Sunday, May 31, 2015

Vogonball Championships

Hello Friends,

I hope you are well. I am feeling pretty good these days,

But realize my nervous system is like the solar system--vast & unattainable

In its far-reaching dimensions & I'm only renting space in it until it

Kicks me out.

And since last summer, it keeps trying to kick me out

Every few weeks/months/days.

************

This blog is a funny thing…it is my way of talking

Without having to call anyone on a phone and force them

To listen to my voice, or worse getting in their personal space & rambling on & on & on

All the stuff I ramble on quietly about in print. Lately,

I mostly write on & on about the choice I've made to transition from the one true gender

To the other true gender (because there are only 2 true genders in this world)

But I'm going to do something different now--

Instead of writing here about transitioning & all its convolutions 

I'm going to do that on my fabulous Tumblr page,

(Which I created to connect to more transitioning people, but which

Is mostly a younger crowd.) I will write my short, random confession-style

Thoughts about transitioning here: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/vindicationdonkeystar

Also---whenever I put the word 'Vogon' in the title of a blog, it gets tons of hits

From Russia

(and when there is a big airplane crash -- which there hasn't been in awhile -- my

Short story 'Distressica Finds The Source Of Happiness'  gets lots of hits)

Just some patterns I've noticed…patterns…patterns…blogosphere pitter-patter

Stream-of-conscious non-threatening pansexual jibber-jabber.

Speaking of which!!! Here are some Vogon poems from early this year. Enjoy.

**********************

PHANTOMS FLYING OFF THE SHELF


Despite a hundred percent

Price hike

Back-ordered til Independence

Day – all single-malt drinking

Single dads and beer-swilling

Basement dwellers observe

The layaway lent

Til availability extends its hand

Til wrought iron fortresses flap

Like veils of Maya

Then leak like sieves and thread-

Bare doormats

Not committed to geospatial

Relations


Not all snipers make

Good nannies

What can we, the

Undisciplined

Aerialists modify to make

The phantom obey?

To convince the lark to spy

Or swallow anthrax?

To deliver boy band contraband

To Sasha & Malia

(by the way, can they come

out and play?)

The sprinklers, honestly

The worthiest defense

Spray them like mosquitos

From the sky,

Droning to their deaths as

Well-compensated sentinels

Decide there’s some playfulness

In the grave


Your phantom,

When it arrives,

When you fondle its

Dynamic and delicate parts—

and take them gently apart—

Will resonate only in the

Pathways of bats

Over drinks w/ a trusted

Yet disadvantaged neighbor who

Can’t wait to share in your

Reputable mission

You release

Your outgoing phantom & promise

It will find its intended 

Target by 3 a.m.

While you guide it from

Your inner wasteland

1-30-15

****************
Ancient unfinished art c. 1990 Just 'cuz

EVERYONE KNOWS

Everyone knows laughter is for
Fools who dropped out of
Society and can't find the ropes
To drop back in…

Everyone knows
A woman who is 8 heads tall
And wears a size zero shoe

Everyone knows 
A man w/ a beard who has won
A modern day sword fight

Everyone knows how to write code
Everyone knows how to make a tunafish sandwich

Everyone knows the difference
Between "sex" and "gender"
Everyone still calls me 'Miss! Miss!
Ma'am!'

Everyone wishes they could
Board a spaceship & feel the
Consolation
Of leaving this planet behind

Everyone loves being green

Everyone can blithely say
'I would wear a sexy dress if my boss
Wouldn't see a picture of it
On Facebook'

Everyone loves Halloween
But dreads Secretary's Day

Everyone's ear is tuned to a
Different frequency
But none are equipped with
Volume knobs

Everyone's eye sees what it
Wants to see & ignores
What it doesn't

Everyone's mouth is made
Of the same meat it eats

Everyone including me

4-12-15

*******************

UNDER CONSTRUCTION

I planned to contribute to the million-line poem
But decided to write a poem of my own
I don't already have enough of them
Like children & courage, poems are scarce
Around here…

