Vogonball Championships

Hello Friends,

I hope you are well. I am feeling pretty good these days,

But realize my nervous system is like the solar system--vast & unattainable

In its far-reaching dimensions & I'm only renting space in it until it

Kicks me out.

And since last summer, it keeps trying to kick me out

Every few weeks/months/days.

************

This blog is a funny thing…it is my way of talking

Without having to call anyone on a phone and force them

To listen to my voice, or worse getting in their personal space & rambling on & on & on

All the stuff I ramble on quietly about in print. Lately,

I mostly write on & on about the choice I've made to transition from the one true gender

To the other true gender (because there are only 2 true genders in this world)

But I'm going to do something different now--

Instead of writing here about transitioning & all its convolutions 

I'm going to do that on my fabulous Tumblr page,

(Which I created to connect to more transitioning people, but which

Is mostly a younger crowd.) I will write my short, random confession-style

Thoughts about transitioning here: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/vindicationdonkeystar

Also---whenever I put the word 'Vogon' in the title of a blog, it gets tons of hits

From Russia

(and when there is a big airplane crash -- which there hasn't been in awhile -- my

Short story 'Distressica Finds The Source Of Happiness'  gets lots of hits)

Just some patterns I've noticed…patterns…patterns…blogosphere pitter-patter

Stream-of-conscious non-threatening pansexual jibber-jabber.

Speaking of which!!! Here are some Vogon poems from early this year. Enjoy.

**********************

PHANTOMS FLYING OFF THE SHELF

Despite a hundred percent

Price hike

Back-ordered til Independence

Day – all single-malt drinking

Single dads and beer-swilling

Basement dwellers observe

The layaway lent

Til availability extends its hand

Til wrought iron fortresses flap

Like veils of Maya

Then leak like sieves and thread-

Bare doormats

Not committed to geospatial

Relations

Not all snipers make

Good nannies

What can we, the

Undisciplined

Aerialists modify to make

The phantom obey?

To convince the lark to spy

Or swallow anthrax?

To deliver boy band contraband

To Sasha & Malia

(by the way, can they come

out and play?)

The sprinklers, honestly

The worthiest defense

Spray them like mosquitos

From the sky,

Droning to their deaths as

Well-compensated sentinels

Decide there’s some playfulness

In the grave

Your phantom,

When it arrives,

When you fondle its

Dynamic and delicate parts—

and take them gently apart—

Will resonate only in the

Pathways of bats

Over drinks w/ a trusted

Yet disadvantaged neighbor who

Can’t wait to share in your

Reputable mission

You release

Your outgoing phantom & promise

It will find its intended 

Target by 3 a.m.

While you guide it from

Your inner wasteland

1-30-15

****************

Ancient unfinished art c. 1990 Just 'cuz

EVERYONE KNOWS

Everyone knows laughter is for

Fools who dropped out of

Society and can't find the ropes

To drop back in…

Everyone knows

A woman who is 8 heads tall

And wears a size zero shoe

Everyone knows 

A man w/ a beard who has won

A modern day sword fight

Everyone knows how to write code

Everyone knows how to make a tunafish sandwich

Everyone knows the difference

Between "sex" and "gender"

Everyone still calls me 'Miss! Miss!

Ma'am!'

Everyone wishes they could

Board a spaceship & feel the

Consolation

Of leaving this planet behind

Everyone loves being green

Everyone can blithely say

'I would wear a sexy dress if my boss

Wouldn't see a picture of it

On Facebook'

