Adventures in Spirituality: Pre-eclipsian Amen

FRIENDS!

We’ve made it to the end of Adventures in Spirituality! Thank you so much for bearing with me as I journaled through my existential emergency. You all are real troopers and you’ve been so tolerant.

I started this series in June because …well. the world has lost its collection of marbles and when that happens, we start playing more dangerous games. It was hurting my head to watch the world being divided so quickly & methodically (with a lot of correlating divisions going on in my own life). 

My main conundrum in regards to the spiritual divide is trying to wrap my brain around Conservative Xtian ideals. I’ve seen this faction merge and disperse quite a few times in my ever-lengthening lifetime. When it merges and gains power it always awakens my neurotic philosopher-self. And recently my suicidal I-give-upside.

I wasn’t very old when I understood the vast difference between who i was and who the “family values” mafia were.

As a closeted trans child I feared & loathed their openness as much as they feared my secrets. The way I gather they feel about the openness of queers & transies now—Why do they have to be so blatant about it? Why do they have to flaunt their identities out loud? Why do they think they’re right & God was wrong?

I certainly can’t remember “choosing” my identity and the distressing side effects that went along with it. But I could tell that being a Xtian was a choice people were allowed to make.

I’ll just tell you some stuff about my dad:

******************

I’ll call hm The Pharmacist, because that’s what he was.

The Pharmacist & I had a pretty contentious relationship from the time I was a toddler. He had a pretty short temper and I can remember being afraid of him from a very early age. I can’t remember the exact chronology of events, but I also remember from a very early age, I knew I was a boy and not a girl. I ALSO remember my mom telling me, shortly before my 3rd birthday that The Pharmacist didn’t want me because I was a girl. That when I was born he wanted to trade me in for a boy cat.

That is what my mom told me when I was 3. And I remember feeling like she had punched me in the gut when she told me that. I remember holding onto the coffee table I was standing next to because I felt like falling on the floor and crying. 

No, not even 3 yet because I remember still felt bad on my 3rd birthday, wearing my Winnie-the-Pooh dress and swinging on the swings and watching some boy poop in the grass and all the parents laughing and the boy’s dad picking up the poop with two Dixie cups and I was so toddler-depressed I couldn’t even laugh at a real live poop joke going down at my b-day party…

Anyway, you get the picture—my dad & I did not get along pretty much from the time I was born. And that dynamic continued and intensified til I “divorced” my dad as a teenager.

I also told you that my parents started going to a fancy Episcopal church because the new family in the neighborhood recruited them into the fellowship. I could tell my parents just wanted to be liked by this new family, who had children the same ages as my brothers & me. This was around my 8th b-day.

Up until then, I had not been raised religiously in any way, shape, or form. And even once we started going to church we weren’t necessarily being raised religiously. We did not discuss any of the sermons or Sunday school lessons after church. Nothing about our way of life changed except on Sunday mornings. Nothing resembling “family values” was instilled in me simply because we were attending church.

And of course, we didn’t attend for that long—a year, maybe two—before my parents began their own divorcement. 

It was only during the divorce that The Pharmacist began to notice me as a person. He made a bit of an effort to get to know me when I was 11, 12, 13. This was pretty exciting for me, because even though The Pharmacist was kind of a jerk with a bad temper, he was a Gemini, so he was also funny and cool and popular and smart and interesting. I was finally being treated like a human by someone who had bullied me all my life.

When my parents first started their divorce The Pharmacist moved away to St Pete and became a born again Xtian. That was baffling to me, but it didn’t last long. He was back to his regular self in no time. Then he married my cool, smart, temperamental, quirky step-mom and left all traces of Xtianity behind. They were the most secular, humanist couple you ever met. They read lots of Ayn Rand. They played cards and smoked and drank like there was no tomorrow. This was the only time period I recall spending time w/ my dad and actually enjoying it.

When I was 14, I moved in with The Pharmacist and his new wife for awhile. And that’s when things went really wrong. I won’t go into it all, but I ended up moving out of their house and divorcing myself from them around my 15th b-day. I didn’t hear much from my dad or step-mom after that.

Around my 20th bday, I heard they were getting divorced because my dad had found a younger (stupider, prettier) woman to pal around with. For some unknown reason, I decided to reconnect with my dad when he married his new floozie** (who was about 8 years older than me). I just thought, well, maybe we can all get along now.

