The Detransitioners

 Dear Friends,

I hope you had a good Stressmas. I think I did. I don’t know why I get stressed out by the holidays but I do. I feel like I have to spend time “doing stuff” that I normally would never do in the name of being festive and having fun. But it always ends up working out just fine.

Thank you all for reading & enjoying my “Holiday Series” about the state of the LGB & TQ peoples. I know you have found it as fascinating as I do. And today I’ll be talking a little more about The Detransitioners.

The first thing I want to say about The Detransitioners is — if people who have medically transitioned feel the need, for whatever reason, to detransition, I AM OK with that. I don’t worry that it will make the trans community, or me personally, look bad. I don’t care. If  transitioning to the opposite gender is not working for someone, then what they do about it is their own decision to make.

Super femme in 2004

I think I’ve been subconsciously preparing for the day when detransition stories on youtube (&Tumblr) outnumbered the “yay look at me 5 days on T!!” stories. I never wanted to come out and say that I didn’t believe that everyone who was transitioning in the mid-10s was actually trans. That would’ve made me an unholy gatekeeper who was transier-than-thou. And honestly I knew that if trans trendering was really a thing, it would reveal itself soon enough and get sorted out in the social medias for everyone to see.

I could see that it was primarily a youth-driven phenomenon. Sure we like to blame it on Caitlyn Jenner’s stunning Vanity Fair cover, but I think she mainly made it safe for people my age & older to come out. I totally blame Tumblr for the foothold medical transition took in youth culture from 2010 on…

…when I began my transition I was told I could find not just info but a whole trans commune(ity) on TUMBLR!! So I went there, and lo! it was a topography of the most beautiful, sculpted, cosmetized, PASSING trans folk you ever saw! It was all very shallow and I could tell it would not be the place for me to get any advice or companionship. However…I could see that if I had been my 13-14-15 yr old self in the age of Tumblr, I definitely would’ve been seduced.

June vs. Sep 2008

The thing is though, I knew way before the age of 13-14-15 that I was “in the wrong body.” [And I know that phrase has no favor in the community, but that is exactly how a child would describe it. The latest criticism from the right is “You wouldn’t say a disabled child was born in the wrong body!!” But I’ll bet many disabled children lament being born in the wrong body while they are coming to terms with their situations. Plus, I viewed femaleness as a deformity (probably because I was told it was)]. Anyway, the “trend” when I started my transition was Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria that usually presented at puberty. A child who had never voiced or displayed gender non conformity in early childhood was suddenly beset at 13-14-15 with feelings that gender issues were the cause of their depression.

And I don’t want to invalidate anyone’s experience here. There may have been some very valid gender issues going on with these kids at that pubescent age. But hormones and surgeries aren’t the only solutions to gender issues. There is a middle ground and there should be other options. I think therapists are still just learning how to handle ROGD because in the last decade they’ve been bombarded by it. And of course there are unethical therapists out there who have an agenda or an alliance with capitalist medicine. But I don’t think gender therapists on the whole are horrible people who want to experiment on your children for a buck.

Going for androgynous chic in 2009

In the weeks that I’ve been doing this Holiday Series, the number of Detransitioners has grown. At first I was seeing mainly FtMtF detransitioners, but more and more MtFtMs are going public. I still maintain that a small percentage of these detransitioners could be right-wing activists trying to stir the pot, but I believe most of them are sincere. One thing that does sadden me is that many of these detransitioners do adopt a right-wing political stance upon realizing their mistakes. This highlights how politicized gender identity really is (ie, is “detrans” the new season of gender?)

I have yet to hear a story where a young person was actively coerced by a mental health or medical professional to “just try the hormones, they’re good for you.” These kids were willing participants in their transitions and most of them admit it. Even Keira Bell specifically sought treatment for her own feelings of gender dysphoria.

