary phenomenon. Oh, and the conspiracy theories!! ALSO, I plan to start doing brand new ART this weekend! Be excited. I’ll see you later, here in The Octopus Diary.

**I would love to find some true statistical data on the trans community — 

what is the actual suicide rate among gender dysphoric kids who don’t start HRT? 

What is the suicide rate of people who have transitioned (I’ve seen claims that it is just as high as those who haven’t)? 

How many people are happy with their transition, versus how many detransition? 

Are all trans women over the age of 40 autogynephiles, as the TERFs claim? 

Is there a correlation between early childhood trauma and gender dysphoria, as the latest speculative science is asking? 

Is non binary the “gateway gender” into the resorted binary? 

Someone please collect all of this data and send it to me by midnight next month.

The AUTOGYNEPHILES

 Hello Friends & Frenemies & Allies,

I’m here to talk about The Autogynephiles today. In case you missed the first part of this series, The Autogynephiles are heterosexual men who get sexually turned on by the notion of themselves as women. So much so, that they adopt the habit of dressing like women (ie, sexily) wearing make up, growing their hair if they can, getting on estrogen if they can, sometimes getting breast implants, but rarely inverting their penises into va-jayjays.

If you listen to too much TERF rhetoric, as I have over the past few weeks, you could really start to fear these horrible perverts, who are obviously out to invade women’s spaces, who are definitely trying to make women uncomfortable, who are most certainly rapists, and who are succeeding at rapidly erasing women and girls from the political gender spectrum. EGADS!!

Are you terrified yet?

Well, I’m not.

Jesus, the OG AGP

 

I have no doubt The Autogynephiles exist. But I don’t think they exist in the myriad numbers the TERFs would have us believe. And I do NOT think the term “autogynephile” is synonymous with “trans woman.” 

I want to say that I have nothing against anyone who is autogynephilic. Whatever sexual paraphilia is your jam, I respect that. Especially if you’re not directly involving me (or children) in said paraphilia. I also dislike calling autogynephilia a perversion or paraphilia, because I feel like it is probably a coping mechanism developed out of an abusive childhood, or early exposure to porn, or any form of intimacy issue with desired partners.

What I’ve gleaned from the TERFs is that there are only a few examples of autogynephiles who are among the criminal element. There was the case of Karen White, an autogynephile with a lengthy criminal history, who raped female inmates in the prison she was sent to. There was a case at an LA spa where a pre op trans woman got undressed in the women’s locker room, exposing her penis. (Yes I said HER penis). What a tizzy that caused!!

And then there was the story of Ute Hagen*, a well known academic, whose husband came out as an autogynephile and tried to pressure her into his kink. She gave into it for awhile but then decided it wasn’t for her. They went through a messy divorce. Their children were negatively affected by their father’s transformation. She calls herself a “trans widow” now. (This is sad, but it is not criminal).

There are a couple of strange autogynephilic Youtube personalities.  Jessica Yaniv comes to mind. She does things like booking an appointment at a ladies’ spa for a Brazilian wax, showing up with dick & balls intact, and saying “Wax me, or you’re a transphobe.”  Or trying to get lesbians to date her and calling them transphobes if they won’t. It all seems very youtube-y. Like not a fair representation of how an actual trans woman behaves in society. Yaniv has also called paramedics to help her out of the bathtub naked; she also claims that the estrogen she’s taking has caused her to start menstruating (through her penis, I guess?) I have heard many trans women lament that they don’t menstruate and can’t bear children, but never heard them claim their estrogen has magically caused this to happen.

So… while each of these stories carries an “Ewww” factor, I don’t see any evidence that they are characteristic of average trans women, even those with autogynephilia. For every autogynephile who is brash enough to undress at the women’s gym or bully lesbians, there are probably dozens who are quietly going about their days with their private lives private.