Everyone loves Halloween

But dreads Secretary's Day

Everyone's ear is tuned to a

Different frequency

But none are equipped with

Volume knobs

Everyone's eye sees what it

Wants to see & ignores

What it doesn't

Everyone's mouth is made

Of the same meat it eats

Everyone including me

4-12-15

*******************

UNDER CONSTRUCTION

I planned to contribute to the million-line poem

But decided to write a poem of my own

I don't already have enough of them

Like children & courage, poems are scarce

Around here…

I need to make an effort

To put this line here & carefully

Place this one right below it

Focusing on what I want to say

Like cameras & corneas collaborating on

One point of view

My poem looks like

A rezoned neighborhood

And now my doorbell rings

Witnesses or joint casers

For I know it's not a friend 

Indeed

I can't make people stay

Yet I can't make them go away

I'm not pregnant

And never will be…I've had a vasectomy

My binder glows in the black light

This is all making sense now

The moon cries

Through every social media guru

Preaching 'Crying is for the infirm,

The ungrateful, the weak,

The unevolved!!'

I've seen the stars & your transformation

You are spellbinding

I am still under construction

It will take the rest of my life

Just to change my name

5-2-15

**************

There you are, Friends. If you are still reading, I hope you are having a good evolutionary time period. And I'll see you next time--it's been a while since I made a horrible music video for you. And I've written a few new songs, so…perhaps next time, something from the Garage!

Stream Of Mad Manliness

Friends & Allies,

I hope all is fine in your worlds, as I am battling a feeling of unease

With all the soft, nerfy tendrils of my heart

I feel an earthquake inside me

Again….every few months

Like a natural disaster I rumble

My tectonic chakras slamming into place &

Opening inner eyeball doors

Life is as safe as it is unsafe

And as fair as it is unfair

And as balanced as Fox News,

No just kidding…even Fox News is balancing something 

We may not be hearing over here

Over here over here in the U.S.A.

I try to keep my sense of humor,

But sometimes I give it away--

I donate it to the humorless void

I can't quite locate inside my frame

Is it in my skull?

My ribcage?

Sometimes it's a tremor located

In my legs and they collapse

Like third world infrastructure in 

A 7.3 quake

I have had 3 wonderful months in a row

Spring is my favorite season after Autumn

But here comes Summer, that bitch…

I fear her. Or him. I don't mean to

Gender the seasons…  SPEAKING

of GENDER:

I almost made it out to the 

Harvey Milk Festival--I planned on going

I wanted to go & show my support &

See the music & hear the murmur of progress

But I realized:

I am absolutely SATURATED with the LG(BT)Q dilemma

Right now, and I need to step back from it

I need to remember who I am besides someone

Who is changing slowly into

Who he really is…

Yes I said it: He. HE.

PEARL

So far I have shared mostly the shallow aspects 

Of transitioning--the clothes

The outward appearance, the attempts to

Avoid being called "Miss" or "Ma'am"

But now I am thinking of myself in male pronouns

I think "He" instead of "She"

And that is much harder than

Choosing what neutral, masculine outfit to wear

Because all my neurons scream

"No No NO NO NO  NO!!!!!!"

You are not allowed to be in that club!

You are not anatomically correct!

"You are too short to be a man. You've GOT to 

Accept that you're a female!!" (Mom's voice after my suicide attempt

always echoing in my head)

The laughter…the questions…the jokes…the

Unwanted gropes

There is a lot of POLITICS surrounding GENDER TRANSITION

We have polarizing figures like Bruce Jenner & Kristin Beck

So public, both hated & revered for doing what they're doing

There are TERMINOLOGY issues--

Apparently it's not okay to talk about "passing"

It triggers things in people who have made it

Through their transition already

But I am okay with the word "passing"

That's all I can do right now

There is issue with the phrase "born in the wrong body"

But that is EXACTLY how I describe my situation

I guess the preferred phrase is

"Assigned female at birth (AFAB)"

That seems a) like a mouthful b) euphemistic

c) it doesn't have the gravitas that accompanies the kind

of gender dysphoria I've experienced all my life

And there is friction between those who are public about

Their transition (Jenner/Beck)

And those who wish to remain "stealth" (just live as their

chosen gender w/out letting anyone know there was a "journey"

from one to the other)

And I can respect both of those decisions

I can understand why some people would go "stealth"

Even though I don't feel I could do that

I need this to be a "journey" I can share with

The world, no matter what 

And hey, I just have to ask--

Why has the "trans community" forgotten about

CHAZ??