But as they begin the process of detransitioning I hear a lot of these people say they did feel pressure from somewhere —whether it was their politics, their peers, or the social medias — to alleviate their depressive symptoms through gender transition. Some of them feel taken advantage of by mental health professionals when they were in a vulnerable state. Some of them say they were seduced by the success-only, beautifully curated community on Tumblr. A large percentage of female-born transitioners cite pornography — or the overall misogyny of internet culture— as their motivation for no longer wanting to identify as female. The male-born transitioners are often so insecure in their masculinity they feel that life would be “easier” if they were just female.

And a lot of these kids get pretty far into their transitions before realizing “Hey, this isn’t for me.” Testosterone can change a girl’s voice in a matter of weeks. A good many FtMtFs on youtube confess they are heartbroken because they’ve lost their singing voices. A lot of these kids go through with surgeries they come to regret, including hysterectomies and vaginoplasties. Plus synthetic estrogen and testosterone are not without risk. Estrogen causes blood clots and can exacerbate auto-immune conditions. Testosterone increases the production of red blood cells, which can cause stroke (and which is why I go to the blood bank every few months to get rid of all those RBCs!)

Fluid in 2012 (ballet vs. Gerard drag)

What can we do to help people who have realized their choice to transition to the opposite gender was a mistake? Or better yet, how can we keep people from making that mistake in the first place? The responsibility really does lie on the shoulders of mental health and medical professionals, but as a happily transitioned adult, I feel like there should be something I can do or say to keep people from going down the wrong path with their bodies, their identities, their fertility. I don’t want to be a “gatekeeper” but I do think that there is a difference between someone who’s known since early childhood that they were “in the wrong body” and someone who gets ROGD from something they saw on the internet.

And this is not to say that 4-yr olds should be given puberty blockers. [Our favorite TERF Exulansic (Sexual Antics) speculates this will be happening in the near future. I say nonsense. You’re going crazy on me, Mr Sexual Antics. And I thought you were the smart TERF.] Gender identity issues that present at 3-4-5 yrs of age should be handled with as much care as those that present at 13-14-15. But what is that care? Who will care enough to do the right thing? Parents? Doctors? Teachers? Gender therapists?

In the 1970s when I was insisting that I was a boy, I was taken to psychiatrists who wanted to convert me by forcing the issue of femininity. Play with the dolls! Wear the pink tutus! And by the time I was 8 yrs old I was broken in, realizing that my outward gender presentation ought to match my biological sex, or life would be a problem for me. It was not a happy realization, and it didn’t CURE my gender dysphoria, it just made me a mean, sarcastic little girl and young lady.

First binder! 2015

I don’t know any parents or doctors who would recommend that method in the 2020s. I know more parents are accepting of gender non conformity in their children these days. Boys don’t HAVE to play football to be the apple of their fathers’ eyes, and girls don’t have to be obedient little princesses to please their whole families. But I remember being told I was a tomboy, which still meant I was a girl, and I was like, Nope I’m just a boy-boy. I think there are ways to tell whether your child is just happily flouting gender boundaries or whether there is a deep problem with gender identity.

There is a looming movement from the right to convince us all that young children who express the wish to be the opposite gender will grow out of it. That by puberty, most of these children will embrace their at-birth sex and begin living their biological destinies. That these children are NOT at risk for suicide/attempts any more than the average teen/young adult.

And it may be true that a gender dysphoric child will begin to conform to gender norms at puberty, mainly because the peer pressure to do so is so great. Maybe because the pubescent flood of hormones dictates it. I know that’s what happened to me. Between the ages of 8 — 16 I did NOT want to be seen as some pervy outcast (which is exactly how I would’ve been seen in the 1980s). I didn’t want to be different from my peers. So I made it a project to be the perfect definition of girl/daughter/sister.

At 17, I became more of a rebel. It was like I remembered who I really was. I fought against gender boundaries as well as other societal boundaries. It was exciting and liberating for awhile, but the year I turned 20 I had a major relapse into the sort of gender dysphoria I had as a child. Actually it was way worse because I was a young adult trying to navigate a world that saw me as less-than. A sex object. A gender object. I was overtaken by depression so huge that I tried to kill myself by drinking a cup of Drano. I stabilized in my 20s by becoming more a part of the LGB community. But at 30 I had yet another wave of severe gender dysphoria and contemplated suicide again.

