JIGGLYFRIENDS,
HEY!!! IT'S ONE OF THOSE WEEKS THAT I FEEL LIKE TALKING IN ALL CAPS & SAYING FUCK A LOT!!!
INTENSE!!! EDGY!!! THAT SLITHERING UNEASE THAT MAKES MY HEAD THROB IN METALLIC HUES AND GIVES MY SPINE A PRICKLY SPIDERY CARESS.
IS IT THE 'T' ? (maybe. I know there is a period of irritability on T)
IS IT BECAUSE WE'RE HAVING YET ANOTHER SUMMER OF VIOLENCE? (YES)
It could be many things. But what I notice is I feel more like my old self. Not the female self, per se, but the pre-nervous breakdown self.
I've already admitted to you that I carried a lot of anger around all my life, but when the "breakdown" happened all that anger turned into SORROW. GRIEF. HORROR. REGRET. PARANOID EPISODES. MONTHS OF INSOMNIA. AND BUCKETS & CISTERNS & FUEL TANKS OF TEARS TEARS TEARS TEARS THAT WOULDN'T STOP FLOWING.
And I know that SORROW breaks down into COMPASSION. I'm an empathic person & I think I arrived on this Earth and had to immediately close up all the compassion centers in my porous nervous system.
Well, I think in 2014 they were forced back open. And as excruciating as it was I'm glad I was broken down into sadness & compassion. It forced me to deal with my life. It allowed me to reconnect with my family after 11 years of estrangement.
But what about anger? It is a gross feeling. Certainly I didn't like being sad, but I was really thankful not to be so angry anymore. I noticed its absence right away.
I think about how angry I used to get--angry enough that I've kept myself off the streets at times. I think that in any one mile radius there are a handful of people who are angry enough to commit a violent crime. In any 2 mile radius there's someone angry enough to kill someone. And in any 10 mile radius there's someone who could go off & commit mass murder.
And we all get guns! Yay! And we all get to make babies without a license! YeeHaww!!! pow-pow-pow!
(Anyways…I kind of like that my snarky side has reemerged. I take it as a sign of healing. As long as it doesn't turn into T rage.)
Here is part two of the 'HOWL' tribute. [Allen Ginsberg would never write a poem this skinny & useless, but ENJOY.]
**********************
ANOTHER GIANT EPIC (this one only 6 pages)
Sunday: be receptive to joy without forgetting
Where the mines are buried.
Hollywood on parade tonite! Palm trees
Covered in rust, coconuts tasteful on the red carpet
Shallow haikus by the host,
"Who are you wearing?
Dolce & Gabbana.
Stunning."
Gowns like shimmering husks
Covering femininity up.
California in pre-wildfire glory
If I named my lovers after states,
You'd be California
Pure as fresh-rolled sushi
You have Hollywood eyes, a Yosemite smile,
Metacarpals of Death Valley
You have earthquake loins & joshua lungs
Kidneys that are hundreds of degrees
You are a desert heart
A sky-scraping spleen
A canyon to make a peninsula stiffen.
And I arrived at the port
Of your gentle elbow,
Ready to be warmed.
Do I have a mapful of lovers?
No, only a few.
I have an Oregon, a Hawaii.
A New Jersey.
Shockingly South Carolina.
Metastatic Connecticut.
All those lovers, but no Colorado.
No shortness of breath in Boulder,
No sex sweat in Denver.
*****
Our spaceship grows rooms it didn't have before
We find lost items,
Treasures we thought we'd never see again
We walk in on card groups stubbing out cigarettes,
Embarassed to be found.
The house has cancer,
Growing like a crab in the attic,
Like pigeons in the bathtub, dirty
The plumbing has leukemia &
Lead poisoning & it would crush your skull
Over the adage,
"Pipes don't kill, people do."
Jury duty.
Third time.
I find you guilty of poisoning the city
I find you guilty in my auditory mind
You said, "SO??" in that tone that dissected my soul
You grabbed my neck &
Shouted, "I love you!" through your teeth
The truth in your eyes was victimization
I didn't name you after a state,
Didn't love you that way....
Stockholm Syndrome in the spider web
My paper-thin divorce gone through
Like a miracle,
Like a destiny only my open hand knew,
Only my coconut teeth tasted
"Sign here," said the red ex,
Green w/ jealousy.
Republican? Over-heated? Paint-splattered? Blood-soaked?
Thermometer heartbeat
Spills a projectile of Mercury
Your throat is broken glass
Larynx sliced beyond another song
Eyeballs calloused by all they saw
In just one lifetime,
You spill like cat piss on the welcome mat.