[**i’m not using this word to shame any woman who marries an older man, just her]

My 20th year was the worst year of my life, and I thought maybe having family around would be helpful. The young lady The Pharmacist had dragged into our midst was a big-haired, face-spackled, gold-digging, evangelical, born again Baptist daddy’s girl!!!!!!! She was Tammy Fay Baker’s skinnier little sister and I found out pretty quickly she was not someone I needed in my life at that particular time.

So, after a brief attempt at bonding with yet another step-parent, I decided maybe family was NOT what I needed after all. I took leave of the whole paternal side of my family when i was 20, because apparently they’d ALL become evangelical 80s-style Baptist Xtians. And they really, really had it out for me because, well, though I tried very hard to hide it, they knew there was something “queer” about me. Plus I’d attempted suicide and they reasoned that anyone who was that unhappy must be doing it wrong, if you’d only accept Jesus into your misguided heart…

So yeah, I had to get the hell away from that. I went my way and tried to find the best chosen family I could. I didn’t hear much about The Pharmacist …til i saw him on Dr. Phil last year : ))) No shit…there he was with his other family airing it out on live TV. It was an a-ha moment—I’m the normal one!

I had my own adventures with Xtianity, which you read about at the beginning of this series. My family had our half-hearted attempt at Xtanity. I would never say that my parents had Conservative values. Even my dad who eventually leaned hard to the right has a dim pilot light of liberalism somewhere inside him. My mom has continued to go to church on & off all her life, same old Episcopal church, same group from the old neighborhood. For her, church has very little to do with religion and everything to do with “fellowship.” Sure I’ll pretend to care about Jesus if it means I get to hang out w/ my friends. My mom is fiscally conservative, but I believe socially liberal (at least I hope she is after hanging out w/ me for the past year).

My brother on the other hand has extremely Conservative values (and has since he was a child as far as i can tell). I think he really enjoyed the church experience, and he continued to go to church with the family friends even after we stopped going. Then he got really involved in the church—like did stuff at the altar and such. And he’s really..uh, indoctrinating?— can I say that w/out offending?—his own family with the Conservative values I think he wishes our parents had :O I’m not exactly sure what kind of church they attend but I see them more as a mega-church power family than just average Baptists.

I only have to look as far as my nearest sibling to see how bi polar the world can be. I spent so many years figuring out & then defending who i was that I didn’t have much perspective on any opposing views. They were just “wrong” in my opinion and I didn’t want to hear about them. And then the internet happened…haha, yes, but no…the internet happened and TrumpoWorld happened  and I had to acknowledge, yes, some people actually are freaked out if you opt to medically transition yourself from female to male. Medically and socially and pronounally change yourself. Significantly.

That’s a lot to ask of people around you. But I don’t think it’s too much.

But now I understand on a deep and visceral level that some people do think it’s too much. That it’s a sickness. That you’re just doing it for attention. That it’s costing the tax payers a fortune. That it’s much more sinful than injecting yourself with hormones so you can make a baby (or eight).

And now, when I ask someone to call me by my legal name, or use male pronouns I ask myself, would I respect their wish if, say, they wanted me to go to church with them? Am I willing to step into their world a little bit so that they may feel inclined to step into mine?

Errrrr……

Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…….

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm……

Ugggghhhhhhhhhhhhh………………..

…………….not really. But I Would. If there really was a mutual trust & communication with the person asking. And they weren’t just attempting conversion therappy!!!

***************************

So there you have it people. That was my Holy Internet Dissertation and you LOVED it!  You wanted to marry it! But seriously…

I’m so glad to be done with that. I was feeling pretty poorly about everything when I ventured into this, to the point of being clinically depressed again. That was something I thought *T* was going to *cure*—that as long as I was allowed to have my hormones & my surgery I should be happy forever (just like Distressica)

And it did work like a magic potion for a year! 

But magic has a shelf life; brain chemicals can slosh around if the shelf gets bumped. All my little electrical impulses learned to be depressed long ago. And I haven’t been great at untraining them. I’ve actually done damage to them and now have to work even harder to deprogram them. Congratulate me. Pity me.