2016 — 1 year on T and going for the man bun while watching Rudolph

Obviously I lived to tell about my dysadventures. But plenty of gender dysphoric kids do not live to tell. Let’s not forget the story of Leela Alcorn. Her depression was so big she threw herself under the wheels of a truck. 

It will definitely take a village to get this all sorted out — loving parents, caring medical professionals, more trans adults who understand the risks and implications of transitioning. For me, it was always weird to seek help from professionals who did not have first hand experience with gender dysphoria.

2017, 2018, 2019 not a trace of face hair

well…maybe a trace here

So now we have a mini generation of Detransitioners on our hands. They will be able to teach us as much as those of us who are happy with transition. And if some of them even decide to Re-transition, that’s umm….fine with me. It could happen. It wouldn’t be ideal, but I’m ready for that too.

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Just wanted to close with some personal updates. I told you I had my first colonoscopy and there was some drama. I guess while I was under the anesthesia I inhaled some vomit. I don’t know how there was vomit in my stomach because I hadn’t eaten for 24 hours. All I can think is that I didn’t expel all the liquids I drank the day before the procedure. Everyone was telling me how empty and pure I would feel after pooping out the entire contents of my colon. But the morning of the procedure I still felt like a bloated fishbowl full of Gatorade and magnesium citrate.

So I woke from the anesthesia with my lungs full of fluid. I could barely breathe. They gave me an oxygen puffer til I had 100% oxygen flowing again. Then they sent me home, where I felt sick and coughed up big globs of green mucus for days. It took about a week before I felt normal again. So much for a “routine procedure.”

Also wanted to let you know that I’ve had so much fun doing this series that my New Year’s resolution is to do more blogging and art in 2022. I needed to take some time off from it but I’m ready to get at it again!

And finally, the happy old man in 2021

Coming next time, Part 5 of this series in which I’ll talk some more about The Autogynephiles!

TRANS TURBULENT AIRLINES

 Hello Friends,

I’m back to continue my deep expose on the current state of the LGB  TQ community. The recent Dave Chappelle comedy special set the table for a huge discourse on issues surrounding trans women in particular — what kinds of jokes are transphobic? [answer: mostly the ones told by non trans people]

who is more marginalized, black folks or trans folks? [answer: black trans folks]

what was the true nature of Dave’s friendship with trans comedian Daphne Dorman? [answer: token trans friend]

What did it really mean when he said he was “Team TERF”? [answer: I am still transphobic but I’m trying to understand things]

Friends, I’ll have to admit that for the past couple of years I was cruising along not even thinking much about “trans issues” at all. During the year that I hid my face under a mask, something magical happened. I finally grew some facial hair — enough to earn “passing privilege” and to forget a time when the horrific slur “ma’am” was hurled at me everywhere I went, even if it was not meant to be hurtful. Some weight gain and some hair loss also contributed to my overall masculine presentation. I was thrilled, and because things were going so well for me transition-wise, I ass-umed all was fine in the community at large.

WELL, I WAS WRONG!!! There is a lot of shit hitting the fan, and some of it is of valid medical concern. Some of it is of valid social concern. And some of it is just pure transphobia rising to the surface because these valid medical and social concerns have started popping up.

I will give an overview of some of the turbulence affecting the trans community, and then I will give direct attention to some of the very special TERFs I have encountered.

First of all, it turns out that a lot of the people who were coming out as trans in 2015 are not really trans. Even back then I thought, is it possible that there are this many transes?? I mean, when I was a kid I knew, like, 2 people who were gender non-conforming, including me. And even we would never admit that we felt the need to live as the opposite gender full time. But in 2015, it seemed like a sizable portion of the human race had been secretly harboring feelings of gender confusion/dysphoria. And it was mostly young people. Kids, teenagers. Not as many people my age were transitioning, but they were out there too. And I felt pretty excited about this — a kind of I-am-not-alone euphoria to counteract the decades of I-am-so-alone dysphoria that had plagued me.

