I Am Kurious Peekawk

FRENZ!!! And BIG NEW PRINZES!!

How’s it going? 

I have to start with a huge shout out to all the contributors to The Octopus Review #3. A stellar version, thank you! So much great response from readers/viewers too. I will be doing another one in April, so go ahead and start sending me stuff now… After that, I don’t know if I will switch to a different format or platform…this is going so well I want to keep at it, and while I’m not one who thinks fancier is better, I do feel like I should at least look into a new (publishing) theme… Also do I want to separate the Review & the Diary, or keep them in depraved matrimony forever?

All things to consider in this, the 2,018th year of our lord’s wardrobe malfunction.

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Speaking of the New Year, I’ve finally stumbled upon my Resolution. I didn’t have one ready at 12:00p on 1/1/18. But now I do & it is this— I’m going to start using the bathroom of my gender when I go out in public.

I’ve really been putting off this part of transitioning because, well, it got very complicated for awhile. There was a little media frenzy around it & I decided to wait till that died down. I was also waiting until I passed a little better. Now those things have come to pass…

… so it’s time to face the …urinal??

Ughhh… I haven’t been in the men’s room in years (except the time I went in the Ringling in 2016). I think I told you before that me & my (gay male)friend used to go into the “wrong” restrooms everywhere we went. He in the women’s & me in the men’s.  We were about 24, 25. And what I remember about it is—it was always a bigger deal when he was spotted in the women’s room than when I was spotted in the men’s. His take was that the women’s restroom was so much nicer than the men’s why would he ever want to go back there?

I have to agree that women’s restrooms are much nicer, where privacy and lighting and quality of facilities is concerned. But I was always too mortified to be in a women’s room to truly appreciate those extras. I am still a little-let’s say unfamiliar — with the whole open piss arrangement of the men’s room though! I think I would be creeped out by this even if I were a cis-male person. I don’t relish the thought of walking in on some stranger blasting into the trough. I don’t want to watch you pissing any more than I want you watching me : ))

So, I’m trying to retrieve some of my 24-year-old moxie & mojo & just not give a shit (or piss). I never cared back then if some guy was hanging loose. Bathrooming is a fact of life and though I found some pretty creative ways to get by while I waited for the hysteria to abate — peeing in cups in the car, wearing the Depend Adult Undergarment :)) Yes they really work!—I think it’s time to rejoin society in the toilet. (pun intended)

And I know the question you’re still dying to ask is—

“Have you grown a penis yet?”

And the answer is yes. And no. And none of your business. A few years ago it was totally verboten to placate anyone’s curiosity about trans anatomy. “if someone asks what’s in your drawers, shut them down immediately and make them feel like a gross pervert for wanting to know” went the rules “We wouldn’t ask a cis person what’s in their underwear, so don’t ask a trans person!”

But the fact is doing hormone replacement does change the topography of your genitals, and I don’t blame people for being curious. Just don’t be an immature asshole about it — saying things like “chick with a dick” or “you can’t pee standing up, you’ll never be a REAL man” are ignorant  & transphobic, and I know no one wants to be that “unwoke” anymore. So yes, estrogen will atrophy penile & erectile tissues, while testosterone will bolster them.

Unfortunately my micropenis isn’t quite urinal-friendly. But not to worry, there are many viable STP gadgets on the market — some are just nondescript funnels (used mostly by outdoors women who don’t want to risk squatting in the poison ivy),  while some are super realistic dick-molds that you could totally whip out at the urinal. Also you can make your own out of simple household items. Some trans guys are just fine with going in the (single, usually filthy) stall and sitting down to pee. But me, I want to do as they do in Rome so I practiced w/ my homemade versions, and I’ve ordered an upgrade—

— and I’ll keep you updated. 

Pre T Turtleneck action!! 

Of course my first outing w/ intent to use the public loo was an aborted mission. We were going to stop at the bookstore downtown really quick & then go to lunch. I was going to go in the restroom whether I had to pee or not! But it was the day of the Women’s March — how did I not know that was going on? —and the bookstore errand ended up taking way longer than expected. There were throngs of extra people downtown on an already busy Saturday —

—and as I squoze through the crowd I felt my homemade STP slip out of my pocket and land on the sidewalk. It was too crowded for me to halt the flow of footsteps & pick it up. We ended up skipping lunch and I decided I would try next time we went out…

When I got home I designed/sewed a few “STP packs” so I wouldn’t have to worry about one falling out of my pocket again.  

2 yrs T but can't tell

So I’ll let you know when “Adventures in the Pissery” begins for real. Will I get outed? Beat up? Will I piss all over myself (that’s happened before but it’s rare :))? Which men’s rooms are the most disgusting, the most luxurious? Which STPs work best—the handcrafted ones or the expensive realistic ones?

Find out here in The Octopus Private-I Diary.

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Here’s a little stream of consecutiveness from Groundhog Day ’16:

Hey! Punxatawney Pete here. Strapping on my microphone and my ice skates. Waiting for Pittsburgh Philomena and Philadelphia Pris as they prep for their supporting roles. My co-anchoring concubines need a lot more work than I do, what with the face spackle the eye paint the nose shadow the chin waxing the Brazilian deforestation the eyebrow flagellation the mascara (oh please don't skip the mascara) the lip grease the nail residue the boob scaffolding the bling fix-it the wardrobe fire drill the test shots fired at the spectacle until it's viewable annnnnd….the clitoral rhinestones. It's a helluva an effort for our team of special effects rodents but it sure makes me look like a vision of authority, a streamlined no-nonsense news messiah, a voice of reason between two eager-to-agree beavers….AAaaahhgghhhh!! What's that? Six more years of backlash before history has its Hegelian synthesis!  2-2-16 

HEY!!! In addition to A in P, I’ll also be sharing more spontaneous, streaming, unedited, automatic Vogon poetry here this year. Taking a break from submitting anywhere till i can hear my own thoughts again.