I need to make an effort
To put this line here & carefully
Place this one right below it

Focusing on what I want to say
Like cameras & corneas collaborating on
One point of view
My poem looks like

A rezoned neighborhood
And now my doorbell rings
Witnesses or joint casers
For I know it's not a friend 
Indeed

I can't make people stay
Yet I can't make them go away
I'm not pregnant
And never will be…I've had a vasectomy
My binder glows in the black light

This is all making sense now

The moon cries
Through every social media guru
Preaching 'Crying is for the infirm,
The ungrateful, the weak,
The unevolved!!'
I've seen the stars & your transformation

You are spellbinding
I am still under construction
It will take the rest of my life
Just to change my name

5-2-15

**************

There you are, Friends. If you are still reading, I hope you are having a good evolutionary time period. And I'll see you next time--it's been a while since I made a horrible music video for you. And I've written a few new songs, so…perhaps next time, something from the Garage!

Monday, May 18, 2015

Stream Of Mad Manliness

Friends & Allies,

I hope all is fine in your worlds, as I am battling a feeling of unease
With all the soft, nerfy tendrils of my heart

I feel an earthquake inside me
Again….every few months
Like a natural disaster I rumble
My tectonic chakras slamming into place &
Opening inner eyeball doors
Life is as safe as it is unsafe
And as fair as it is unfair
And as balanced as Fox News,
No just kidding…even Fox News is balancing something 
We may not be hearing over here
Over here over here in the U.S.A.

I try to keep my sense of humor,
But sometimes I give it away--
I donate it to the humorless void
I can't quite locate inside my frame

Is it in my skull?
My ribcage?
Sometimes it's a tremor located
In my legs and they collapse
Like third world infrastructure in 
A 7.3 quake

I have had 3 wonderful months in a row
Spring is my favorite season after Autumn
But here comes Summer, that bitch…

I fear her. Or him. I don't mean to
Gender the seasons…  SPEAKING

of GENDER:
I almost made it out to the 
Harvey Milk Festival--I planned on going
I wanted to go & show my support &
See the music & hear the murmur of progress

But I realized:
I am absolutely SATURATED with the LG(BT)Q dilemma
Right now, and I need to step back from it
I need to remember who I am besides someone
Who is changing slowly into
Who he really is…

Yes I said it: He. HE.
PEARL

So far I have shared mostly the shallow aspects 
Of transitioning--the clothes
The outward appearance, the attempts to
Avoid being called "Miss" or "Ma'am"

But now I am thinking of myself in male pronouns
I think "He" instead of "She"
And that is much harder than
Choosing what neutral, masculine outfit to wear

Because all my neurons scream
"No No NO NO NO  NO!!!!!!"
You are not allowed to be in that club!
You are not anatomically correct!
"You are too short to be a man. You've GOT to 
Accept that you're a female!!" (Mom's voice after my suicide attempt
always echoing in my head)

The laughter…the questions…the jokes…the
Unwanted gropes

There is a lot of POLITICS surrounding GENDER TRANSITION
We have polarizing figures like Bruce Jenner & Kristin Beck
So public, both hated & revered for doing what they're doing

There are TERMINOLOGY issues--
Apparently it's not okay to talk about "passing"
It triggers things in people who have made it
Through their transition already

But I am okay with the word "passing"
That's all I can do right now

There is issue with the phrase "born in the wrong body"
But that is EXACTLY how I describe my situation
I guess the preferred phrase is

"Assigned female at birth (AFAB)"

That seems a) like a mouthful b) euphemistic
c) it doesn't have the gravitas that accompanies the kind
of gender dysphoria I've experienced all my life

And there is friction between those who are public about
Their transition (Jenner/Beck)
And those who wish to remain "stealth" (just live as their
chosen gender w/out letting anyone know there was a "journey"
from one to the other)

And I can respect both of those decisions

I can understand why some people would go "stealth"
Even though I don't feel I could do that
I need this to be a "journey" I can share with
The world, no matter what 

And hey, I just have to ask--
Why has the "trans community" forgotten about
CHAZ??
He is a public figure; he shared his transition
On a mini reality called 'Becoming Chaz'; he was on
Dancing With The Stars, for chrissakes!!