He is a public figure; he shared his transition

On a mini reality called 'Becoming Chaz'; he was on

Dancing With The Stars, for chrissakes!!

I never hear his name lumped in with

The famous (mostly female) trans population.

Anyway…enough about all that

I am moving along slowly, slothfully, snailishly

Forgiving myself for all the years

Of anger and hate and frustration

And restlessness and fakery,

And any hurt that has caused the people around me

I'm trying to accept myself for who I am

Someone who WAS born in the wrong body

And who has come out in a time when it seems safe to do so…

Attempting to be who I really should've been

From age 2.

That is the truth, and sometimes it robs me of my happiness, humor & sanity

And sometimes it is the very

Source of those things

Aaahhhhh, LIFE. You mysteriously little angel w/

Devilish afterbite. I'm still with you.

And if you're still with me, here is an art project that didn't go so well

I wanted to draw "something shiny" in pencil. 

I chose scissors, but did not do a good job with the shininess…

Frustration ensued.

“I am so angry with myself because I cannot do what I should like to do,” he wrote in a letter as he tussled with mental illness —

FUCK

Social Experiment & Feline Poetry

HI FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry to SHOUT but I'm excited to be here,

Blogging away pretentiously about my sloth-like transition.

The Moonchild & I went on a little excursion to the East coast last week

And since it was a new place/alien space

I decided to really see how andro I could be

Sometimes it's hard for me in my home town because everyone knows I'm

"really a lady" 

It's hard to suddenly embody a more masculine persona

Shit, I've tried all my life NOT to be too masculine

And I have perfected so much WASPy feminine daintiness, it's

Downright embarassing… & even when I'm hunched up in layers of T-shirts and flannel 

I get called "Miss! Miss!…Ma'am!!"

So…on this East coast adventure I wanted to see if I could avoid being called

'Miss' or 'Ma'am' … basically I just wanted to see

If I could 'pass' even without being on T(extoxterone).

I dressed accordingly (as a grown up dude on a casual business trip)

I wore my binder

I repressed all my encoded feminine attributes (the giggling, squeeing, hand-gesturing)

I tried to keep my posture as tall and confident as I could

I refrained from using public restrooms

And I spoke in my lower registers when I had to talk to strangers….AND

I did not get called 'Miss' or 'Ma'am' once!!!!

We mostly got called 'You guys'

I was surprised at how happy that made me--all my life being misgendered or being told

I'd be a lot prettier if I smiled, or wore nicer clothes, or acted more lady-like

'Miss!!!! Misss!!!! Ma'am!!!!' Every time i heard those words I wanted to strangle someone,

But instead I just kept silent & then got drunk.

It was so nice to be called 'You guys' everywhere we went

I wanted to squee & giggle & do little dances with my hands

(And when I'm more secure in my masculinity, I will squee & giggle as much as I want

For now, I'm adjusting my settings that have been so badly tweaked for so many years…

SOooooo….many….yearrrrrrrssss……

Overcompensating a little to find that androgynous middle ground I want to stake out

And inhabit like a hobbit)

I was thrilled, ELATED, at how well my social experiment went. 

I read a lot of blogs about transitioning (both ways) and I know a lot of trans guys still

Get called "she" and "Miss" even after they've started T.

And I know a lot of trans girls still get called "dude in a dress"

And I know how that chips away at one's soul and drives one to drink or do other stuff

(Like stay at home all the time)

I'm feeling much better about dropping back into society these days,

But I know things will not always go well…I'm ready for that…I've made it this far…

********NOW…here is a video of me & my cat reading some poetry together. And when I'm on camera I revert right back to being so FEMME, I want to punch myself in the face! Enjoy…

https://youtu.be/2LLFZVdL1Q4