And I have to wonder what these TERFs are so damn afraid of? Would I feel threatened as a female if a pre op trans woman was changing next to me at the gym? No. I’m not a huge fan of the human meatsack in general — I’m equally affected by male and female nudity. Would I feel in danger of being raped? Not in a public locker room where other women were changing too. Rape happens in many places, but usually not in well lit, well populated locker rooms.

Would I have a problem if my partner of many years decided to transition? No. If they decided to transition and wanted me to do disagreeable things in the bedroom? That may be a deal breaker. But I was “a female” for many years, and that was pretty disagreeable in itself. I dated plenty of men (& women) who wanted me to do stuff I wasn’t overly comfortable with. But I was always willing to try stuff before I decided it was not on my erogenous radar. It would all depend on the level of respect my transitioned partner & I had for each other. If they suddenly showed disrespect for my already established boundaries that would be pretty disturbing.

As a feminist and former riot grrl, would I feel erased if more and more trans women were identifying as feminists and showing up at women’s rights rallies & such? I can’t imagine that I would feel erased. TERFs like to claim that trans women (autogynephiles, all of them) are trying to wrest feminism right out of women’s hands. I think because they request that cis women use the term cis**, or uterus haver, or some other neologism to differentiate themselves from trans women. Again, I see this as a matter of mutual respect —would I respect a mouthy, demanding trans diva who wants to come in and seize power over the room? Probably not! But I wouldn’t respect a mouthy, demanding cis diva who wanted to define everything for everyone either. It’s been a long time since I participated in any form of activism, but I imagine there are disrespectful trans divas out there as well as ones who understand their part in the feminist movement. I absolutely believe that trans women deserve to be included in feminist politics, even though they were born male. Shit, I believe trans men should be included in feminism. Cis men too! There can’t be too many feminists in my opinion. WTF, TERFs?

When I think of the average trans woman, it is not a monolithic image that comes to mind. I of course think of Jazz, and other super girly-girls like Samantha Lux and Kat Blaque and Maya Henry. But I also think of Jazz’s good friend, Noelle, who did not have the benefit of hormone blockers and is a soft-spoken jeans & T-shirts kind of girl. I think of Jennifer Finney Boylan who transitioned way before all the hype and is a professor somewhere. I think of current Jeopardy champion Amy Schneider. I think of high profile celebrities like Laverne Cox and Caitlyn Jenner, and lesser known celebs like MJ Rodriguez and Indya Moore.  I think of former Navy SEAL Kristin Beck.  I’ll even give a shout out to the Wachowski sisters, though they are perhaps more on the eccentric side.

One thing you might wonder as you read this — where is all the controversy surrounding trans MEN?? So far there is very little controversy. Because trans men are absolutely no threat to cis men. It is assumed that a cis man will win over a trans man any day of the week — in sports, in business, in dating. When the day comes where trans men are seen as equal competitors in those areas, then there will be controversy. And it won’t be the cis men who get erased, it will be the trans men who get swept so far under the rug they may as well not exist.

Trans men are like “model minorities.” We know our place. I know I am not a cis man, who benefited from boyhood socialization and a male puberty. I am someone who watched from the sidelines and garnered as much second hand knowledge as possible, while reluctantly allowing girlhood socialization and female puberty to happen. Even under the influence of T, I am a softie, a sissy, an art fag. A threat to no one.

Is there a trans masculine equivalent of autogynephilia? No official psychological template has been created for such, as far as I know. But I imagine this phenomenon exists in some trans men — the idea of themselves as men is a real turn on. Certainly conceiving of myself as male is much more of a turn on than being female was. But is it the prime factor in my transition? No.

I’ve heard the term “autohomophilia” bandied about casually. This is described as a female-born person who prefers the company of gay men and may feel safer having sexual desires toward their gay friends than toward heterosexual men. We used to call them “fag hags” and I never would’ve conflated them with trans men. But what do I know?

