THE NOTHING KING

So Friends,

Why have I changed my name?

You've known me by many names during our social networking years:

Juliet Frank, Julian Pansy, Jennifer Flowers, Juliet DiCaprio, et al

And if you knew me before the social networks you know I had many names way back then too:

Ed, Cookie, Sharpie, Nirvana, Tasha, Robin & more….

I've always hated the name that was given to me at birth 

Because it's a hyper-feminine disaster of a name that brings to mind

Some kind of douching product.

Google "Jennifer Flowers" and you will find:

A) Lots about the presidential whore named Gennifer Flowers who was

well-acquainted w/ Bill Clinton & is a 6' blond with torpedo tits

B) Lots & lots of Flower Shoppes:

Jenny's Flowers!

Jennifer's Flowers!

Flowers by Jennifer!

You get the picture…

C) strippers & porn stars whose names are probably Karen Jones or Stacey Smith

who wanted a hyper-feminine douche-name like Jennifer Flowers

********And Friends,

It's probably no secret to you

That I'm "gender dysphoric"

That I despise being a female more than I hate having

A lazy eye or being short or having thin, lifeless hair, or bad posture

To me being a female is the utmost deformity & none

Of those other things really matter, even

When you make fun of them.

Being called "she" hurts 

As much as the 'N' word or 'F' word or 'M' word

Can hurt certain people

Mostly I've remained silent about it--what can I do?

I look like a "she" so that's what people will call me

So I just suck it up & respond on cue to the feminine invocations

I've tried & tried to appreciate being female & feel like a goddess

(I DO NOT feel like a goddess)

I know that feeling horror about one's gender

Is something that is HILARIOUS to people who are 'cis'gendered

(cisgendered = you are happy & content w/ the gender you were assigned at birth

due to certain anatomical features)

Despite how hilarious it is to so many people, I've decided

To make a big transition in my life.  The past 6 months

Have been a rollercoaster of questions & emotions & decisions & tears

That I have not dealt with in 40-some-odd years and

Last year I knew I could not keep on not dealing with them.

The first step in this transition was deciding to face it & telling

A few trusted friends

The next step is happening right now--I'm telling you all, The World, the Facebook Empire

This is the "social transition"

The biggest part of the social transition is changing one's name,

And as you can see I'm doing that too!

*************

So Friends,

Here's a little bit about me new name:

Vin J Whitman is a name that I like & can be proud of & live with more comfortably than 'JF'

"Vin" is the name of my newest alter-ego who came to me on 4-24-14

My alter-egos always come with names--I don't really "choose" them

He told me his name was Vin & I said "Like Vin Diesel??"

And he said "Yeah, but not really like that." It is short for Vincent (not Melvin or Alvin or Marvin or Kevin) and it is a family name and all the Vincents just get called Vin anyway so that's what his (my) parents named him.

(I know this bit about the alter-ego is probably more confusing than the rest of this.

Just try to accept it though...)

In Vietnam, Vin is a girl's name.

VIN is a really long number that identifies your vehicle.

Vin is "wine" in French

V.I.N. is even a kind of vaginal cancer--yay!--but I can sort of see the humor in that…

I've even heard of shaven-headed butch lesbians being called 'Vin Diesel dykes'

But I'm good with all that. When my alter ego said he was me in male form & his name was 'Vin'

I just said 'Okay. Cool.'

The 'J' will remain private for now. It's a name that Tony & I decided on

Together, and I just want to keep it between us.

I thought having a 'J' name in the middle would keep it real & familiar

And "Whitman" is a nice strong last name that I chose mainly after Walt Whitman (because

Vin Ginsberg doesn't sound so great : ))

And also after Don Draper (whose real name was Dick Whitman before he stole

A dead soldier's identity)

And after the box of chocolates, which we've all heard is a metaphor for life

"You never know what you're gonna get!"

But if you bite into a cherry cordial & you prefer a salted caramel

You can always spit it out & try again, right??

************

There, Friends

That is a lengthy zoo-exhibit narration of my name. Thank you for reading this far, if you have.

I know a lot of you will not be "on board" with this.

I will always be 'Jenny' to you, and you don't want to have to think of me as

Anything else. That is okay. I know it will take time for people to understand.

Take as long as you need. But when you feel like you can call me 'Vin'

Go ahead. I will appreciate it.

My husband, Tony the Moonface Moonchild, is finally getting used to it

And is calling me that. It took him some time & I was patient.

I can be patient with the world as well.

And if you can't have respect for these changes I'm going through &

You want to laugh at me and be mean-spirited about it, go ahead

I can handle it--I expect it, sadly--I expect crude, juvenile, phallocentric commentary

And I'm willing to put up with it for however long it lasts

But PLEASE PLEASE do have respect for Tony, who has

Stood by me when it was difficult for him to understand & when I have

Been so gender dysphoric I could barely continue living

He is the reason I've stayed & fought & found the courage to become

Who I really am inside, and it has NOT BEEN EASY FOR HIM.