So, my final statement regarding religion et al, is this: I believe in just about anything after I was able to train my brain to stop in its tracks and go back, go back a different way, the way I did on the bridge that day.

“You believe in just about anything??” Yeah, pretty much.

Magick? Yep.

Satan? metaphorically

Nothing? Absolutely.

Shamanic breathing? Definitely.

Crystals? mayyybe.

Jesus? Sure (in that placating way)

Charity? Of course.

Socks & whiskey? Higher powers of choice

[I just heard on the radio that there is a rise in atheist, agnostics and  “nones” — a drop in those who identify as religious. And maybe it’s because of where I live, but I don’t see it!!]

POST IT NOTES:

I’m a little burnt out on WRITING. Claustrophobic in a clown car of poets way more talenteder & dramatic than I. Please send me your poems so I don’t have to write my own.

I think I’ll be concentrating on IMAGES over WORDS this FALL> AUTUMNAL XEQUINOX OF CONSCIOUSNESS

So yeah, that means more ART. You’ll LOVE it. But please also send me YOUR art.

FOR PIT PAT, SLAIN BY TRANS FRANCES

Hey Girls (this includes you too, guys!)

You’ll be happy to know I’m almost done w/ Shelter Cat & Trust Fund Baby. I had wanted to be done today, but it just wasn’t happening. I’ll give you my laundry list of excuses for the delay later.

I want to address something else today, and that is the sinking feeling I have in my chest cavity every day now. Despite the fact that my life is a slice of peach pie on a gingham joy rag, I feel throughout the day that awful vertigo, that elevator lurch of oncoming dread. And I’m not even on an elevator most of the time.

For awhile, the world seemed to be expanding in its sociological scope and this brought me a peace I hadn’t known before in my life. 

But then the Current Era happened, the New World Order, the Ninth Tentacle, whatever you want to call it… and all the bigots who’d felt obliged to tone down their prejudices during the era of social enlightenment have emerged from their cognitive sinkholes—oh the president says we don’t have to be politickul currekt anymore?? Hallelujah!!! 

Now, I know never to read the “comments thread” on any site, but something rolled by my eyes on Facebook the other day and I had to roll it back and have a closer look. Here is what I found—

******************TRANS FRANCES THE DOLL THAT’S GONNA WARP YOUR KID’S GOD-GIVEN HETERONORMATIVE BIRTHRIGHT INTO A JOHN WATERS MOVIE MARATHON**************************

These comments were in response to an article about a “transgender doll.” I don’t even know if this is a real toy or if it’s just more fake news. I could care less about a “transgender doll”—any doll can be transgender if you want it to be—but perhaps marketing dolls to transgender children is where we’re at now. 

When I was a kid all baby dolls were girls. Then, when I was about 8, they marketed a boy doll (complete with penis!) and that caused all sorts of uproar. How inappropriate! Our neutered little girls should not be exposed to that! 

My only question at the time was, if the boy doll has a penis why do none of my girl dolls have vaginas? [Back in the ’70s vaginas were so taboo we didn’t even speak of them, medically or otherwise. I think that’s how it was so easy to molest girls back then; we couldn’t even say the words.]

But anyway…now we have this “transgender doll” who I’m guessing is genital-free but is dressed as a girl (we can only assume she has a penis under that skirt!) No word on whether they’re working on a FTM doll.

And this is what the Being Conservative flock posted in response:

“This is disturbing to me. Gender identity crisis is a serious disorder that seems to cause people a lot of pain and suffering. I think mainstreaming it is making light of a serious situation and will confuse kids. If a kid has this disorder it will usually be obvious from a young age but making suggestions about it to a child that shows no signs of it prior could lead to a misdiagnosis. Children are so impressionable. I mean should we make an OCD barbie or a depressed barbie or an anorexic barbie? I think children should just be taught to respect everyone even if they are different than them and some people go through tough things, but that doesn't mean we have to explain disorders in depth to children and make toys that have them I think that is going overboard.”

[^^^I like this woman because she is trying to understand. But she’s missing the mark so hard I’ve gotta chime in: Yes children are impressionable, but *not talking* about things often leaves a bigger impression than talking openly about them. I don’t know of any parent who would suggest to their child that they “give trans a try.” But they would say, hey trans children exist. Check them out. Embrace them. And hey, if you ARE trans, that’s okay too!