And most of the kids and adults who came out c. 2015 were choosing to medically transition (hormones, surgeries) as well as socially transition (wardrobe, name and pronoun changes). Not only that, but they were being celebrated for their bravery, their self-knowledge! Their journeys seemed like “success only” stories (I felt like I was the only person who wasn’t having a successful transition).

I first heard the term “Detransition” early this year. I saw it on some random youtube channel that had a transphobic tone to it so I didn’t pay much attention. I’ve known people who had to stop their hormone treatments for health reasons, but they still identified as trans. After the Chappelle special, as I was searching for info on Daphne and other trans comedians, I found a slew of “Detransitioners.” These are mostly young folks who were born female, transitioned to male for a period of time, then stopped testosterone treatments and returned to identifying as female. They sometimes call themselves FtMtFs. There aren’t as many MtFtMs going public, but there are a few of those out there too, and they tend to be older. I was surprised to see how many of these detransitioned kids were making youtube content. I know it’s possible they are “plants” from the neo-con universe, but it doesn’t seem like that is the case. They seem very sincere in their confusion and regret. [Keeping in mind that transgender people make up only about 13 % of the world population, these detransitioners make up only 5% of that 13%, but detransitioning was not something that was being talked about in 2015, 2016…].

So…more on detransitioners later. Now let’s talk about Autogynephiles.

A dubious psychologist named Ray Blanchard came up with a typology for transsexualism in males. One type is the homosexual male who is so effeminate he might as well just get castrated and live as a woman. The other type is the heterosexual fetishist who gets turned on by himself as a woman.

I can honestly say I don’t know any trans women who would describe themselves as either.

But apparently the latter type exists, and they are hijacking the whole trans rights movement with their male privilege!! They are taking over women’s spaces, and erasing the whole idea of what it means to be a woman! They are insisting that (biological) women define themselves with new language like “uterus havers” because transwomen are women even though they don’t have uteruses!  They are the force of evil known as Autogynephiles!!

They are the ones who would dress as women to get into the women’s restroom, or the changing room at the gym. And yes, there are documented cases of this happening, unfortunately. There was an autogynephilic transwoman in the UK who got sent to a women’s prison and raped someone. There have been several reports in the US of autogynephiles undressing and exposing their pre-op anatomy at women’s gyms or other women-only spaces. There are accounts of autogynephiles who troll lesbians for not wanting to have sex with them — dick & all. That’s transphobic, they say! Their main goal, it seems, is to play the victim and to make cis women feel uncomfortable.

Again I feel like I should state that I’ve never met any trans woman who fits this description, I’ve only seen/heard about them on the internet, so I am going out on a limb to suppose that they constitute a small percentage of the already small percentage of people who are trans. But they do exist, and that is cause for concern in some areas.

But more about the Autogynephiles later…let’s talk a moment about surgeries.

As a trans man I am familiar with the “trans rites” that constituted a successful FtM transition c. 2015. They included starting HRT (which I did on 12-7-15) a legal name change (which I did on 4-13-16) and “top surgery” aka double mastectomy with nipple grafts (which I did on 10-4-16). Notice I fulfilled my trans rites checklist very quickly — all within a year, and all because I was able to afford all this transformative magic (never forget the privilege!) I say that somewhat cheekily, but I am very grateful to have been able to do all these things rather expediently. It doesn’t happen that way for many trans identified people (and I have my theories about that being the origin story for the whole non binary movement, but we’ll get to that later).

The point is, once I made the decision to transition, I was helped down this path by a team of affirmative medical professionals who questioned me very little. I was under the care of a therapist who hooked me up with an endocrinologist and a “top surgeon.” I was with the therapist and a support group for a year before I made the decision to medically transition. I was 46 years old when I started the “journey.”  Most of the people I met on my way were much younger than me, and they were moving through their trans rites even faster than I was (ie, they didn’t spend a year in therapy first).