He is a saint. 

So please direct all hatred or scorn my way, not his.

And I will have faith that the hatred & scorn will give way to

Understanding & acceptance in its time.

I'm ready to be alone, abandoned, unfriended by many people.

I even know I'm at risk for physical violence, as all trans people are.

But if Kristin Beck can go through Navy Seal training & deploy to Afghanistan 13 times

And come out to the world as who she is, then I am willing

To get roughed up on American soil to be who I am.

I just hope it doesn't happen : 0

I hope I am pleasantly surprised, and that all my friends (who are mostly in their 40s & 50s)

Are just like "Yeah, okay, I can handle this"

My new name won't be LEGAL til later this year, so you all

Have plenty of time to get used to it on Facebook

And, in case you were wondering, 

There won't be any physical changes until at least next year…

But that is a whole 'nother level of coming out and I won't go there today

I will leave you with the name change to ponder

And I will say THANK YOU again for reading this far

I really do love my friends, I have a hard time connecting with anyone

In this world & I am so thankful to have found Moonface & the few friends

That I have on this planet who are smart, talented, open-minded

Parachute-unicorn-people!!!!

I know I go on like a self-narrating zoo exhibit & you laugh,

But guess what?? I have been watching & listening closely to the world

And you are ALL self-narrating zoo exhibits too,

Yes indeed you are! [The only difference is i write &

You talk]

LOVE and PEACE,

Vin J Whitman

SEE YA IN THE GOTH GARAGE!

Friends…

HERE'S A VIDEO FOR YOU:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OiHIlDn67aE&feature=youtu.be

AND HERE ARE SOME WORDS TO GO WITH IT:

In a world of technically savvy aliens, I lurk like an old shadow barely able to find a patch of light to inhabit.

I am a Techno-rex…a wreck of barely usable footage in this visual scroll of modern life.

In a world that lives on a 3 x 5 rectangle in the palm of everyone's hand, where 11-year-old girls play the 'Comfortably Numb' guitar solo more perfectly than Gilmour ever could,

where weasels ride the backs of woodpeckers and Ellen deGeneres joins them via photoshop, 

where the most beautiful art can be displayed instantly with no gallery submission statement,

where we can watch ISIS gangsters spew hate if we want to,

where we have the right to say what we want and misspell it as badly as our hearts desire….

I am barely clinging on. I hold onto this technological hamster wheel with the tip of my pinky finger and try to participate as best I can with my scant knowledge of (and even scanter interest in) gadgetry.

I've tried to embrace technology --remember the summer of '13??--but it really does bore the crap out of me. It is not like working with a paintbrush, or like just doing something without having to coax the machinery to cooperate with you. It is not warm & friendly…but what is?

I wish I understood what I was doing here in Artificial Intellegencity, but I certainly don't. I still have no interest in recording music on digital multi-track formats. I have no interest in taking photos & then "enhancing them" with hideous special effects & additives that distort the moment I've captured. 

I've even tried to learn iMovie since I've been recording video…but it's like working with a jumpy, inattentive child-clown-thing (like Ted Nugent).

So…here I am…in the 2010s….recording video in one take….holding onto the imperfections & mistakes…forgoing any special (stupid) effects….

I remember in the 00's, my friend & I decided we were going to be Vagrant Poets With Cameras and we went about with a Sony camera, (ie a real point & shoot camera with lens & light-settings, etc…) reading poems in public places & climbing on the sculptures that lined the Bayfront & watching peoples' faces with the camera lens…

Then she went off to have an affair with some married Republican woman in Lakewood Ranch…(not true, but that was her story & she stuck to it)

And I was a Vagrant Poet alone….

Then Moonface joined me and we began to shoot scenes w/ our own little movie stars -- all the stuffed animals I'd collected in my lifetime. It was fun to shoot the footage…but then there was the technology to wrestle with afterward…Moonface did a better job at handling iMovie than I did, but it ate up lots of time & memory & interest drifted elsewhere…

I know this world is only going to get more techno-centric as it moves forward and I know I will not get any more interested in it. But I will do what I can…for as long as I wish to…and when I want to give up, I will give up. It will probably be a big relief too…

Everything keeps getting "simpler" and yet more cluttery, clusterfucky, artificial and counter-intuitive…

At least to a Techno-rex like me.

I wish I could give you the futuristic genius of perfectly edited Vine clippings or dazzlingly perfect art drawn with a stylus on a hard slippery screen…

I wish I didn't love paper & pencils & paintbrushes so much. But I do. I love words and keyboards with keys. I like being in direct 3-D contact with what I'm doing…if that makes sense.

I will one day not be able to communicate with anyone and that scares me a bit, BUT I know I will die in the not-too-distant future & that is comforting….

In the meantime, I sure wish I could figure out how to get more hits on my blog…It's my only way of talking to the world & no one really visits… 

Is it my overuse of the dreaded ellipsis…?????