I never hear his name lumped in with
The famous (mostly female) trans population.

Anyway…enough about all that
I am moving along slowly, slothfully, snailishly
Forgiving myself for all the years
Of anger and hate and frustration
And restlessness and fakery,
And any hurt that has caused the people around me

I'm trying to accept myself for who I am
Someone who WAS born in the wrong body
And who has come out in a time when it seems safe to do so…
Attempting to be who I really should've been
From age 2.

That is the truth, and sometimes it robs me of my happiness, humor & sanity
And sometimes it is the very
Source of those things

Aaahhhhh, LIFE. You mysteriously little angel w/
Devilish afterbite. I'm still with you.

And if you're still with me, here is an art project that didn't go so well
I wanted to draw "something shiny" in pencil. 
I chose scissors, but did not do a good job with the shininess…
Frustration ensued.


“I am so angry with myself because I cannot do what I should like to do,” he wrote in a letter as he tussled with mental illness

FUCK

Sunday, May 3, 2015

Social Experiment & Feline Poetry

HI FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry to SHOUT but I'm excited to be here,

Blogging away pretentiously about my sloth-like transition.

The Moonchild & I went on a little excursion to the East coast last week

And since it was a new place/alien space

I decided to really see how andro I could be

Sometimes it's hard for me in my home town because everyone knows I'm

"really a lady" 

It's hard to suddenly embody a more masculine persona

Shit, I've tried all my life NOT to be too masculine

And I have perfected so much WASPy feminine daintiness, it's

Downright embarassing… & even when I'm hunched up in layers of T-shirts and flannel 

I get called "Miss! Miss!…Ma'am!!"

So…on this East coast adventure I wanted to see if I could avoid being called

'Miss' or 'Ma'am' … basically I just wanted to see

If I could 'pass' even without being on T(extoxterone).

I dressed accordingly (as a grown up dude on a casual business trip)

I wore my binder

I repressed all my encoded feminine attributes (the giggling, squeeing, hand-gesturing)

I tried to keep my posture as tall and confident as I could

I refrained from using public restrooms

And I spoke in my lower registers when I had to talk to strangers….AND

I did not get called 'Miss' or 'Ma'am' once!!!!

We mostly got called 'You guys'

I was surprised at how happy that made me--all my life being misgendered or being told

I'd be a lot prettier if I smiled, or wore nicer clothes, or acted more lady-like

'Miss!!!! Misss!!!! Ma'am!!!!' Every time i heard those words I wanted to strangle someone,

But instead I just kept silent & then got drunk.

It was so nice to be called 'You guys' everywhere we went

I wanted to squee & giggle & do little dances with my hands

(And when I'm more secure in my masculinity, I will squee & giggle as much as I want

For now, I'm adjusting my settings that have been so badly tweaked for so many years…

SOooooo….many….yearrrrrrrssss……

Overcompensating a little to find that androgynous middle ground I want to stake out

And inhabit like a hobbit)

I was thrilled, ELATED, at how well my social experiment went. 

I read a lot of blogs about transitioning (both ways) and I know a lot of trans guys still

Get called "she" and "Miss" even after they've started T.

And I know a lot of trans girls still get called "dude in a dress"

And I know how that chips away at one's soul and drives one to drink or do other stuff

(Like stay at home all the time)

I'm feeling much better about dropping back into society these days,

But I know things will not always go well…I'm ready for that…I've made it this far…


********NOW…here is a video of me & my cat reading some poetry together. And when I'm on camera I revert right back to being so FEMME, I want to punch myself in the face! Enjoy…