If lovers are states,
Family goes by city names:
Buffalo. Philadelphia. Who can I relate to
In the West?
Certainly not Boise.
So elitist!
Never Olympia.
Always, always there is Hollywood
And that's my family from now on
I answer to their adoption,
I'll reach around the stars &
Bring them full-circle to rest
@ Forest Lawn Glendale
Where I worked on black, white, indigent, broken canvases
Where I applied for a job w/ no underware
Where the old guy in the red vest joked
That I was overqualified &
Then disappeared down the shag freeway.
The 405. The 101. The 110.
Three times a lady,
But most often a man.
&&&&&&&
Found in the formaldehyde forest
Taking care of your dead face
Making sure eyes didn't sink &
Mouth didn't leak.
Taking charge of your arteries
Not so attractive in their lifeless noodlefest
Slice thru &
Bring me next the metallic nerve,
Which remains intact
Then....like slicing cellophane
A blind incision in the vein
Hard to tell when to fold the blade like a laser
Or play your hand on all vessels
Aluminum precision, Sodium nitrate,
Pentathol cocktail, Oil rig truth serum
Slap those cards on the embalming table
Octopus inkstained headlines
Suctioned the life outta the Observer
*****
This is notably surreal.
What music played today
Auditory full house
System of a Down
Thank the academy w/ animation
Lesbian favors on cartoon TV
Thank the schoolmaster
For making you write "a hundred ways
To pretend you're not gay,"
Write the tell-all essay
Of being trapped in claustrophobic girl-flesh
Write the story of your pussy,
Which ruined your life, but helped you graduate
Magna Cum Secretly
A best-seller in dying bookstores
A robbery in space, the Pharmacy
W/ a gun to its gluttonous vault
A structure growing rooms & tumors
Scientist drug dealer legalese
The hero changed into a coward
A scarecrow's daughter, always in danger
Going up in flames while
The treasured son smothers in the closet.
The flames need a 'scrip for
Their paranoid visions
The cinders of celluloid
No longer a cure for a million
Lonely masturbating eyes
Need something stronger
Get this neck off my shoulders
Get this universe off my neck
Helium anvil still in place
A blockage in the salt-mines of my brain
A Paxil pixellation,
Scrambling aversions into absolute indifference.
A scary uncaring mountain peak
A dog-doo snowcone national park disaster
A hole in your gray mushroom matter
Showing ecstatic traffic lights w/ wind & rain
A violent memory jarred by modern technology
Warns of your proximity to danger
You feel down the side of the mountain
Til fluorescent sherpas take your hands
And they lead only to jellyfish stings,
Rape in a churchyard, a carillon witness
Silent amongst condominiums
Even the penthouse unaware
When she was attacked in Episcopal moonlight...
She survived,
Became more fungus in your mind
Ugly like all the others at birth
But then...she was a moldy swan
And, bleached by stars,
Swam radiant toward the wheelchair fountain &
Sat there for eternity, while still going far.
******
Help me compose a TWEET
To my relatives in heaven
@deadflowers how much of a slave rape
Occurred on the plantation?
@gatorwhiskey you taught me to drink
Like a minor pirate cursing the 9th grade nest
@faghagsag secrets are lies of omission
(Twitter is over capacity)
I will send no conversational cupcakes
To my new digital overlords
But I will always, always
Maintain a healthy dialogue w/ the sky
Our astro-holograph equations
Spelling & numerology & mathematix & geography
All baked together in one bomb
One cupcake bomb falling from the
Space Station cafeteria...
And a radioactive lens scorching the Earth,
An errant satellite, going rogue
After intelligence data received
From hysterical Paterson mother
To Manhattan hearing Hitler's intentions
So many years later, still translating
Into alien subtext,
Then copied & pasted as 9/11.
Through music & words
The message tried to bake itself
Into my modern brain.
Starving, waiting in long lines
To witness a real rape
To see what I could call
The things that happened to me?
Pisces/Scorpio/Aries/Leo formula
Functions to reveal a corrupt puzzle
Full of lab rat, low-grade,
Experimental savagery
5,000 odd-shaped pieces of truth
Reveal fingerprints all over me.
But blood?
A fractured trapezoid?
A traveling blister?
Trace the lineage,
Read between the jigsaw peices,
Check the dumpster for story books
All evidence linked to this case
Can be found in the nervous DNA,
The walls @ the YMCA,
The luminous pediatric Xray.
2 * 27 * 11
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