As for anorexic/OCD/depressed Barbie? Yes, maybe we should have those too! Teenagers deal with anorexia, OCD, depression and other illnesses all the time. Barbie is such a joke of a positive role model they’ve been trying to make her more realistic for decades. I’m sure regular Barbie is responsible for more anorexia than Trans Frances would be responsible for “turning kids trans.” Kids don’t “turn” trans by suggestion. If your child is really trans you will know by how much it distresses them to identify as their “biological sex.”]

“American Girl made a boy doll. Nothing wrong with that at all. But a transgender doll is ridiculous.”

[Nothing wrong with a boy doll as long as it’s just a boy, wearing boy clothes, no penis or anything, just externally a boy-identified doll. Could it possibly be a trans boy then? NO!!!!]

“It's not the doll that is disgusting. It's the indoctrination of kids that is. Leave them alone!”

[I used to think only left wing people believed in conspiracy theories : )) Well, most left wing conspiracies revolve around secret government operations; right wing conspiracies seem to focus on personal agendas. Conservatives generally dislike independent thought. I see the word “indoctrination” used an awful lot these days. Especially by the right. Oh, those liberal cucks are trying to indoctrinate us with all their perversions and inclusions. Isn’t indoctrinating what you do when you bring your child into a church and teach them from an early age all the moralistic bullshit that steers them far away from independent thought?

There are people in my family who have chosen to raise their children like this. And they do it not to protect the children from…what? I’m not sure…perverts?…but to protect themselves from having to deal with stuff that makes them uncomfortable. They don’t want to have to answer the hard questions. Because the hard questions about being human can lead to big questions about God & Jesus. And whether they are real or not.]

“The Devil is the author of confusion. Young minds are being overloaded.”

[Of course I don’t think the author of this comment meant “the devil” metaphorically. Look, it’s even capitalized — The Devil! That devil has been fact-checked and he’s coming to get your kids, meanwhile…

… all the medical/social/mental health research from the scientific community can’t convince you that being transgender is a real phenomenon. i know it seems like the whole phenomenon just came spiraling into your midst with no warning…

…but transgender people have been in your midst for ages. Watching you and your bizarre heteronormative antics. Your binary tragedy. How many times was I told girls don’t this, boys don’t that, men are superior to women but they belong together in holy union, superior & inferior bound together for life, no cheating! Yes, that sounds heavenly. 

Remember, more Conservatives have been caught doing crimes in the bathroom than any transgender person, ever. Because a lot of people who were indoctrinated with scripture from a young age are afraid to confront their own homosexuality and end up doing “perverted” things later, on the sly, in restrooms and motels. Dishonestly. Covertly. 

When someone dares to confront their own gayness or gender identity, it looks like the flaunting of a perversion to the indoctrinated Conservative. 

But golly, I’ve always thought of the church as kind of perverse. Any teaching that excludes women the way religion does reeks of ancient covert pederasty to me.]

“When it comes to brainwashing children, you bet we have a problem. Leave kids alone. You want to be transgender? Have at it. But, that is your problem. Not mine nor societies.”

[Oh, I’m so happy when nasty sentiments like this are misspelled because I get a glimpse of the ignorance behind them.

Man (or lady), no one wants to be transgender. Or at least no one did when it was considered the most laughable of the mental illnesses.

Nowadays, who knows. Maybe some kids DO want to be transgender. I’ve heard the word “transtrendering” which is so hard for me to take—I would be the first to be contemptuous of those who would adopt trans as some kind of fashion statement.

After all the years I hid in my hyper-feminine costume so no one would ever have a clue that i was living in a Twilight Zone episode?? 

But wait—have we come so far that kids…actually…want…to be transgender?? That’s great! Let’s celebrate!

When we celebrate being trans instead of denying it or punishing it, there is no problem! Not for you, not for society!]

“A well thought out comment about the dangers of pushing complex adult issues on children. There is nothing wrong with being transgendered but this doll is just ridiculous.”

{^^^another person who’s trying to understand and be an adult. Still a ways to go…but there is effort in this sentiment. Thank you.]

“I and most of America disagree, there's a whole lot wrong with being transgender.”