There is one trans man who has been rocking the boat for many years and continues to do so — most recently pissing off the TERFs for advertising his pornographic toy business on the same Twitter account where he shares photos of his children. Yes, I’m talking about Tranpa himself, Buck Angel. Angel is controversial for many reasons, even within the trans community — he is a porn star; he goes back & forth on his stance about trans medicalism; he flip flops on a lot of things, but is always outspoken no matter what position he is taking in the moment. He kind of sees himself as the spokesperson for all trans masculine folks. He is a bit of a narcissist. But…he is still no threat to cis men.

I mentioned at the very start of this series that there was a rift in the LGB  TQ community, and it is happening between same-sex attracted people and people who identify as the opposite sex. If there IS any controversy about trans men, it is that butch lesbians are being medically transitioned at a faster rate than any other demographic. Many same-sex attracted females are medically transitioning, butch or not. This leaves lesbians feeling pretty erased/marginalized. And unlike cis-hetero TERFs, I feel like the lesbian TERFs have a valid concern. They are already a marginalized group and if their numbers dwindle they are even less visible. They feel therefore that the T should not be included with same-sex attracted LGB folks. A smaller faction of gay men feel this same way about effeminate males transitioning to female. It just reinforces the homophobia in our society.

So that’s all I will cover today. I want to wrap up this series in one or two more posts. I still have more to say about The Surgeries and I also want to share some more personal experiences with my transition and how I perceive myself as a trans man in a same-sex relationship. But I’m ready to get more artistic & creative for you all!

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I can’t let today go by without commenting on the anniversary of the Capitol Riots. I was feeling pretty horrific on my medication one year ago, but watching the Capitol get destroyed by angry white rednecks who truly believed the election was stolen took me out of my own horror for a few days. I couldn’t believe the mob mentality I was witnessing. Talk about myriad numbers (& no autogynephiles in sight). When I heard one attacker had been shot & killed, my first thought was ‘Why not more?’ My next thought was ’No, let these fuckers live to be tried & punished.’  In my heart I knew I was not in favor of massive police force. I was outraged when Trump finally went public & called those bloody terrorists ‘Very special people.’ As the riots wound down and they started fencing people in and apprehending them, I though ‘This is what a police state would look like.’ But I also panicked when so many rioters escaped. It was a no win situation between rioters & police. 

A year later we still have no confidence that this won’t happen again. The people who believe the election was stolen are still out there, and apparently still angry. Congress triumphed on Jan 6, 2021 and got their votes in by that evening. But congress can’t solve ignorance. Congress almost got whacked by ignorance. It would be nice if there was a dynamic, unifying contingent of leaders who could bridge this oceanic gap between us, the civilian warriors (aka average US citizens). But I don’t see that happening by 2024. The carnage that Trump unleashed with his years of hate speech (& lies!) won’t soon be washed from our streets & towns & institutions.

Also can’t believe it’s been 2 YEARS that we’ve all been living under threat of pandemic cooties! These are unnecessarily difficult times. Almost hopeless you could say. And yet I still manage to find joy and humor in unexpected ways. And I can see you all doing the same. We are as adaptable as viruses, you & I. I know all this infighting & dying will lead to a grand enlightenment of sorts. I just hope it happens before I’m too old, or dead.

It's snowing here. My cisgender slacks are moist.

* Correction: The Ute Hagen who is the modern day TERF is NOT the Uta Hagen I mentioned a few posts ago as having lectured at FSU when I was a student there. That was Uta Hagen the famous Broadway actress who died in 2004, and who would probably never have aligned herself with TERFdom. I knew it couldn’t have been the same person…. who knew Ute/Uta Hagen was such a popular name??

**A few years ago I wrote a blog called ‘I Hate the Word Cisgender Too’. Back then I did not know what ‘cis’ meant, and no one else did either. I have since learned that ‘cis’ means ‘on the same side of’ just as ‘trans’ means ‘on the other side of’. I still hate the word cisgender, but now that I know it actually has meaning I can tolerate it better.