Adventures in Spirituality: Moist Slacks, Blessed Destiny

FRIENDS,

Can I just mention how appalled I am by this weekend’s events in VA? This is a recurring nightmare I thought we’d woken up from (slowly) over the past decade. Many of us are still asleep, scratching the surface of consciousness with curled & uncut fingernails, acting out in irrational dream-like ways.

Who gives a shit about your gross confederate monuments. Kiss them good-bye & move along like a member of a superior race would.

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Anyway…as I start to wrap up my Adventures in Spirituality series, I want to tell you all about the Mystic Faire Moonchild & I went to a couple weeks ago. 

What does it mean to be a “mystic?” Well, it means different things in different parts of the world, but in America a mystic is someone who is confident enough in their “intuitive micro-wave activities” to do it for money. Isn’t capitalism grand?

I’ve been to a few mystic faires in my life. Mostly in hotel lobbies, as a teenager, with my mom. There was always a seedy undertone to the serene roomful of (mostly) older women and (mostly bald) men who sat at the fold-up tables with their Tarot cards or crystal balls. I always enjoyed the experience, but can’t recall ever receiving any earth-shattering news.

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This Faire was familiar in that way. There were about 2 dozen mystics at their little tables. Some were card readers, one was a palm reader/astrologer combo, several were mediums, and there was one woman drawing portraits of spirit guides (now that was something I’d never seen before!)

Moonchild & I did a quick survey of everyone’s wares and we each chose a mystic to sit down with. Moonchild picked a medium because most of his family has “crossed over” and he wanted to see if he could get any commentary from them on the current state of the world. (He & his family were all into politics.)

I was leaning heavily toward the palmist/astrology guy, because I don’t know much about palmistry, and I wanted to see how he integrated that with astrology. But I decided to wander one more time around the faire, and one friendly mystic called out to me. I probably wouldn’t have noticed her if she hadn’t greeted me and asked if I wanted to take advantage of her Sunday special—a half hour card reading for $50 (Most mystics charge $120/hr just like your average LMHC)

So I said Sure and sat down. I do know how to read cards, and it’s been years since I’ve had someone else read for me. I was really curious to see what would come up.

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She was using a Tarot deck I was not familiar with and I asked her which one it was, and she didn’t know, which made me flinch a little. But as she pointed out good-naturedly, it doesn’t really matter, the meanings are all archetypal and don’t vary too much between decks.

She was the kind of reader who just pulls cards but doesn’t do a formal layout. That also threw me, because I’m a layout reader, so I wondered if any of it would make sense to me.

Well…the cards she drew for me were all my usual cards. The ones I usually draw when I do my own reads (yes, including The Tower). This made me giggle. Those cards really do pick you! Her interpretations were a little different from mine—I think most working mystics try to put a positive spin on anything they tell you, because who wants to be the bearer of bad news when they’re charging $120/hr??

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Basically she was able to interpret from the cards that I’m a very reclusive person who guards their personal space/time vacuum. And yet I’m not afraid to go public about my struggles, which makes me feel persecuted & isolated sometimes, but is exactly what I’m supposed to be doing. She (or the cards) told me I should have more confidence in standing my ground. I should learn to speak up, I have a lot of important things to say, and I should become more adept at saying them out loud, publicly. That I could one day be an important public speaker [???]

She (the cards) said I have a small circle of friends to whom I am loyal, love animals more than people, and have a way with words.

All this is stuff that any intuitive person probably could’ve read just by looking at me. Obviously I’m not a loud jovial car salesman who loves sports, or an exhausted mother of a terminally ill child. Of course I’m a shy lonely animal-lover who needs to learn to speak up!

But then she drew the 5 of Wands and she laughed and said, “Oh, here we have your family!” And I had to laugh too, because that is exactly what I’d hoped the cards would tell me about. I’ve had a long turbulent ride with my family, and I’ve distanced myself from them for many years at a time, and I have been feeling lately that I want to distance myself once more…but do I really want to do that AGAIN…oh bother...

She told me that I am better off not really listening to anything my family says. She said to keep a strong sense of self, because your family is never going to understand you, and they don’t need to—mine is not their journey to judge. She said there is a lot of egocentric disharmony in the family, and yet a hint of joy.

That sounds about right.

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So, yeah, I’m glad the stuff about family came up, otherwise I would’ve felt ambiguous like, Did she really read that in the cards, or was she picking up on the physical cues I was giving? And I was also really amused at how I got the same old cards I always get. But I thought that had more to do with me than with her.

Moonchild’s visit with the medium didn’t produce much in the way of astral punditry. She was able to pinpoint some details —his brother’s fondness for Post-It notes, the giant portrait of his mom that hangs on our fireplace—but nothing in the way of politics from beyond the grave. I think he was bummed.

But it was all good—this could’ve been called The Intuition and Common Sense Expo. It’s pretty odd that all this is still considered “alternative” in the way of goods & services. I think we should have Mystic Malls instead of just Faires. There should be mystic booths at the Farmer’s Market. What could the Xtian right do? This stuff should be more available to us. 

And I have no problem with Mystics getting paid for their mysticism. I do love me some hard-working independent mystics!  When I was young I knew that when I got old I wanted to be like Tante Venice. I think when I turn 50 I’ll see what I can do about jump starting my “mystic years.”

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What I don’t love so much is The New Age Industrial Complex that was kind of built in the 80s, flourished in the underground throughout the 90s and really took hold in the post 9/11 holy war boom of the ‘00s. I think it reached its fever-pitch around 2011-2013—remember the social networks teeming with those pukeworthy platitudes?—some shit about Happiness is a choice and You don’t ever have to remember your past again, it’s in the past!  I don’t mean to profile here, but the New Age industry was created to bank off rich white ladies (liberal and conservative alike, but mostly liberal). You know the ones: yoga pants, Whole Foods, positive designer-attitudes, etcetera, end of profile.

Happiness and enlightenment became “things” that could be marketed to people. In the form of bottled water, and footwear, and Buddhist retreats, and ayahuasca adventures and wild shamanic life coaches. The New Age Industrial Complex has not only commodified our spiritual enlightenment, I think it has brought more “predatory mystics” out of the woodwork (mostly guys looking to get laid by lots of different ladies).

But I also fall into the target audience of this industry:

I enjoy (lower case) whole foods, 

I believe in the mind as a weapon of self-destruction or an instrument of destiny.

[Ew, I said ‘destiny’ (Least favorite words: moist slacks blessed destiny)]

Oh how I would love to have an ayahuasca adventure!

I think crystals are really cool and probably do have healing powers (even if that healing just comes from admiring them)

I believe meditation is good for the brain, and the blood pressure. As is yoga.

I believe all the stuff. 

I’m just not buying any of it. I don’t believe I need any corporate entity to supply me with ethics. I don’t need to be told what products will make me a good person. I won’t be fooled into buying a $25 head of lettuce (and shame on anyone who would be). I don’t need any spiritual retreat to find instant peace. I’ll take the long way. For free. Well, with my annual trip to the mystic faire.

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Hey, we’re almost done with Adventures in Spirituality! Yee-haw. 

I hope you enjoy the new & old Tiptree art. I made it this weekend just for you.

Next time—I’ll tell you about my final Xtian adventures w/ my dad and how that may have put me off of family values forever—including future reincarnations.

Keep those submissions coming. Actually I haven’t gotten any yet. So let’s go, people. Poems! Art!