Notice I haven’t said anything about “bottom surgery” — which is the surgery everyone means when they ask “Have you had THE SURGERY??”  For FtMs in 2015 bottom surgery was not really part of the package (pun intended). Being on testosterone brings about some magical changes in the lower regions, which I’m sure I’ve mentioned in blogs from that era, and also there are some pretty life-like prosthetics you can buy to use at the urinal. Personally I felt no great need for “bottom surgery.” 

But it seems nowadays, more and more young trans men are opting for Phalloplasty. There is a better, less invasive surgery called Metoidoplasty, which makes use of the natural growth of the clitoris, severs a ligament to let it dangle free and look relatively like a micropenis. This used to be a satisfactory option for most trans men who wanted a little more enhancement down there, and I never heard of any long lasting complications or trouble healing from a Metoidoplasty.

Phalloplasty is a different story. It is a very complicated procedure that does not guarantee great results.

But let’s back up and talk about my own “top surgery” for a minute. I never once heard it called a double mastectomy with nipple grafts. It was always “top surgery” and it sounded so flippantly flamboyant! Everyone was thrilled to schedule their top surgery, including me. In Oct of 2016 I had been on T for 10 months but still did not look or sound very masculine. I was afraid the surgeon would take one look at me and decide that I was not a good candidate for top surgery. But that didn’t happen. I was a paying customer. No one questioned anything.

So I had the surgery and it all went well. I was surprised however by how , uhhh, surgical it felt. It was just top surgery, right? Elective? Cosmetic? I was not prepared for the level of pain and discomfort I felt. Basically I was sliced from the back of each armpit all the way across the chest, with each breast being fully removed, and the nipples traced by a scalpel and grafted back on somewhere higher than they had been.

There was much more healing to do than I was prepared for. They sent me home only hours after the surgery and I was barely able to straighten my spine into full standing position. I felt like I was splitting open. And then I had to get in a car and be driven home. That was scary! I thought, if we so much as bump into anything I am a goner. 

After about 8 weeks of healing I finally felt somewhat normal. I still felt like there was a piece of barb-wire yoked around my chest, right where my nipples had been. In fact, to this day I feel like my chest is tied up tightly with string. One day in 2020 after I finished running, I fell back on my bed and threw my arms up over my head and felt the most acute sensation of flesh ripping. In the days following I saw little pinpricks of blood all around the scar tissue. It has now been 5 years since my surgery and my scars still itch like crazy sometimes. My grafted on nipples itch a lot and I can’t scratch them directly because it’s too sensitive & tingly & weird. So I scratch all around them for relief.

I know this sounds like I’m complaining, or regret having the surgery. But that isn’t the point I’m trying to make. I do NOT regret having a double mastectomy with nipple grafts. I am thrilled about it actually. I could fill many more pages with how much I hated having breasts and how weird it felt to have bags of flesh dangling around & brushing up against my clothes every minute of the day. That I really hated!! I can live with itching and string. 

But I cannot, can NOT, CAN NOT, imagine living with those sensations in my genital area. I cannot imagine having to heal from scalpel wounds and stitches down there. I can’t imagine how much, and for how long, the itching of the scar tissue would affect that region.

I’ve unfortunately heard of so many young people going under the knife —for phalloplasties and vaginoplasties — and having terrible complications. In fact I haven’t heard any account of a phallo- or vaginoplasty that was without complication. These surgeries are not really ready for mass consumption. They are still extremely experimental. The things these kids go through after surgery is beyond anything I’d be willing to suffer. There is an especially cavalier attitude toward vaginoplasties —you cut the dick off and bam! instant woman. That’s how it is portrayed in movies, that’s how it is joked about by idiots. But ask any trans girl who’s undergone a vag-plasty and she will set you straight and hopefully smack the shit out of you for being so stupid.

But enough about THE SURGERIES for now. We will definitely talk more about those later. I can see this blog is getting super long and I haven’t even introduced you to the Triad of TERFs I want you to meet so badly. My god you will hate them…or love them maybe, if you’re hate-reading this blog. But they do deserve a mention in all this mayhem.

So I will mention them. Next time. In the Octopus Diary.

Farewell for now…