[^^^^ there’s a whole lot wrong with being ignorant too. If you haven’t had your eyes open to some of the smart talented transgender folks in the world, please wake up.

It does suck to be born in the wrong body, it hurts to be told that you are sick because you feel bad about the gender you were assigned, it can cause depression, it can make you suicidal, it can get you killed—yes, those are things that are wrong with being transgender.

But by that logic there’s a whole lot wrong with being autistic, or obese, or black, or red-headed, or having phocomelia, or diabetes or a heart murmur. There’s a lot wrong with being human for that matter. We aren’t that great.

But I think when the commenter says I and most of America disagree, I think he means it’s not okay to be transgender because it is perverted. There’s something inherently perverse about it because it has to do with sex/gender.] 

“BS!!! if you have a problem deciding what you are, you need to be in a mental institution period.”

[Transgender isn’t a ‘decision’ one makes. Haven’t we been through this already with homosexuality? Don’t we all get that being gay isn’t a ‘choice’? Well, it’s the same for being transgender, geniuses.

And trust me, I was threatened with mental institutionalization. Oh, and not just threatened with it—I did end up in the hospital after a suicide attempt (I drank Drano and was in the hospital for 2 weeks then I had to go into a mental hospital for another week.) I didn’t drink Drano and get put in the hospital because I was transgender. That all happened because I was NOT ALLOWED TO BE transgender.]

“Yes there is something wrong with being transgender you freaking moron”

[No, there’s something wrong with you ^^^ Plain and simple. Moron.]

“I believe it falls in the category of OCD type of disorders. Many people in the world suffer from some sort of disorder but unless they are trying to harm themselves or someone else due to the disorder putting them in a mental institution is not usually necessary. I mean would you be mean to an anorexic person or an OCD person? I believe gender identity disorder is something similar to that because from a young age the person obsessively believes they are in the wrong body and I have watched documentaries about it where some children have mutilated themselves, which has then presented the need for inpatient care. I think the person is already feeling enough anguish I think it's better to be a little more sensitive. I think (name) is trying to say society shouldn't ostracize people who suffer from disorders not necessarily that there is nothing wrong because if you think you are in the wrong body there is something wrong.”

[^^^This is from the same woman who posted the first comment. I really do appreciate her trying to reason with her sheeple-people, even though she herself doesn’t fully understand. She at least gets that this is a real disorder that needs compassionate care, not judgment and scorn. And that it’s nothing to be AFRAID of, we’re not going to come into your restroom and stick our fingers up your bum or pull your daughter’s innocent face into our forked crotches. We don’t have forked crotches. 

We just have human anatomy. You don’t even have to wonder about it, or ask if we’ve had the surgery. Because it doesn’t matter.] 

“I think we need some custom doll/toy shops where people can get toys tailored to their children. That would be nice so the child dealing with something can be comforted but all the children that aren't, aren't confused by it. Plus it could be something really special between the parents and their child. and not some ploy from the left to indoctrinate children.”  

[Same woman. Nice attempt to compromise with unreasonable folks. But just one more thing:

Being trans is not a left wing ploy. Trans children exist inside Conservative families—I know some of them. That precious little miracle you’re holding might announce they’re trans one day! Trying to get our children to accept those who are different is a progressive social idea, not an evil ploy. It’s called evolving and moving forward. Just because you have chosen to cling to notions that were founded in fear and ignorance doesn’t mean the rest of the world can’t PROGRESS. Forward. Expansion. Inclusion.]

*********************

Me being feminine

Well, that was a lot of heavy shit. That’s okay, it needs to be said. When I was reading all this the first time around, my instinct was to jump in and attack everyone’s ignorance.

But I wanted to look at these comments again. Quietly, alone. I want to understand those who don’t understand me. 

I understand how questioning one’s gender identity could be confusing. Could make people uncomfortable—it is a big concept to grasp! But I’ll never understand religious, moral objections to social, scientific or medical progress. 

And now, we are entering what looks like a Dark Age. A time of moralistic oppression, separatism, “law” & “order”(aka dismantling and disorder). It is scary for me. I’ve just begun to unravel from my oppressive cocoon and I’m fighting the urge to ravel myself back in.

I know the people in this comment thread would love it if I did. And so I can’t.