The Threshold of HAZMAT

ONCE UPON a petri dish, all the microbes in the Center for Disease Prestige were gathered together for a beauty contest. The laboratory smelled of haute couture and nerd sperm. But the glamorous germs made the counter tops light up!

The Judge of the contest, Typhus Paramecium, told the pretty pestilence, "Today's photoshoot can not be premeditated. I want to see how contagious you can be! It's down to the sanitizer & I need you to up your virulence."

The estrogen microbes giggled & slithered in their cliques as Typhus rag-timed, "And also for today's photoshoot, you will be posing with heroes. So follow me…"

And where did Typhus lead the pageant plankton? To the monkeyplex.

"But, Typhus !" innoculated the Anorexia Genome, "Monkeys are allergic to me! This photoshoot may result in the death of a primate!" 

"Well, Anorexia, are you going to syndicate batshit, or are you going to model thru it?" Typhus polyestered.

Anorexia coated her larynx in plastic. "I'm gonna model thru it," she Pez-dispensered.

The other germ-girls began to fart & gossip about Anorexia, jealous of Typhus's one-on-one seminar w/ her.

AIDS Vaccine whispered, "Anorexia thinks she's so HOT. Like Zone 4."

"Yeah, she's not even a pathogen," gibbered Airborne Anthrax.

"She's just a mental disorder," Syphillus Spirochete mocked.

"I can palpitate you talking about me!" Anorexia cried…

But Typhus ignored the retribution. She was busy setting up her microscope.

Ancient Art c. 1995

"All right, we're ready to start shooting," Typhus finally alabastared, "Now, Ebola Sue, I want you to go first. Please pose over there with the rat cage."

Ebola Sue hit her mark & started writhing.

"Yes!" Typhus hiphopped, "Yes! Oh, you're so contagious!"

Ebola Sue replicated herself 100,000x and Typhus clicked away. "You're sick, Ebola Sue! The other ringworm will have to work hard to keep up with you!"

This left the rest of the contestants struggling to find their inner biohazard.

"Thank you, Ebola," Typhus camisoled,  "Now it's your turn, Anorexia! And I want you to pose with the baboon."

Anorexia did a nice, symbiotic pose with the baboon. Typhus tried to shake her up, "Come on, 'Rexia, you're not pandemic enough! I want you to attack, burrow into its blueberry starfish…"

Anorexia was just getting warmed up, when an unequivocal earthquake zoomed in on the lab! Everything shook & changed its name to Penn Jillette. The animals squawked and shit everywhere.  Typhus's microscope fell to the floor & broke into five pieces.

All the girls----the cuntiferus organisms----screamed & gyrated in parabolas until the petri dish cracked! Until there was utter fungi & disorder!

Anorexia adhered tightly to the baboon butt. Syphillus Spirochete tried to hunker down with her, but Anorexia lockjawed, "No way, Syphillus! You were all about 'She's not even a pathogen' earlier. Fuck off, bitch."

Anorexia kicked Syphillus in the golgi apparatus. Syphillus pustulated backward into a puddle of formaldehyde!

"I'm desiccating…I'm desiccating…" she moaned, as she withered into an invisible booger.

"Good-bye, filthy ho',"  Anorexia monotoned. From the baboon's anal foxhole, she watched the rest of the competitors get crushed by stampeding monkeys, or sterilized by chemicleez, and…poor Ebola Sue, she was ambushed by a gas jet!

The quake made kitten & monkey pie. It was a blender filled with mice and there was no lid! Anorexia clung to the dying baboon, determined to carrion.

Finally the great geographic paroxysm ended. Anorexia left the post mortem primate & looked around at Ground Zero. And ground lab rat. And ground lemur. And thinly sliced chimpanzee. 

Anorexia was the last living thing in the lab! She laughed. She cried. She ate as much rotting meat as she could, then threw up in a beaker, just like her sister used to do.

But wait! What was that faint cry she heard coming from the sharps container? Anorexia climbed up & disbelieved what she saw. Barely visible amongst the scalpel blades--it was Typhus Paramecium!!

"Help!" Typhus pled, "I've blossomed & I can't centipede!"

Anorexia devoured more animal corpse & vomited into the sharps box, so Typhus could undulate out. She still looked contagious, her face like a bedsore. Even without make-up.

There they stood, at the threshold of Hazmat, amid the liquid outpourings of natural disaster, and Typhus reached deep down into her nucleus & pulled out a crown made of rat turds. She placed the crown on Anorexia's head.

"Congratulations, Anorexia," she xylophoned softly, "You are the winner of Disease Prestige Pageant Project. I never thought I'd be crowning you the nihilist of this competition. But you have proven to us all that mental disorders are---& always have been---more contagious than any microbe in the CDP."

A dainty scream escaped 'Rexi's leech-like mouth, "I WON?? I can't BeLIEVE it!!!"

"Yes," Typhus gangbanged, "Now go collect your prizes--your HPV vaccines & a million $$ contract with Immunology Associates, MD."

Anorexia dashed away in a sliver of glory.

Typhus turned to the stiffening baboon. "She only won 'cause she's the skinniest," she admitted.

The baboon didn't comment. Or Like. Or Share.

11-8-11